Help with differences in parenting beliefs
I am hoping that someone can help me. My youngest stepdaughter just turned 10 and I am afraid she is being raised as a brat. When she comes to stay with us, she literally does nothing but lay on the couch and watch tv, sometimes 6-8 hours a day. I feel as though she should have chores like the two older girls(both 14, one his and one mine) but he(her dad, my husband) doesn't agree. He keeps saying she is just a little girl and isn't old enough to have any responsibility yet. She doesn't have to set the table, clean up after herself or even hang up her coat(she just throws it on the living room floor)! Please note this girl wears make-up, owns an Ipod and a digital camera and has a myspace page, all very grown up things that he has allowed her to have. Her dad, my second husband, treats her like a princess. He waits on her hand and foot. He makes a big deal about serving her first at the dinner table, even though the other girls set the table and help make the food while she laid on the couch.
She makes herself the center of attention all the time, interrupting others and barging her way into adult conversation uninvited.
She nevers uses "please" or "thank you" with anyone other than her dad so he thinks she is polite and has manners.
He feeds her anything she wants, no matter how unhealthy it is. She is already very overweight from being so inactive and I worry about her health. She lives on bacon, sausage and mayo sandwiches and mountain dew and never eats any fruits or vegetables.
I have caught her in some lies that she has told my daughter. When I approach my husband and explain the trouble this has created between my daughter and I, he sticks up for his daughter and says that I am lying.
I love this man so much. I know he is trying to get his daughter to want to spend time with him(his daughters have no visitation schedule but move freely between their mom's house and our house)but nonetheless, it is at the sacrifice of the sanity of myself and the older girls. It also makes the older girls resentful as they see her get all the privileges and none of the responsibilities. I have tried and tried to talk to him about this but he gets very defensive and even angry.
I'm not sure how much longer I can tolerate this. I don't think that I should have to clean up after her, and I definitely think she should be pulling her weight around the house and not be singled out.
Any advice?
Yes, I have some advice
Go to your nearest Home Improvement store, purchase a 2x4...and whack him the thick skull with it about 30 times!!!
Maybe then he'll get the message that he's screwing up his marriage, his "Precious Princess" AND his OTHER CHILDREN with all his ridiculous guilt-parenting!
I had one of those, too. A DH who REFUSED to see that he treated one of his daughters differently from the rest- the "Golden Child" the "Princess". And everyone else in the house knew it. His other two daughters knew she was "the Special one" who could do no wrong. My two boys knew it. I knew it. And worst of all, SHE knew it!
But God forbid, anyone MENTION it to DH, he would flip out. Make excuses for her. It was not true. I WAS the BAD GUY, making this up.
It took two counselors, a Parenting Coach, and FOUR LONG WASTED years until her behvaior got way out of control until he finally admitted that, yes, MAYBE, something was "off" with this child and MAYBE he was part of the reason for it. DUH- YA THINK???
The result, unfortunately, is now it's too late. She's now almost 17 and doesn't give a crap what anyone says. If he had just heeded my warnings (not to mention the therapists) way back when, MAYBE there would have been a chance to help her become a better person...but not now.
But you have time on your side IF your DH will listen to your concerns. I suggest therapy, and fast. Time's a wasting. It's only going to get worse, and quickly.
I can tell you that all the other siblings very much resent SD16 because of all the things she was able to "get away with" (not doing chores, not having the same consequences, being allowed to stay out and having special privlidges that they weren't, etc). DH did quite an effective job at creating animosity between the other kids and her.
I just hope, for your sake, he's more receptive than my DH was.
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
that's awful!
I don't understand how some bioparents can be so blind to behavior like this. I read post after post about AWFUL stepkids who's bioparents do nothing but make excuses for them. It is INSANE. I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I mean, what does he plan to do - all of a sudden when she's 12 or 13 put all these new requirements on her and expect that she will smile and do her part? DOUBT IT! More likely she will be even more spoiled by then and refuse!
I have different stepparenting issues, but I am working on disengaging a bit from my ss6. I'm letting his dad take over the responsibilities that are bringing me stress. It's only been a few days but so far, so good.
Have you thought about letting your husband clean up after your sd? let him pick up her coat, get her snacks, etc...whatever tasks he can take over. This will not only lighten your load, but also might open his eyes to how RIDICULOUS being her slave is!!!
I think
that 10 years old is the perfect age to start whipping them into shape.Even alot younger!!!Instead of doing dh laundry and folding it all nice throw it on the floor!!!!when he asks why you did that just say well your daughter is being taught that it is ok so you thought you would help him teach her that!!!!!
NONONO
I wouldn't allow such silly behavior... My SD MUST clean her own toys, room, put her plate and cup in the kitchen, knock on the doors, not interrupt adults while talking, etc... and she is only 4... Oh I wanna see my husband trying to tell me NOT to involve his daughter in doing the dishes or anyting at 10... ohhhh HELL NOOOOOOOO... THIS ISSUE MUST BE ADDRESSED by professionals immediately...!!! The rest has already been said by the former posts...
He is lacking common sense, I would go from what you said (the fact that she owns an ipod, phone, has a myspace account etc...) and tell him, that if he is going to treat her as young lady by giving her all these things, he will also treat her like a YOUNG Lady(not a a baby)when it comes to helping around the house. If he wants her to act like a baby, then she shouldn't have the things she has. YOU CANNOT choose to be a grown up for some things and a baby for others, tell him to stop being a hypocrite, MAN UP, and prevent the tremendous damage he will create in all of the parties that are involved in this issue.
GOOD LUCK...