I'm going to sound terrible but...
I've helped raise my stepdaughter since she was 1 and a 1\2, she is now almost 7. Her mother and mother's family are very rude, ill mannered, just terrible people. We had weekends with my stepdaughter up until a couple of months ago when her mother decided she didn't want her anymore. By now, staying with her mother the majority of the time, my stepdaughter has picked up their same bad behavior. Here's my dilemma: I just had my son 7 months ago and I've been trying to keep them apart, which has been hard since everyone believes they need to inseparable. Her dad agrees with me that they need to be kept apart as best we can so her behavior doesn't rub off on our son. How can we go about doing this without 1. Making my step daughter think she is a problem and 2. Everyone thinks she's a saint and they need to play together and be friends. How do we explain to family that we want distance between them? And please understand, we don't care or love my stepdaughter any less, we just know how she is and worry about how she'll be around an impressionable child.
It will be an uphill struggle
It will be an uphill struggle to say the least. My skids are all from horribly mannered backgrounds--the skids are little more than pets; fed, watered and entertained--that is all.
I would say that you MUST make an effort to enforce house rules and therefore the standards that come with them. Odds are she's not going to like it, then report to the "mother ship" about your horribly strict household. Odds are she will PAS out.
This may be a cloud with a silver lining in that the BM may withhold visitation altogether. Bad for your DH but in some cases, it's best to know when to throw in the towel especially in the pro-BM family court environment of the Western world. By that time, your son can be raised in a wholesome environment without the "sleeper cell" influence. Your family simply cannot be pushed around and influenced by an outside environment which is beyond your control.
In normal families the
In normal families the siblings will not be kept separated because one of them is naughty or behaves badly. I know that step families are different and I totally get your feelings about this .(I came out of step hell just a few month ago and could not stand SD
However those kids , bad or not, are parts of the family and separate them from their half siblings can't be the right way.YOur husband is not only our hubby and your babies dad but also her dad, if you want it or not, she has the same rights with him as your son.I hated that myself so much, but I am afraid it is a fact.
I don't know hon, damned if
I don't know hon, damned if you do, damned if you don't, you know?
If your husband agrees with you, and mine does on this issue as well (but it's because SS is a boy, DD is a girl, and we grew up hearing scary stories of sexual abuse by older siblings so we're not going to risk it, whether or not either child has shown any signs. And DH said screw anyone who dislikes that because there are things you can never repair--sexual abuse is one of them) then I would suggest giving your SD as many activities to keep her busy.
However, the thing is, she IS a problem. I think addressing her behavior issues is more important than putting a temporary bandaid on it such as keeping them separated (unless you believe in safety reasons like DH and I do). I think letting her know that her behavior needs to improve because she needs to be a good role model for him could be a good inspiration and motivation for her to change. Nothing creates change more than taking responsibility for someone else. Who knows, she might become a model citizen just so she could be a "hero" for her little brother.
Just my 2 cents.
Are you worried about her
Are you worried about her hurting your son? If not this seems very odd to me. And it's strange that your DH would go along with this nonsense. How does that even work? How can you keep them separate in the same house?
Same thing happened to me.
Same thing happened to me. SD is very ill-mannered, deceitful, and has no manners. SD is 11 and our BD is 3. Since there is an 8 year age gap, I've noticed my BD3 is more like an only child. SD11 is bored with BD and hardly interacts with her anyway.
BM "gave" SD to us full time when SD was 5. BM doesn't contact SD at all but she did tremendous amount of damage by the time SD was 5. By then, SD already developed horrible habits learned from BM and we have tried for 6 years to parent her back to normal. But it hasn't worked! I don't think you're a "lazy parent" like some people said. Some kids really are impossible to train after they've been exposed to bad parenting for 5 or more years. DH and I have been through so much hell trying to improve SD11. She simply can't change and I don't care anymore. She has put us through hell.
I wouldn't worry about your SD rubbing of on your son. The age difference is your best advantage.