Help!! My stepkids are ruining my marriage! Husband is oblivious!
I am about ready to call it quits with my husband. We have only been married for 2 years and he can be a wonderful husband but he is a terrible father. You will have to forgive my bitterness and anger as I explain this situation, I honestly can not help but feel this way given the circumstances. Husband has 2 daughters from a previous marriage and I have 1 daughter from a previous marriage. His are 10 and 7, mine is 11. His 10 year old has peed and pooped her pants for as long as I've known her and she sits in it until someone tells her to go clean herself. When she does attempt to clean herself, she will go in the bathroom and wipe up and leave poop smeared everywhere and leave it for me to clean up. While I'm cleaning it, she will stand there and laugh. Sometimes she poops so bad that it comes through to the outside of her clothes and she will continue to sit on our brand new 3000 dollar couch and climb around in our bed and Dad says nothing about it. She pees her pants almost nightly because she says shes afraid to get up and go to the bathroom because shes scared so she will pee all over herself and go back to bed. As far as the pooping goes, she says she doesn't want to miss out on anything by stopping what she is doing and going to the bathroom. She and his 7 year old have recurrent infections down there from not wiping and sitting in pee and poop. They refuse to clean up after themselves. They will open food and throw the wrappers in the floor. I have seen them dump their entire plate and plate of food on the floor and walk away. They just push it off the table and walk away. They are both bullies. The oldest went at my daughter with her fists and continually threatens her and bullies her into cleaning up after her and doing what she says. She will literally make a mess and tell my daughter to clean it. She also threatened me and got in my face with her fists and I wasnt allowed to say a word about it. Both of his children lie and throw full out tantrums to get what they want, when they want it. The manipulation is unbelievable. They have his family and their mother believing that I am physically and mentally abusive to them and their father when I can't even hurt a fly. Husband wont even let me discipline them much less put my hands on them. Husbands mother despises me because I refuse to go to these kids softball games 5 times a week. How dumb is that? She says I am unsupportive and that husband needs to leave me before he disappears one day and no one can find him. Because of softball games?! I'm so confused. In her eyes and the eyes of his entire family, these kids can do no wrong and they just need more attention. How do I give attention to children that have no respect for me, my daughter, or my home? The 7 year old is so full of herself that if you do not acknowledge her entering the room, she will leave the room and stomp back in until you acknowledge her entrance.....no joke!! You cant compliment or give attention to anyone else unless it's her or she will start crying that nobody loves her. Both of these girls sneak in my bed at night and push me out so they can be next to dad. I cant tell you how many times I've replaced sheets and comforters and 300 dollar mattress toppers because of pee in my bed. I cant even use the washer and dryer without cleaning it of poop first from the 10 year olds clothes. I just cleaned her poop off of the back seat of my car that I still owe 20 grand on. It's a brand new car. Something I've never been able to have for myself until recently. They do not know the word no, they know nothing about consequences, and husband refuses to see a problem. He'll say things like "cut her a break, she hasn't had an accident in a few days". I'm supposed to praise a 10 year old for not pooping her pants for a few days because she's too lazy to go to the bathroom? They dont shower, they pretend to by turning the water on and standing in the bathroom but they walk out with dry hair and a dry towel. They dont wash their hands EVER, even after the one cleans poop off of herself! I am referred to as Mrs. HANNIGAN because I dont want them touching everything in my house with poop on their hands. A little about me and my daughter. Ironically, I am a germaphobe and always have been. I currently am compelled to clean my house daily because of all of this. It takes hours. I feel like Cinderella. My daughter is in remission from cancer so I am even more so compelled to bleach everything because of her immune system. It feels like a slap in the face that none of them will at least respect her situation! She's a sweetheart, definitely not a fighter and she wont stand up for herself against these kids. She and I view life differently than most because of the hand we were dealt and our compassion for others seems like a curse at times. We are always trying to find the good in people but I can not find the good in this. Forget locking ourselves in our rooms to escape it because that's not allowed by husband. His kids will throw a fit and get their way which means free rein of the house no matter whose room it is. Doesn't matter if you're sleeping either, if they want to come in my room at 5am and beat on a drum that's fine by husband. I'm so depressed!! I could go on and on and on and on but I wont. Somebody please help me! I need advice! Talk some sense into me before I lose my mind! Why wont Husband discipline these kids? Why am I the bad guy? I have tried to talk to him but then he guilts me by telling me I just dont like his kids so the conversation goes nowhere productive. When it's just us and my daughter everything is great. Its peaceful and calm and I feel like I can breathe and not spend my days cleaning house, but as soon as his kids come home, they control everything and everyone and its back to Cinderella.
My gosh iam so sorry about
My gosh iam so sorry about your situation...the only advice I can possibly give is try to make your husband and his ex take those girls to a dr. If there is no medical reason behind not going to the bathroom at their ages then it' got to be a psychological reason they need therapy and probably some type of behavior training...your husband needs to see what these children are doing to you or you should leave for the health and mental well being of your daughter. I wish I could help, I myself worry my stepson is on the same path as those girls he is about to be seven this year and he still doesn't use the toilet on time...just remember that even if it does come down to you leaving, you and your daughter deserve much better than you're getting
There is something wrong with
There is something wrong with girls of that age who are still messing themselves. They need professional help.
However, you have a serious, serious problem with your husband. He is delusional, is not supporting you, and he is allowing his daughters to abuse YOUR daughter. I would leave. I don't see a good ending here.
Oh boy! I felt like you were
Oh boy! I felt like you were speaking about my SS when referring to all the pee and poop accidents. He is also 10 and wets the bed EVERY SINGLE NIGHT and every time he goes poop it ends up all over my bathroom. The rugs, shower curtains, walls...like I don't know WTF he does in there but it is very aggravating as I am to a germaphobe and have a toddler (1 and a half) and a three-month-old in my house. I like to keep it as clean as I can seeing as I have a newborn. He is absolutely disgusting. He smells terrible and poop gets under his nails and we too have a brand new couch that he has also pooped on...my BABIES SIT ON THIS COUCH and I don't want his filthy hands touching ANYTHING IN MY HOUSE! I literally do a thorough disinfecting cleaning when they leave. I read every single one of your blogs because I can relate with you more than anybody else on this website. I I feel for you as a lot of circumstances you deal with, I do too. The only difference is my step kids are all boys and there is three of them. But regardless. I am so very sorry that you are going through all of this especially seeing that you and your daughter are so very different from his girls. I honestly don't know what to say when it comes down to your husband. Is he just lazy? Is he a Disney dad? I don't understand how this issue would not bother him. A 10 year old should be very much potty trained especially if there is nothing wrong with her. She is a healthy girl? I always tell my mother that my relationship will likely end do to this hellacious 10 year old step child of mine and that's the last thing that I want and I'm sure that's the last thing that you want too but as mothers we have to protect our young and do what's best for them. Have you had a serious talk with your DH about this? Have you threatened to leave? Maybe you do need to put your foot down and stay somewhere for a couple of days so that he can see that you are being serious about this issue and I guess how he reacts to that will determine a lot on what you should do in the situation but I feel like you are being very much just disrespected and you two are supposed to be working as a team and it seems like he just does not give a damn. So if he doesn't care how you feel or what is you and your daughters best interest than I think maybe you should consider moving on. It is only going to get worse if he doesn't hurry up and recognize that you are serious about this being a HUGE problem and enough is enough!
I literally do a thorough
I literally do a thorough disinfecting cleaning when they leave.
I have to do this too.
Gee,
if only someone would place an anonymous call to CPS, complaining about two little girls who are allowed to ferment in their own waste. *whistles and backs away* Ideally, the authorities would investigate and require your H to take parenting classes.
Hopefully, you've got an exit strategy. Your daughter's well-being should be your first priority.
I empathize, but I can't relate.
Do you feel like you're commanding respect from your husband? It doesn't sound like you are, and his lack of respect for you is trickling down to his DISGUSTING children.
You do not have to be mean when you tell people what your boundaries are.
Use the robotic roomate voice... calm, assertive, matter-of-fact. It's easy once you get the hang of it. Simply tell people how to treat you, and continue to hold them accountable when they cross the line.
This isn't completely about them though... you have to take some of the blame.
How can YOU let someone who poops their pants sit on your expensive couch? I would lose my sh!t about that. Insist that she doesn't sit on your couch until this 'problem' is handled. All you say is, "SD, please get off my couch. You can sit on *this chair* or the floor." Repeat as many times as necessary. Make your husband pay for steam cleaning it! Gross that she sits on your couch with a poop butt. It's YOUR couch. I just can't fathom... Ugh
And how can YOU let those kids in your bed? It's YOUR bed. Again, robotic roomate voice... "DH and SD's. My bed, my rules. No children in my bed or my room. Please leave." (If DH has a problem with it, he can leave too.)
And why are YOU cleaning this kid's poop in the bathroom? "DH, SD pooped and smeared it all over the bathroom again. Please clean it up so I can do my business." She is not your kid and you shouldn't have to clean up after her.
You also don't have to go to her damn games. Your mother-in-law has some nerve.
I do remember when SD came at me with a mop, like yours did with her fists. After the initial shock, I said something like, "That's not funny or cute. Do not play like you're trying to attack me or we are going to have problems little girl."
Matter-of-fact.
You can do this.
But truthfully, if it were me and my kid, I'd get the hell out of that animal house. Sounds like sheer misery... and unsanitary to boot.
He ain't worth it girl!
Wow!
Sadie: I am new to these boards but have never heard of anything like this. I don't know how you stand it. I'm not one to give advice, but I'd get some help -- quick -- for myself and my daughter, and tell DH you and your daughter are not living like this. It is disgusting, foul, and not normal. If DH doesn't discipline his kids and take them to a doctor, you are out of there.
Your poor daughter, dealing with cancer and the likes of spoiled brats! And the worst part is, it isn't their fault. It is at your husband and his ex's doorstep. This sounds like utter and abject failure as a parent and as a husband...very sad for him, you, your daughter, and those mess-covered children.
Please take some action on your own behalf! You know what they say..."Nothing changes until something changes." Praying for your wellbeing and will look for update on progress.
Ugh. How disgusting. So sorry
Ugh. How disgusting. So sorry you are dealing with these people. But this is a no brainer to me. You need to put your daughter first. She's a sick child and has to live in this environment of filth and bullying? For what? Why?
No man on earth would be worth it to me, especially one who let's his skanky children casually run around the house with excrement in their pants.
Leave
Leave and call CPS on him and BM. Those skids need professional help and you cleaning up after them HAS TO STOP NOW.
Thanks for the honesty
Thank you all for the brutal honesty on this. I have tried talking to H. I've yelled, I've left, I've tried switching my daughters schedule with her father to be opposite of his girls so that she is not here when they are. Ive done just about everything. The reason I don't discipline is because H will not let me. I have tried and the one time I did the girls lied and said God knows what so now everyone thinks I'm abusive to them. H knows better, but he does believe that my expectations of them are too much. He is just as lazy as them most times. My house is immaculate but it is not without effort every single day. I seriously feel like I follow them around with Clorox wipes because if I don't clean up after them no one will and I refuse to live in filth. In the beginning, I felt bad for them because everyone talked of how bad their mom was but I think that's something they use to justify all of this. The girls love their mom and enjoy their time with her so how bad can she be? She doesn't seem at all the way H and his family portrays her. She has taken the oldest to the doctor and ruled out any medical with the shit situation so when I suggested to H that it is a mental problem and to seek help, he got very defensive and laid on the guilt trip of how I hate his girls and I walked away feeling like a horrible person. I try to tread lightly when talking about someone else's children but I personally am not one of those mothers that thinks my child is perfect like H does. He always says that he will "talk to them". What is talking going to do? They could care less about what anybody has to say. Trust me when I say I have said it all to him and NOTHING has made a bit of difference. This is no longer a marriage. I refuse to even go anywhere with all of us as a family because I am so embarrassed of their behavior in public. I cant even take them to the grocery store without them literally laying in the middle of the isle so no one can pass. EMBARRASSING!! I did tell H I was going to notify CPS if something didn't change because I can no longer watch the oldest beat up on the youngest amongst all these other issues. He became very defensive on that one and he and mommy agreed that it was best that I wasnt alone with these kids. Seriously??? He does nothing without mom's say and she butts into every detail of my life. She has me under a microscope and I have been nothing but nice to these people. I just dont understand. They went as far as doing a background check on me and they constantly think I'm going to cheat on their son because that is what his ex did. They have him so paranoid that he sits in the parking lot of my work with a pair of binoculars during some of my shifts. Ridiculous! I feel like I'm living a nightmare. I entered this marriage in hope's of helping these kids and guiding them. I knew they were not perfect, but H and I did not live together prior to marriage so I had no idea it was this bad. I feel very deceived. I did not sign up for this. You are right.....my daughter and I deserve better.
You need to leave with your
You need to leave with your daughter, now. This environment is not safe for her. Your #1 job as a mother is to keep your child safe.
By allowing this to continue and doing nothing to change it you are letting your "husband" know it's ok.
Leave. If you won't protect yourself, at least protect your child. Be a mother.
Gross.
Amen Steppedout. You need to listen to her Sadie. IMO, our job as moms is to keep our children safe, fed, and turn out a productive, compassionate person onto society. You need to get your DD OUT OF THERE. If what we've already said or your maternal insinct isn't enough, let me tell you something another poster shared with us , years ago. Her SS smeared shit everywhere like your steps, "coincidentally" (her DH thought) her own DD came down with Bacterial Meningitis and was in the hospital for ten days. Oh and definately call CPS. I couldn't even finish your post I was so grossed out.
Oh boy! You have got to go!
Oh boy! You have got to go! Your husband not trusting you is a good enough reason alone! You two are married... there is absolutely no reason why he should be sitting outside of your work and just because his ex cheated on him does not mean that you should have to deal with the repercussions of that. You are your own person. And he is a mama's boy! Oh lord. I have had one of those and never again. Sounds like your husband has some serious issues within himself.
You deserve better
You and your daughter deserve so much more don't settle there is better out there trust me. I wouldn't hesitate to start over idc if I have to go to a shelter and be inconvienieced for a bit and get back on my feet, it's abusive the way he's teatime u guys. Those kids need help if he's not going to help them and do anything and u can't live like that then remove your and your daughter! ASAP'
You have a husband problem
You have a husband problem that is bigger than any of your skid problems. Divorce that ahole and ghost him and his feral family. He is not even close to being a “wonderful husband “. That is delusional.
My SS is half the age of
My SS is half the age of yours, but has issues remembering to wash his hands after using the bathroom. DH didn't always remember to check... and I'd get frustreated, going behind SS and lysol-ing everything he touched until I made him wash his hands.
Eventually I told DH that if he didn't feel it necessary to make his child wash his hands after using the bathroom that was on him, but that he was the one who could run around after SS to disinfect everything his little toilet hands touched, because I wasn't about to get sick, nor was I going to risk my kids getting sick.
DH brushed it off... I stopped disinfecting everything, gave my kids a small thing of purell...kept one for myself... and shortly after, ss caught Hand Foot and Mouth disease.
Now, DH forces ss to wash his hands - to the point of standing there to make sure it's done properly. SS still tries to sneak by without doing it, but DH is doing a great job avoiding little toilet hands touching everything.
It's now ss's chore to go around with a lysol wipe and disinfect all the door handles in the house, and I don't think so much about poop particles on every surface.
When my son was little, he crapped himself once out of laziness (not accident, those happen and that's ok) so I made him clean out his own underwear. As in, scrape out into toilet, and handwash in tub. He was so disgusted, he never did it again.
If it hasn't happened all
If it hasn't happened all ready then get this kid to both a Medical Doctor and a Psychologist to identify any physiological or psychological issues that may be in play.
If there are no extenuating medical or abuse/psych issues then the way to deal with this is with zero tolerance.
We dealt with this by putting our kid in diapers and making him wear them in public. Nothing like accountability in the form of public humiliation to correct non medical issuew with toilet training. At 10yo have this kid wear a diaper to school and let her peers pile on to correct this behavior. We put the kid in a pull up and a T-shirt and shoes and made him wear only that around for a weekend with the forecast that he would wear it to school on Monday and in public all weekend. If he was going to act like a baby... he could wear a diaper like a baby. He came to us late Sunday evening in his regular bed clothes and told us that he understood and that it would never happen again. And it didn't.
I would be lighting that kid's ass up with a belt if she was crapping and pissing all over my house for no reason other than laziness and attention. Then I would have her in a diaper 24/7 until she gained clarity.
If DH can't recognize that he is an abject parental failure and waste of skin as a parent then I would let him know that from now on he takes his visitation with his effluent spawn in a hotel and not in YOUR home.
Hi!
Go read my last post! I have the same situation with my SD 10!!! Shits her self and has for the past 8 months! I put my foot down and took my husband. To sams club made him buy her diapers and wipes like a baby she carried a backpack and all her underwater are thrown away, he dad is comfortable with me inspecting her I do it right in front of him the therapist said it was the only way to make her stop the lying! They are doing it on purpose they need profession help! Like she's getting! I'm here if u wanna chat! Im so depressed this is my 3rd marriage Im debating on leaving if the situation doesn't improve and quick. I'm not going to be disrespected. I have cameras all over my house in the kid's rooms and common areas the only area I don't is the bathroom. I'm very clean I make sure they wash their hands I have an 8 month old not to mention Covid and rsv season and common other colds and just germs. I don't want her even picking up his toys and handing them to him at this point. I tell my husband every time she even looks at me funny. He tells them to ask me for permission for this and that and redirect them to him. To let him know I'm no longer taking on that responsibility without the title he wants me to be thier mother with out actually being thier mother doesn't like it when I mention things she does "dadddys poppy pants princess" that is and try's to quickly find something one of my kid's did just to counteract the fact his princess got in trouble with me.. smh I'm really tired of ir before he got full custody of his kids things were great. His son his great treats me as a bonus mom!!!! Tells me he loves me hugs me constantly and acts and behaves well! He's 8 so I know it's just his little devil' I mean daddy's poppy pants princess
RUN!
I've been in a similar situation, and those kids are messed up in the head. No amount of fixing will help at this point. Their bio parents did this and you don't deserve to suffer through their mess. Just save yourself the heartache and leave. It will only get worse. If you are giong to stay, wear a body camera at all times. Otherwise its their word against yours, and no one ever believes the step parent.