I just became a full time step mom....
Hi! My name is Carmen and I am new to this site as of like 5 min. ago! Haha. I wanted to come somewhere that I could vent my feelings and hopefully find good advice with out being judged!! I have seen that a lot of people kind of feel the same way I do and that right there lets me know I am not the only one with issues being a step mom. So here is a quick run down of my story...
I have been with my Fiance Bob for almost 4 years. We have a set of 2 1/2 year old twin girls together and He has 2 step sons from his previous marriage. One is 5 and one is 7. I have never really had a close relationship with them. We only got them every other weekend which I hated because it would seem like Bob and I would fight every time we had them. I think a lot of the stress came from his job. We have moved a couple of times and are finally at our hopefully last house and wont be moving again. On Mothers day this year she called and said can you keep the boys for a week or so because her fiance had left her and took everything. We said of course. I was happy as ever! I felt like I was becoming a mom all over again! I drove them to school everyday which was almost an hour away. She took them back the following Sunday and by Monday CPS was at her house and said find a place for them to go that is safe and clean or the state is getting them so she brought them here. Well this was fine and i continued driving them to school and back which was very stressful and I thought my crabbiness would get better in 3 weeks when school got out. Wrong! We now have joint physical custody and she just got granted being able to have over night visits. Which has only happened once now. I am having a very hard time trying to get a bond with them. They drive me crazy. Say I love you to me 30 times a day. I have to tell them the same things over and over and over and over again on what to do and what not to do. I honestly loved it when they went and spent the weekend with their mom. Just me, my fiance and twin daughters. I want to love them soooo bad. They aren't really bad kids. I just don't have the patience. I am a stay at home mom and crochet for a little extra money. They are improving day by day from how they were before. They love being in a clean house with their own room and beds. (They used to sleep in the same room with their mom and half sister) I sometimes feel i expect to much from them. But sometimes I look at them and its like seriously what the heck are they thinking! They know better then this! I feel they lack a lot of common sense. Then again so does their entire family on their moms side. So the problem really isn't with them. Except for the constant I love you, kisses and hugs all the time. Which I am sure came from not getting the attention they need from their mom. I guess I am looking for advice to help me to learn to love them. There are days that I feel like I hate them and almost despise them because things were better when it was just my fiance and twins. But this isn't their fault. They are two kids being tossed around while there mom lives all over 3 diff. counties! Please help me to find the patience and understanding. I just want to love them like my own and not cringe when I hear them speak.
Baby steps. You don't have to
Baby steps. You don't have to love them like your own right off the bat so don't put that kind of pressure on yourself. They have some issues because of how they have been raised up until now so really, no, they don't know better. You and your fiance will have to teach them. And it will take patience.
They are craving love, security and acceptance. Their mother sounds like a piece of work, who knows what kind of damage she has done. I feel bad for them and for you. It is hard dealing with children who were not given what they needed the first years of their lives.
Just take it one day at a time and maybe seek out some professional advice on getting them where they should be emotionally. They probably feel abandoned by their mother and are worried about being abandoned again, hence the constant affection.
Some kind of structure would probably be good, kids seem to respond well to structure and schedules. Not military style or anything but you know what I mean! They like to know what they will be doing and when. I used to crack up when my niece was 2 or 3 and she would be so inquisitive about dinner. When was dinner? What was for dinner? And this would be right after breakfast! Or if we were in the car and she didn't recognize where we were, she became very concerned. Where are we? Where are we going? Why are we going this way? They like familiarity.
I also think they pick up on the fact that someone who is providing this structure and stability for them, really does care about them.
Yes I am trying very hard and
Yes I am trying very hard and I tell them I do love them. Their mom is absolutely a piece of work. And I'm not bashing her. She is just one of those people that loves negativity and her and her family feed off of drama. We actually do have a pretty good schedule down. And they do my dishes and fold laundry every day. They love helping actually which is a huge help for me. And yes you are right. I guess I am looking for it to happen to fast. My fiance and I either together or just him or I with the boys have a lot of conversations. We want to make sure they understand everything that is going on. And I have lots of talks with them when they are getting into to much trouble. I constantly telling them to stop doing the same things all the time. So I stop and sit down with them and explain to them why they shouldn't be doing something. They actually start professional counseling next week. I think that will help a lot. I have considered possibly doing a little myself to help me out as well. Thank you for the advice. And I look forward to more advice from every one else!! I just felt like I was a bad person for not loving them like I feel I should.
You are not a bad person and
You are not a bad person and it sounds like you are off to a good start. It is a lot to take on. I wish you all well.
The counseling should help a
The counseling should help a lot. Meanwhile don't expect yourself to be instant Mommy to them. Frankly things could be a lost worse - read the Posts from step-parents whose step-kids tell them they hate them 30 times a day.
Every step-parent should assume they'll get full custody of the kids tomorrow and it really is just that close by. All it takes is one step in front of a bus.....
Thank you for that Orange
Thank you for that Orange county!!! I never thought of it that way....that they could be telling me they hate me 30 times a day. I always knew it would get to this point. But I didn't expect this soon. I always figured when they were 12 they could say they wanted to live with us and a Judge would take into account their wishes. I believe that is the age in Michigan. It all happened so fast. I think things will be a bit better as well when they get back in school. This school is only 2 miles from my house!!! I will get a little time back with my girls and the boys will be obviously at school busy all day. I just have to keep telling myself I am not a bad person for not having those motherly feelings towards them. Thank you also hereiam!! I feel very welcome and understood here! I felt like I was alone in the world with my feelings!! And I am lucky I have step boys that obey and love me as much as they do!
I am a custodial stepmom and
I am a custodial stepmom and I raised my two stepsons from ages 3&4 now 18&19. I love my stepkids and they love me, but I will say this: Summer time is the worst for all moms! Ugh it is torture. Kids hanging around bored all day, not being on a schedule, etc. I don't think it is good for anyone.
Put the boys in a school in your district. No need for you to drive hours everyday. Once school starts, things will get much better!
Also remember that they are
Also remember that they are going thru an adjustment period now as well. It will take time for their behavior to adjust completely with your household. They are only 5 & 7. Thank God for that. They are young enough not to be ruined for life by the biomom!
Carmen, welcome!! There is
Carmen, welcome!! There is nothing wrong with the way you feel!!!!!! Taking on two little strangers (and this is what they are to you even though they are your husbands children)is a huge thing!! You will and can't love them as your own AND THIS IS OK.You will feel resentful and sometimes long for the times when it was only your hubby, you and your girls-THIS IS ALSO OK.
The wish to love them and acknowledge that they went through a lot shows that you ARE a loving and caring person and that you will manage to stay friendly and civil to those boys.This is all you need to do for now.
And try to look after yourself and take breaks.Also take breaks with your husband- get a babysitter once a week or a fortnight.