HELP!!!! I am about to send the BM a Nasty Email
For those of you who do not know I moved into the home my DH and his EX shared. I am trying very hard to not loose my temper and just grow as a family. Love one another and respect one another and our boundries. I am very patient and have been with this man for over four years. He knows I do not like the BM and think she is the most worthless piece of nasty ass excuse for a human being on the face of the earth. I have told him to keep her out of my world and I will be fine.
Okay so today.....
He copies me on an email that she sends to all of our neighbors. A couple that live across from us are going through some difficult and stressful times because one partner is ill. These are two very private women. The one has to leave for business and so family comes in to take care of the other. Instead of leaving it at this the BM decides that she is going to send out an email and schedule (even thought she is not on our block anymore) on how we all need to make dinners for them and walk their dogs and water their yard. These two women have already set up provision for this. The email states that they dont know and I hope they are not mad however we need to take care of each other. So when can we all put ourselves on the schedule to do this.
I responded back to Dh that I was going to refrain from verbal vomit. That I would not be a part of the schedule but I would go check on neighbors on my own.
Okay so she sends him another email later in the afternoon stating that everyone has volunteered but us and these are the days that are open....will we take them....If not, no worries Thanks.
He took the days...without even taking my words early into consideration.
Know they have family over.....and I know what it is like to be ill and not want to deal with many people. So I feel this is over stepping bounds.
I am mad
He doesnt understand why but still bitches about how stupid ex is.
He should have told her No.....Bettina will check on them through out the day if they need anything.
I feel like he betrayed me and again we are living on his Exs Freaking schedule.
Pissed and wanting to send Email about how she has overstepped bounds with their family.....I know these women and they will be pleasant but not happy with the intrusion.
Help!!!!
It seems really tempting, but
It seems really tempting, but you will probably be better off and not regret it if you don't send an email. I agree with sammyanna. Your husband agreed to the schedule, not you, so if he wants to go ahead with it, he can choose to do so. I would have nothing to do with it, personally.
I don't know those people, obviously, but if I were going through a hard time and/or illness, I would be raging pissed if some inappropriate busybody made up a schedule for visiting and "helping" me. I might call and offer support, depending on how close I was to them, but in general, I give people a wide berth when they are going through something tough because I think it is pushy and disrespectful to do more, unless you are a close and personal friend.
Do what you were going to do and ignore the BM completely. She is choosing to do what I consider crossing a boundary and I would stay as far away from that as possible. She may be trying to get a rise out of you, or some negative reaction and if you email her, she will get the satisfaction of knowing that she got to you.
I would also tell your husband that if he signs up to do something without your consent, it is him signing up for it, not both of you and that you will not be held to something you never agreed to in the first place. He sounds like he needs to set better boundaries with his ex and she just sounds kind of nuts.
Thank You to both of you
Thank You to both of you Ladies.....
I explaind to DH that it was a boundry issue on all accounts this morning.
We have had so many issues regarding the BM and her constant emails of non-sense. I agreed weeks ago with inside myself to just step away from the whole situation. Explained to him that if it was something he choose to deal with then I really didnt want to her about it. No more crankiness towards me because he is pissed about the overflow that she sends. Then he forwards this stuff yesterday. And the caption leading into her email was "Take a look at this shit"........
I expressed to him that I have never put him in a situation where he has had to live by any schedule planned by my EX. He is deceased now but when he was alive my DH could not even bring himself to meet the EX. His boundaries and I stood by him on that. Even to go as far as to find a mutual meeting site to drop my BD off at so he would not have to see him....this was at my DHs request.
Now with BM
I am supposed to understand that she is my SD Mom and is in our lives on the level he puts her at. He says that he will handle her however I am faced with having to deal with her at times with drop off and pick up. I am supposed to understand and just let it breeze over my head that she has told the neighbors that I broke them up. I didnt start dating this man until they had been divorced for 2 years. I am supposed to listen to the sideways comments made to me by her best friend ( our neighbor across the street) when we have gatherings at our house with the neighbood people. I am supposed to understand that for some reason there must be daily updates on SD either via email or text.
I dont understand and refuse to let all of this be the center of my world.
Now for two weeks if I dont want to have to be faced with BM I must schedule my watering times and my times out in the neighboorhood or be faced with her trying to play nice when she sees me and there are people around. I was taught by my Mother to always be a lady and that is what I will do.....but you can only take so much sometimes before you just blow....I did tell my DH with this all occuring it is very much a possibility. And if so will be done tactfully but my point with boundaries on my behalf will be made.
Dont do it!! Step away from
Dont do it!! Step away from the computer!! lol I would NEVER put anything in writing to BM. Period. But I do agree that DH crossed a boundary by "playing along" with BM's stupid little invasive schedule after you SAID you didnt want to. When you said you didnt want to, surely you meant "collectively" that you and DH shouldnt fall into her little invasion.
Of course, when EVERYONE ELSE did it, and she sent that 2nd email, I bet DH felt that it only made you guys look uncaring for not signing up. I doubt it entered his mind that he was choosing EX's idea and disregarding your thoughts about it. Not that that makes you feel any better about it.
But if this "helpful schedule" had come from one of your actual other neighbors, would you have thought differently? Would you have thought "oh how nice" and agreed to help out? Would you have felt more comfortable debating it and suggesting that these women may not feel comfortable with the help? I cant help but think that your reaction has everything to do with WHO it came from (rightfully so if you ask me!) but maybe you can figure the best way to proceed by considering if the same offer came from someone else.
I wonder, if you really feel compelled to Say SOMEthing...if you might just say the same thing you'd say to another neighbor? That while it seems like a nice thought, did she consider that they would welcome it? I dont know if I could refrain from saying "you are not their neighbor anymore" but it might be good to leave that out. Or just not reply at all, and hope that posting it here got it our of your system!!
I feel ya girlfriend......
Thank you guys again....Yes I
Thank you guys again....Yes I do need to let Him take care of this because I dont agree with the way it was handled.
Midwestmama....
Yes it does upset me that it was the BM that sent the email out. However my frustration comes from knowing these women and knowing how proper they are with their southern etiquette. They had set up for the Sister and Brother In Law to come and stay with them durring this time. I personally feel that I would be overstepping Family Boundaries as these people traveled to be here and take care of their family member.
I would have been more comfortable with the situation if it had been discussed and planned with the family. I am very close with one of the ladies and I know how private and Non Drama filled she is. She is going to be pissed when she gets back home.
Maybe you could send a
Maybe you could send a thoughtful and caring email to everyone on the email EXCEPT BM and mention those things?? wouldnt it be funny if they all backed out to her separately?
Write the letter, get
Write the letter, get everything you want to say out of your system, but DONT SEND IT. I know you want to, but don't do it. It will just cause so much drama.
Ignore it. I know you care
Ignore it. I know you care for these women, but it's BM that comes off looking like an intrusive ass. You are in no way responsible for her or her dimwitted actions. I know it's hard because we sometimes feel like BMs are a reflection of us because our DH's were once with them, but that's not true at all. Our DH's are no longer with them and have chosen us for a reason. How we react to just such situations is evidence of those differences.
Send a thoughtful note or card to the family with get well wishes and let them know you are available to help them in any way. Be gracious and let BM be her own ridiculous self.
And ask DH to never forward any such dumb sh!t from BM to you again. He had his boundaries with your ex and you should set yours with BM.
And in the card you might
And in the card you might list things you'll help out with like walking the dog, yard work, running errands, or offer for the caregivers to come over for coffee or dinner if they'd like as a respite. And include your phone number.
That's probably what I would do, anyways.
That is a very good idea....I
That is a very good idea....I think I will do that so I am available but not intrusive.
Thank You very much for that advice!