I need a Dads Point of view! Please help!
I am married to a good man, sweet and wonderful to me. He does not like my children , says they are disrespectful and "if its a attack on me its a attack on him" so if they are being smart he gets quite upset, almost panic attack mode and he leaves the room, but his son can call my dinners "disgusting" request not to sit next to me (I've NEVER done anything for him to act like this) and hide from any motherly or stepmotherly affections, put me down and literally disagree with me on EVERYTHING I say "noooo, no oh " is like his fav thing to say to me. So basically he's disengaged himself, he says he doesn't "like" them and says that not everyone likes everyone big or small.
Quick background, three years together, living as a blended family my two boys 7 and 4 and his 8 yr old boy. We are married.
My kids are here three on three off and every other weekend, his son is all week and weekend w/bio mom.
It hurts to know he'll never have that bond w/my children and I feel bad that he's missing out on two great kids, my two boys are typical kids, so is his son, but in his eyes his son is perfect and my two are the instigators and brats, even though I've caught his son doing the same stuff and reprimanded he still denies or puts it on my kids saying if so and so wasn't playing with his son then his son wouldn't have etc etc. Basically can do no wrong..
I mean, my boys dad is in their life equally to mine and although I dislike him VERY much he is a good dad and loves them so much. They don't NEED their stepdad, but I feel like my husband has drawn this line "his boy" and me and mine. and I feel they should have a bond w.him.
Then I touched upon a subject that made him go nuts, just saying literally just speaking hypothetically "would you have a baby with me" he said he'd want me to do plan b, or he'd (haha) push me down a flight of stairs, blow his brains out and recently "we would have some serious F'ing problems"
I said, I don't WANT a baby but I don't understand why you wouldn't consider if that did happen to be a want of mine, I know he is traumatized by his dimwitted ex "I didn't know you had to take BC every day" and forced a son on him that he now obv, loves and puts ahead of everyone including me. Babying him and letting him have everything - laptop, ipad, video game system(s) he is quite spoiled. He also will hide at his parents house when I have my boys after school on my day off if hes out of work early avoiding my kids..I know a blended family isn't what the orig. would be but is this the way it is?
he also stepped up and is a great dad, trading Full custody of his son for a couch to his ex. Yes she is a crappy mom obv. , materialistic and psycho.
What I don't understand and again hurts me is this man wouldn't even fathom having a baby with me, the woman who loves him SO much, does SO much for him, I quite literally adore him. He's very loving with me but this is such a sore subject . I just want some advice so I can shelve this issue and let go of maybe entertaining the thought of having another baby in the far future.
Our boys all love eachother and admittidly it can be loud and nuts here but all laughter and play. Not hate. So why not have a baby sometime in the future "maybe" and maybe it would be a girl. Am I being unrealistic?
Should I expect him to even try with my kids or do most Step dads hate their step kids. I will say my step son is a good boy but can be annoying and emotional but I in no way dislike him. I do dislike his gram giving him EVERYTHINg he wants .
"I said i dont WANT a baby
"I said i dont WANT a baby but i dont understand why you wouldnt consider if that did happen to be a want of mine.."
"What i dont understand and again hurts is this man wouldnt even fathom having a baby with me.."
Sorry, you are talking in circles. You say you DONT want to have a baby, but your hurt because he doesnt want to have a baby with you?!!!
I understand where u r coming
I understand where u r coming from. It's not that you want another child, but it's good to know that the option is there.
Its not that I want to have a
Its not that I want to have a kid, (we couldn't with work and such and kids now) its that if it happened our relationship would be OVER!? how many ppl have accidents and oops and they go forward and have a baby.
I don't think your being a bitch, Echo, my ex beat me pretty bad several times too the last time I was hiding in my room shaking thinking i was going to die.. this man -my husband- came a year after and took care of me, treat(s) ME well and is very sweet. I understand it riles you but it was all in jest, it was his way of saying NO. I think he's terrified of having another child w/out his control. He also said he's blow his brains out, (he never would he would NEVER do such a thing esp to his son ) so take this for what you will : his wording is dramatic -he is a writer.
this subject gets him upset, prob because of his ex. I agree w/you a 4yo knows what a condom is, and I often give him shit because she got preg and he believed her bs lie about BC. Right. I can't imagine anyone that dumb. I told him to think with his head on his shoulders not the other one.
I'm looking for advice not ridicule on the man I married, I get your issues your past, but he is not a beater or a tantrum from a beater, what I want to know is what should we do, the one thing I want to do and he doesn't think would help is counseling. He says I can talk to him, I've TRIED but he doesn't get it. and not only the kids but the bonding w/my own he says he doesn't click with them. any other DADS out there have that problem? Should I MAKE him take alone time with them?
My husband would NEVER lay a hand on me EVER. First off his MOTHER/FAMILY would kill him and disown him I know this for a FACT. and nm I think I'd kill him. I'm NOT afraid of him and he often says he's worried of my wrath if I ever got mad. Hes not a beater.
I think what I'm saying is I'm not Jealous of his ex, but I'm jealous he let her have a baby and raise it. but if I did DID he would end it all-I'm sure leave me, and prob fight again for another kid he didin't want., mind you she did this they stayed together for 3 years and all this was after he told her he didn't want to be with her, then she got preg, he said fine he'd try and then 3 years later she walks out on xmas.
all I want is him to say "if we didn't have 3 boys. YES I'd have a baby with you"
Im catchin what your pitchin!
Im catchin what your pitchin! I think your relationship problems are a little deeper than a "baby". I think, from what i have read here, you are feeling insecure about your relationship with him. I think you dont wanna hear the "yes honey, i would have a baby with you, blah blah.."
I think you need to hear, "yes honey, i love you and im here for the long haul. Through the good and bad. Were in this together."
Something to that effect.
can't win, I think your onto
can't win, I think your onto something, never thought about that but your right, I DO want to know that. I mean I know that but I want to HEAR it.
I think more importantly, you
I think more importantly, you want to FEEL it.
im pro counselor. Maybe you can start goin and then dh will follow. You said he's basically disengaging. So of course that kicks up the insecurities you have with the relationship. And as a stepmom, for me, i didnt disengage for no reason. And usually disengaging from the sk's is becuz of relationship issues. Im not sayin the sk's arent doin what their doin, and that they shouldnt be held accountable, but usually our bigger issues lie with our partner. There's a reason he's disengaging. And you said that you have tried talking to him, while i do believe you i wonder how often you are really saying what you mean. The whole baby thing being an example. The discussion wasnt about a "baby" but your need to feel loved, connected, and secure. But instead you were askin him about a baby.
While i get what you were askin, dh isnt.
The big thing is , if I
The big thing is , if I didn't want to have a baby, and I got preg. I'd say ok, and plan B. I'm on a IUD for another year and then he's getting a vasectomy. Mostly because 1. He's hell bent on no more and 2. I think he should suffer a litte LOL not really but it helps some
plus I can't have my tubes tied too many cysts run in my family for surgery in that area, two cousins and my mom both had major issues getting tubes tied, I'm not taking any chances with that.
I am going to do counseling alone and yes I agree he doesn't want to do counseling because he's afraid of what they may have to say, I'm not in the right all the time but I do know that if he went he would still disagree and STILL believe that he was right, and thats no joke, my husband is pigheaded.
and I did tell him I wanted to just know that nomatter what he'd be there, but he said well, if nomatter what I'd be there and if you happened to get preg, there are other options than having a baby
and I agree with him I'm pro choice HOWEVER thats not the f'ing point! what if I was more "you play you pay?" its the hypothetical he can't wrap his head around, it began in conversation "what if" and blew up into this BS.
he and I are over that hump and going forward. But he knows he's getting chopped. I"M NOT.