He HATES my kids
My fiance' of two years and I have been struggling with only 1 issue and 1 issue alone. He hates my kids. My sons are 3 and 6 and his son is 7. My boys are not "brats" they are loving sweet funny smart individuals. His son is the same.
As of all kids they have their tantrum days, their "I don't want to eat that days" and their talking back days.
My fiance can't stand it. He hates when my kids talk back (my oldes will backtalk to me in the same tone as his Bio Father-can you guess he whitnesses that from "dad"? ) I CAN! but I put him in his place or talk to him about it. Some is angst over the divorce I think but also I think kids can sense things. I know my son knows my fiance does not like him even though my oldest hugs him and wants to go with my fiance places. I have to tell him NO he wants to go with his BS alone. and it breaks my heart to not have anything to back it by..I mean I refuse to tell my son "your stepdad dislikes you"
I know things happen over time and I'm NOT forcing him to like them but every time they are good if for one second they talk back or whine it ERASES that in my fiance's mind. I told him once if your SON did that you would NEVER love him..
He tends to put his son on a pedistal. Now his son is a good kid, smart and about the same speed and personality as my two, they all love eachother and treat eachother like "brothers" Its very sweet and cute but can make for Chaos because they are silly and feed off eachother. This too drives my fiance nuts them acting stupid. He is also spoiled , given anything he wants my his grandmother and is manipulative to the point of wanting to call her if he wants something and also if I buy something for myself (video game etc) he is on the phone trying to get one of his own and if he doesn't get it he turns into a mushball crying etc. (this side I do NOT like of him but feel its not my thing to deal with except I did tell my ex that that is unacceptable behavior somtimes in life you do NOT get what you want) but overall I love him. Hes a good boy and all my boys get along with him..
My youngest refuses to eat meat and many other things (picky eater) and as I don't go and make him something special per his Pediatrician he should be allowed healthy alternatives, grapes bananas etc. MY EX HATES that my son gets that special "THING" ..granted we eat at the dinner table all together and real yummy meals but my youngest is going through a phase and I also refuse to let him starve ..I have tried all things and my sons doctor and I have figured this is best, he will eat what he likes that we serve and then to fill any kind of fruit. it drives my fiance nuts but I would also allow this for my oldest if he had a eating issue (he eats normal though) so my youngest gets 'special treatment"
my fiance has adknowlenged that he doesnt' like the boys, still. and feels bad but can't help it. I to a point understand...but at the same time he doesn't try (he will watch them for me, never is mean to them, and will also give hugs back if given) but he doesn't have any feeling for them. now...they don't NEED his love , they have a huge family, a mom and a dad who both love them to death but it upsets me that he doesn't have anything for them..
I don't want to leave him. I do love him. He treats me like gold but I feel like eggshells every time I'm disrespected (talked back to) and such because he does not approve of that behavior. MY thing is all kids go through these things. My boys tell me they love me give and get hugs and kisses from me and we do lots of things as a "family" but I know my fiance still dislikes them..
should I let it go and see what happens? make my fiance' do more with them? or leave him? I am so torn. My fiance' is a great guy and I know has it in him to love them I just don't know why he doesn't....
^This, unfortunately. I grew
^This, unfortunately. I grew up with a stepfather who had no love for me, and it was a nightmare. He was probably a much worse overall human being than OP's fiance, but it's still not going to be good for your kids if he really doesn't even like them, much less love them.
Your fiance needs to leave
Your fiance needs to leave you alone about what you choose to do with your child. Some kids go through a picky stage. You seem to be making him still sit with everyone and try to eat, but if he doesn't then he get a healthy alternative.
This is tough because I empathize with your child. I was very finicky when I was young, and my mom didn't make me clean my plate or eat something that didn't taste good to me. But she didn't make me special meals either.
On the other hand, I can see where this would be hard on your fiance because he wants them all treated the same... however, i think this food thing is only a symptom of what is really bothering your fiance. I would talk to him. Stop walking on eggshells, he parents his you parent yours. He is choosing not to be close or be involved. He just isn't be consistent.
what I don't understand is
what I don't understand is how someone can't "like" them if they are well rounded normal people...they are not mouthy or swear...I know I can't force it but why won't he even try?
I honestly don't know. Have
I honestly don't know. Have you two talked about it? I mean what really keeps him from getting close? Maybe he doesn't know or doesn't want to admit what it really is.
sonrias, that is the saddest
sonrias, that is the saddest story. I'm so sorry you and your boys lived through that.
Please tell me they went on to be successful in life. Please tell me your husband never molested them and at least they had a safe place at night to sleep in that emotional abusive enviornment.
I can't tell you how sad I am for you and all that must live the way you did. But I admire you strength to move forward and get out. It's so scary when one has kids, no money, and no means to move them out of a situation like that.
My heart really really aches for you. Stay strong and do move on.
I do ask him and he and I
I do ask him and he and I have a stellar relationship otherwise. He says he just doesn't and them balktalking drives him up a wall. well. ALL kids test boundaries. His ex got preg 3 months into the relationship AFTER he tried to break it off with her and then felt bad and TRIED to make it work. SHe thinks it was a OOPS I think she was usuing him as a doner (he's VERY good looking) He then stepped up and for three years stayed with a cheating lying bitch who used him for his money and such. after three years she then woke up on christmas day packed a bag and walked out leaving him with his son.
I KNOW he has issues with it being THRUST upon him with his own. I KNOW it took him a long time to accept his own son and he said he put him through the ringer in the process (he was VERY young 21 and the biomom was 18) he took care of his son and worked. He did the dad thing and worked. I GET IT.
But now its been 7 years and we are now engaged to be married. I ADORE him no joke. he is a wonderful man and gives me all the love I need. he IS a great father to his son but is harsh on some things and even to the point that after he will have disiplined his child later that night I will discuss why I thiought he was too hard on his son etc. Sometimes he reflects and agrees sometiems he doesn't. I feel he is my best friend and love of my life.
this is why this tears me up so. I tried to talk to him last night but things got heated so we just went to bed. I woke up this AM with him snuggling me, he went and got ready for work and jumped back into bed to "hold" me for 5 min before he had to run. HE IS WONDERFUL.
but. MY KIDS. my sweet little boys who have said "I LOVE YOU" to him and he just gives a hug back and thats that. Its hard. No they do NOT need him they get love from their real father and I. LOTS OF IT. and all other family but I feel there should be some sort of even LIKE from him. He said if I felt the way he did for his son it'd tear him apart. Kudos for putting the shoe on the other foot but how about walking in it?
Who do you love more, your
Who do you love more, your kids or this man? Do you really want your sons to grow up in a home with a man who hates them??? NOTHING he says or does to/for you should make you put him before your children. The only good thing about him is that he was honest about how he feels. Now it's up to you to act on it and protect your boys. There is someone out there who will love you and your sons.
^^^^^^^^Agree. You can't
^^^^^^^^Agree. You can't sacrifice your babies no matter how much you think he loves you. Life is hard enough. Been there. Left.