I'm losing it. Any advice appreciated :(
Hi there,
Try and make it short
I've been with my fiancé for 5 years, and when he moved in my daughter was 11 and his sons were 13&14.
Right off the bat his 13 year old tried to molest my daughter. I found out by hearing them talk about it. I banned him from my home and he lived with his mom. I never allowed them alone together again. I totally trusted the older boy.
Fast forward to yesterday. My daughter is 16, the older boy is almost 20. I loved that kid. He lived with us the last five years.
I snooped my daughters phone yesterday and she was telling one of her friends how he has harassed her for sex since she was eleven. Broke my heart to think of her going through that at 11. I messaged her boyfriend and said I need the truth. If she told you anything please tell me. He said yes they had sex when she was 13 and he was almost 17. I have had so many problems with her the last few years, I can't believe I didn't realize what was going on here. I've had her in for councelling and psychiatrists for the last three years i can barely handle her. I thought maybe she had a mental disorder. One councillor told me she shows signs of sexual abuse. I have other children who are excellent and never
I'm shocked she didn't tell me any of this. She still refuses to talk about it. Am I to assume she's been abused since age 11? I asked my fiancé to move out -- seems so unfair as I have no issues with him but I don't want his son anywhere near my daughter again so I don't have a choice do I???
Feeling so lost. And guilty for not seeing this sooner. Im doing the right thing by ending this relationship right??
Sorry I meant I have other
Sorry I meant I have other children who are excellent and have never caused me any grief.
I would not have moved them
I would not have moved them in, but....
when he moved in my daughter was 11 and his sons were 13&14. Right off the bat his 13 year old tried to molest my daughter.
Right off the bat, he and both sons would have moved right on out. I don't know why you wouldn't have thought of the possibilities, and put your daughter before your wants, in the first place.
Sorry, I know you are feeling bad but, seriously.
Gee thanks that was helpful.
Gee thanks that was helpful. I removed what threat I thought was there. Believe me in hindsight I would have moved them out.
Did you call police when it
Did you call police when it happened the first time? Did you do any research on sexual abuse so you could get some insight into how this happened and the likely impact on your child? Did you require DH to investigate this and find out why one son was sexually harassing your daughter? Did you get her in counseling to make sense of that experience? Did DH get his kid any help? Did anyone to talk to the skid that was allowed to stay?
^^^^This is the tip of the iceberg on the action list of things that should have been done to handle this.^^^^
"And guilty for not seeing
"And guilty for not seeing this sooner. Im doing the right thing by ending this relationship right??"
You did the right thing by removing the threats you saw with the then 13 yr old. Unfortunately the 14 yr old picked up where the 13 yr old left off. There's no way you could have foreseen this. Sex between step siblings is common (gag I know). Depending on your state sex between a 13 and 16 yr old could have been considered consensual since there was a less than 4 yr age gap, so I'm not sure if prosecuting is an option.
Your daughter needs help and your full attention right now. The both of you may need counseling to deal with this. The relationship with your fiance will have to be put on hold and likely end. No, your fiance did nothing wrong but if the two of you stay together than there will always be this tie between your daughter and his son and she may see this as a betrayal.
((HUGS))