Liar liar, pants on fire...
So please tell me - how do you deal with a skid who is a consummate liar - someone who actually enjoys getting people in trouble, even if he has to lie to do it? I always knew he was a vicious, vindictive little schemer like his BM, but I never thought he'd stoop this low.
Sooo... we usually take everyone out for dinner on their B-day, but this year we've been hit pretty hard financially and had to put it off. We've had major car trouble, had our paychecks actually go down this year (tell me if you've heard THAT one) and my husband is also strapped by having to pay for another SS to pursue a sports career in another state - dues, equipment, billeting, traveling and providing spending money. It is a money pit of epic proportions, and this child is paying us back by dropping out of school. Yay! Way to go, son! BM has contributed some but suddenly has gone broke and everything has fallen to my husband, once again.
So I brought up the dinner the other day, thinking we could finally swing ~$100. I even told SS to invite a friend and his response was that all his friends are avoiding us b/c we "kick everybody out of the house". Whoa, whaaaat?!?! Exaggerate much, there? This from the child who has had more people over, more often, than the other 4 people living in the house, COMBINED. The child who once, with a bunch of his friends, started a bag of popcorn on FIRE in our microwave and then left it. I thought the damn house was on fire when I got home - the smell was so strong I could smell it through the back door!! And then SS tried to lie about it and pin it on my son. And btw, wasn't one of your friends over just the other day..? WTF?!?!?!?
I had grounded SS for the popcorn incident, and believe me when I tell you it was the first time in his entire life he ever tasted the lash of discipline on his scheming little behind. After years of him getting away with murder, I had just "had it up to here", you know? He could have burned the house down, while my son was upstairs. He and his friends just took off. I'm pretty sure he's held a grudge ever since (just another one of his wonderful personality traits), but suspect he's been paying me back ever since, behind my back. And now I know. It was quite a kick in the head to offer to do something nice for him and then have it thrown back in our faces while my husband sat there and laughed it off.
I regularly put up with noise and chaos from the skids (and their friends) and sociopathy from BM that stresses me out beyond belief - I have as-yet unresolved PTSD from my XH - and now I'm surrounded by narcissists!!! God help me. And in the spirit of NEVER giving credit where it's due, this of course is conveyed to the outside world as my inability to get along with others (not at all how my friends would describe me); I even got a card from my MIL wishing that I'd "find peace" and crap like that. Well I will as soon as these hooligans are out of my life 
Please quit enabling them, grandma. You're part of the problem. His family has no idea who I really am, and how rotten these kids really are. And so it goes...
So I sat down and basically told this kid that I know that HE knows this is NOT the way things are and that I've never told him he can't have anyone over much less EVER kicked anyone out. He tried to laugh it off and told me he'd been kidding (remember his dad gave him an out) but I know he meant what he said and worse, he is porbably lying about this, and other things, to anyone he wants to turn against me. All 3 skids threw up a wall of PAS from day one and I've long ago disengaged and now just coexist with them, knowing they will leave their dad behind in a cloud of dust and only show up at Christmas. For THEIR gifts (they never get him anything, ever, not even on father's day - it's enough to make you puke)
So, ranting aside, how do you handle this sort of thing? I had a talk with SS, but knowing him, it probably just fanned the flames of hate and will only invite more deceit. I know all 3 despise me and make fun of me and my kids behind our back - and to our faces - and this will never change. I know they hate the fact that their dad and I are going strong and will always be happy together, with or without them. How do I salvage my dignity in the face of these lies?
A.) If you're disengaged,
A.) If you're disengaged, don't worry about his birthday dinner. Ever. Again.
B.) You can't control what anyone says about you. That's on them. You can control how you respond. I don't do things for people who disrespect me. You need a ride? Oh, not my problem. You want friends over? Also, not my problem if your dad isn't here to supervise. Why? You are disrespectful. If they don't put the effort in to have a relationship, then quit putting the effort out there.
C.) Why is your husband allowing this disrespect?
OK, THIS is where I'm
OK, THIS is where I'm supposed to reply. Sorry!
The brain seems to be off line, for some strange reason...
You treat them as if they are
You treat them as if they are a two week old bag of garbage. Keep your distance and hope that the garbage collector finally shows up.
You know who they are. Pathetic and evil intrusions into your life. Do not expect them to ever change or to ever do the right thing. They are just something to 1)avoid 2)ignore when you can't avoid them.
Nice metaphor I can't wait
Nice metaphor
I can't wait to kick, er... roll them to the curb.
Thank you! for validating some of the techniques I've found to help me hang onto my sanity over the long haul. I used to feel bad about a lot of it, but I'm getting over it. I found I couldn't set boundaries because they live to break them. So I disengaged. It was the only thing that worked, because it worked for me, and I realized it didn't HAVE to work for them.
They're textbook narcissists and knowing what I do about them I don't expect anything from the skids, ever. I've learned not to take anything personally (and most of the time I succeed
) and realize they see me and DH/BF as one big piggy bank, and not much more. It's sad to see how they use their hard-working dad and idolize their BM, who is so typical of so many of the harpys profiled here, I won't even touch on her special brand of nasty.
Thanks for the reply... A)
Thanks for the reply...
A) Done and re-done
To be honest I've let his father handle this in the past, but I felt badly that SS didn't get his "day" and so, here we are... but rest assured I will never make that mistake again. I also think SS's angry at me because he had one female friend over, and they were making so much noise in his bedroom, DH (who never yells at anyone for anything) told them not to knock it off. Two college kids acting like 5 y/o's, they were making such a racket and being so silly. I was holding my tongue (I actually thought it was kinda cute), but my husband I think was disgusted with how silly his 19 y/o was acting it finally got to him. They walked out 5 minutes later and I'm sure they thought I was behind the shushing, which for once, I wasn't (I wasn't working or trying to sleep). But since I'm already the bad guy, why not pin it on me too? We haven't seen her since. My first inclination is, "Oh no!" but anymore I'm thinking, "good riddance" if that's your attitude.
C) DH is one of those fathers whose unconditional love gets in the way of seeing all the bad things his kids do - the arrogance, lies, bullying, cheating, stealing and laziness. What's sad is that sometimes he'll admit that his kids are bullies, or that they're quitters or that they have ego problems... But he fails to see how much he and BM enable that, and any criticism from me, no matter how 'gentle', merely spurs him into defending them and drives a wedge between us. So he sees it but doesn't want to deal with it - I think he feels like he 'ruined' their lives when he and BM split up, so he always puts their interests first.
Yep, I'm to blame, for
Yep, I'm to blame, for something I've never actually even done. Woo-hoo.
SS's had the run of the house and still complains? They have lots of bad behaviors but DH has no desire to tackle any of it or call the BM on her BS "I'm broke" stories. I'm pretty sure the word "no" wasn't in their vocabulary until they met me.
I skipped out on this one
I skipped out on this one because I really didn't want to see jhis face or hear his voice, and I was worried I'd rip him a new one and it would go very badly. But I will make it a permanent 'habit'.
He really pushed my buttons this time; I've never been so mad. I worry that it's a sign of worse to come. He's a vindictive little guy and seems to enjoy getting people in trouble, so I'm really in his sights. I rarely go out to dinner when SS goes bc it's so hard for me to listen to him talk about himself just about the entire time. No thanks.
My SS is an adult so I get to
My SS is an adult so I get to live by some different rules. I don't need DH to "handle" him.
I feel free to say anything I want to.
Now I've really never ripped into him but I know that I can if I need to. DH like so many loves his son so much in spite of his horrible, horrible flaws.
Not sure this kid will ever
Not sure this kid will ever grow up. He's in college now, NOT applying himself. He's the silliest person I've ever met, and he gets worse when he has an audience. He's extemely intelligent, but this has been warped into an evil genius
Gee, that sounds like my husband. He can see my kids' flaws just fine, but his kids can literally do no wrong.