How much to say to 16 year old bio
Greetings,
I'm a frequent lurker but infrequent poster. Back story-my SD is 22 and hates me, having called me a c$&t last year when she said she never wants to be in our family again. Since she decided this, my husband has still been paying for her car, insurance, phone and a couple thousand dollars for school. (SD is entering her fourth year of what appears to be a seven year undergraduate degree). Our DS is 16. I am suffering from late stage ovarian cancer. My MIL and FIL act nice but treat me cruelly behind my back.
I can't figure out what I did to SD. She mentioned yesterday that I hadn't gone to see her ride her horse enough. Those horse events take all weekend, and my younger DS had other stuff he wanted to do. For years, my husband didn't see us on the weekend because he was pursuing SD's horse habit while I took care of our son. She already had my husband, her mom and SF and my in laws in attendance. I went a couple times. I've gone to my son's track meets a couple times. That's how I roll. I did a lot of stuff for her: bday parties, yearly vacation besides the normal feeding etc.
My DS and I have a loving relationship. I'd be lying if I wasn't worried that my SD will somehow poison him against me after I die. I have this fantasy/nightmare that my husband will remarry and harmony will be restored. I want my son to have a relationship with his sister but I want him to be wary. He's sensitive-like me-and I don't want him hurt. On the other hand, I don't want to put him in the middle. He seems to be adverse to that. What should I say to him about the dispute. SD's complaints are often about favored treatment she thinks he has received. She is mad because we didn't take her on college tours (with a 2.0 average and as low an ACT score as one can get.) in the end, my son decided to save money and not go on college tours.
What should I say to him? "Your sister is mean, be careful of her when I'm gone? " There are so many other things, maybe more important things, I should focus on with him. Should I address the matter at all?
I would talk to him about how
I would talk to him about how he perceives the SD and your relationship with her. He is the bio of both you and your Dh, right? He may be totally aware of all that has been going on between you and SD, his half sister. And them being half siblings, she may treat him totally different than what she is treating you just because they are blood siblings.
So sorry to hear of your illness, hugs & prayers.
Hugs back to all. Sally, what
Hugs back to all. Sally, what you say makes sense. I'm proud of what a good mom I've been. His dad will remind him.
I posted a few months ago and received a similar reaction to some here. Spend energy on what's important, not just this step parent crap. But I'm piecing together a belief system for the hereafter, and I want to come in with the best karma I can. I've patched up some minor issues with people in my life, so I'm thinking about the big troublesome issues like my SD.
River, what do you mean if I am "dying honestly." You mean that you think I'm making this up? I guess there are people who do such things, and you must have been burned in the past. If you're getting that deceptive vibe from me, you should go for a tune-up. Absent advances in gynecological oncology, I'll be gone soon enough. I don't feel like creating wonderful memories with my son but just want to be here for him every day, check in with him, worry about his school work, grab a hug when he lets me and make him cheese quesadillas until he gets in his little car and drives off to college next year....I think I'll forgo any big talks with my son.
Three strikes-you've given me
Three strikes-you've given me some real food for thought. Condolences for the loss of your mother. She must have been debating with herself what to do, whether to warn you. She must have loved you very much.
I think I might tackle things
I think I might tackle things from the other angle and try to help my son develop stronger relationships with those people that I think can be a positive influence in his future life and support him through his grief. That way he will have mainly positive influences around him and perhaps only the one opposing voice of his sister.
Whatever you decide there is really no right answer only what you are comfortable with. He will work out life his own way and will be successful because you gave him a geat upbringing.
I hope you get many more hugs from your son and get to fatten him up on lots of quesadillas before college.
Oh damn. Been there, done
Oh damn. Been there, done that and got lucky with my only/last medical option. When I was dying I stepped back a LOT from SS and spent my energy on DD's even the were young enough they would forget most of it. I made sure the girls had tight relationships with other adults who could tell them stories. Your son will remember you and his relationship with you and that will counteract any potential poison from SK. I am so sorry you are dealing with this.