She's just trash that should be discarded.

First let me say, I am very sorry you are being treated badly. You are in the right place to vent and get some good advice.

You wrapped it all up in the last sentence. You have give it all and tried and tried. This is fairly norm for a jealous SD. You are also feeling guilty and badly because you wanted to be a well blended family, especially for your DH and your marriage.

Now you know the facts: Your SD is not repairable, at least not by your DH, BM, nor you. Your SD needs professional help and it will have to be her decision. I would disengage, beginning now. You will need to step away and let DH and BM deal with this adult daughter. I also made the mistake of letting my adult SD have control of my thinking and dictating my marriage for years. I also felt unworthy to my marriage and felt I was letting my DH down.

This is not the case. It takes a world of self control and self discipline to disengage, but it is worth it. Every case is different and you need to begin protecting yourself, especially your mental state. You have to protect your young child, so begin now. I found that building my own life/world for myself was the best thing I ever did. I have lots of hobbies, friends, yard work, and keep very busy taking care of my disabled DH. I also make sure the bank account is under control and I am ready to empty it to my own name at any moment. Never let your guard down.

I ignore my SD and her drama; I don't listen to it, I don't entertain it, and I absolutely do not think about it. My SD58 is history in my life. My DH is disabled and SD drops by to visit her Dad (SD lives in neighboring State); no problem, I am civil and respectful; but I do not tolerate her controlling, passive aggression for one minute, and she knows it. My SD also told me to leave and told her Father to divorce me. My reply: "I will help you (DH) pack, hold the door open for you, and it will cost you your home and comfortable marriage. Go live with your princess and enjoy". My DH is still here and we are doing well. We have been married 37 years and my SD has made every minute, she is around us, miserable. I wasted 30+ years trying to make a "Brady Bunch" family; I've been disengaged for 8 years and am FREE, have my marriage, and SD is still mad as hell. My SD will never stop trying to undermine me; but she's out of my life and will never accomplish it.

Sometimes, with disengagement you feel like you are losing, but in the end you win. My DH and I are better than we have been for years.

Good luck and ((((hugs))))

Are you really going to let a person saying " And of course the last thing she said to him was he chose a woman over her!!!" get to you when she chose the drugs over her babies?

You've moved your family out of state. Any daily, routine interaction between your DS11 and this messed up young woman really shouldn't be much of a problem. I'm sorry for your SD's issues, but you can freely disengage from dealing with and even listening about all of it. Your husband can handle any contact and he can refrain from sharing all the gory details of her latest escapades and pity parties. If he needs and/or wants to see his daughter , it needs to be away from your home. She's grown, making her own poor decisions and there is nothing you or her father can do for her. She is going to want to get clean hopefully someday. Then she will relapse repeat repeat repeat. Your life and your husband and son can not change anything for this woman.

However it is very natural her your husband to still love and worry about his daughter regardless of what hell she has put herself through or sent your way. I doubt he will ever totally abandon her. But by you removing yourself from being engaged with it all and the physical distance between you all should be easier than if you all lived in the same area.

You might want to try counseling to help sort your feeling. You didn't do any of this to SD

Why do you care more about the toxic SD than she cares about herself or her own children? You are not inadequate... she is. So quit sacrificing yourself on the alter of SParenting martyrdom and recognize that you have gone above and beyond.

It is time to write her off and not let her have any space in your head.

Oh Lady - disengage from your SD - she's nothing to you, if Dh talks about her.... pretend to listen and change the subject 3min later

block SD from ever contacting you or your kids, stop knowing what SD does and how her life is, cut her from your life and mind, if you husband wants to keep his daughter and contact with her... he can just not at your home lol..

listen to the ladies on this forum they have major experience... sammigirl to name one , she's driving me, StepAside
notasm... just to name a couple... there's other ladies as well whom I adore but they have funny names lol...
exjulie? Disillusion??

just disengaged

Manipulation--that's what addicts do. I agree with the others that you, and especially your DH, need to learn how to deal with an addict. Get counseling from someone who specializes in addiction so you can understand but not enable your SD. Go to Al-Anon meetings. Knowledge is power.

I would have been tempted to tell her, fine, you are abandoned. Now what? Millions of people don't know their fathers or feel he's a lousy person let alone lousy parent or lost them entirely at an early age. And the point would beeeee....? Oh, they become U.S. presidents (look up stats on how many had father issues-Bill Clinton and Richard Nixon and Barack Obama come to mind), astronauts, business owners, loyal factory workers, and a variety of other solid citizens. So there is no point.

Losing your dad in anyway whatsoever does not force you to become a drug addict.

So what else you got? This excuse ain't cuttin' with me or with anyone else.

That's what I would be tempted to say to her.

Im so sorry you are going through this!!! This girl sounds like the consummate "victim", always laying blame on others for the results of HER choices and HER decisions.

Her clumsy attempts at manipulation and button-pushing, don't let them get to you. Take advice and seek knowledge, and definitely keep your kidling safe from her influences.

My SD18, for the past 3 years has been saying the EXACT SAME THING "Daddy you chose your GIRLFRIEND over your own DAUGHTER, how could you!?!" > cue the tears after an argument where Winona SD18 was disrespectful to me, CLove, and SO was standing up to her and telling her not to be disrespectful.

OH, boy, your SD sounds like quite the handful. She is addicted to the thrill of a new man, of a drug fix, and doesn't care about anyone else but herself. She needs help and has not made the decision to follow through. Its her choice. Those poor little babies she keeps having! I do not have children, am unable to, but am sad that these narcissistic, selfish, awful child-women are able to. (sorry, little side-vent).

I hope that your marriage can survive, if he comes to his senses and stops enabling his daughter-dearest.

Please see a therapist so you can gain enough self-confidence to place boundaries on both SD and DH, and disengage from SD. You owe this to your kids. You've taken on a responsibility that is not yours to deal with. It's DH's job. Block her from your social media and stop looking at DH's. Stop discussing her with DH - change the subject as soon as she comes up. Do not allow her in your home until she is completely recovered, and not relapsed for a specific time - at least a year, and until she has a different attitude. You see yourself as powerless - and you are not.

"last thing she said to him was he chose a woman over her!!! "

SD is spewing hatred, DH hears it feels guilty then shares it with you so that you will feel responsible and guilty too. Thus DH is sharing HIS burden. First thing you need to do is tell DH to stop sharing anything SD says with him especially if it's about you, the buck stops at him. You also do not need to hear about her latest drug fiasco or relationship issues. These are all stories for DH, she doesn't want you to be a part of her life so there's nothing you can do about it. I have a 2 minute rule when listening to DH about the ss's, when the 2 minutes are up I change the subject to something else. DH has no idea this rule exists but it works, he feels heard and two minutes is not enough time to get drug back into step drama.

"last thing she said to him was he chose a woman over her!!!"

And the perfect reply would be: "Of course he chose a normal woman over a disgusting POS like her."

I have a sister who is much younger than I am. As our mother has been gone for over 20 years I am much more of a mother figure to her than a sister. She has been staying with me for the past 10 days as she had major orthopedic surgery and cannot walk even one step. The nurse at the doctor's today assumed I was her mother.

She and I had an interesting conversation tonight about mutual friends who have horrible children - primarily with addiction problems - heroin being the most common. And how their parents continue to enable them.

The addicts lie, cheat, and steal because that is what addicts do. I looked her in the eye and told her that I would have no trouble turning even her in to authorities if she stole from me. She laughed and said she'd do the same thing. Of course we both realized that neither of us would EVER go that route. But there was also a sense of reality that neither of us would ever accept the unacceptable.

It's not possible to "abandon" a 26 year old child. Its called launching. Cut off contact with her. Hopefully your DH will do the same until she starts making sense.