God bless you, step-parents!
I have now tried three different long-term relationships with step-kids. The kids are sweet, I love them, I still act as their doctor, I wanna see them grown up and happy and with happy babies in the future. My dilemma is, I don't think I have what it takes to be a step-mom. I can never love kids more than my own biological ones and it is not fair to the step-kids, especially since they always fall in love with me (I am kind of a goof and I am nice to the kids, play with them, do everything for them with love), all have called me "mommy" very early on, wanted to hold me all the time, and...I get kinda weirded out by this. I am not sure that "bond" that we have with our kids is ever possible. I have decided to not get involved as a step-mom, maybe date the great man, go to fun activities with the kids, but I cannot live in the same house with step-kids. Has anyone felt like this?
I understand your reasoning,
I understand your reasoning, but a lot of what you say, (IMO) is due to not setting personal boundaries and expectations of what your relationship should be as a step-parent...
Here's what I mean...
You say, "I can never love kids more than my own biological ones and it is not fair to the step-kids". Truth is that you don't have to love them as much as your bios. That wouldn't be fair to you either. It's a different dynamic, and a lot of people have brain washed us over the years to believe that as a step parent you're supposed to love them as much as your bio, but THAT is not normal, or easy, or reality...You can love them, but don't put that pressure on yourself.
You say, "all have called me "mommy" very early on". Why? Who allowed that? Their dads? IMO, that's a crossed boundary. As a step mother, I wouldn't and wont allow my SD to call me "mommy"...now THAT is not fair (to her mother), IMO. I reserve that for her actual mother (even though she's crazy as hell), I give her that honor, right and space, so as not to confuse SD or make her torn loyalties even more so...
Being a step parent is NOT easy, but had I shut down the opportunity of meeting my DH, who is the absolute love of my life, JUST because he has a daughter...I would have missed out on my biggest blessing...
I agree with shielded. You
I agree with shielded. You shouldn't feel like you HAVE to love your steps as much as your bios. In fact you don't HAVE to love them at all. Simply caring for them and providing them with a stable home is enough in my opinion. My step daughter has always called me by my first name and I wouldn't even expect nor would I WANT her to call me "Mommy" Maybe if he Mother was dead, but she isn't. She has a Mom (a crappy one, but a Mom at that) No sense confusing the child with calling 2 women Mom.
Your expectations are WAAAAY
Your expectations are WAAAAY too high. This is what causes failure as well as the inability for the bioparent to bestow adult supervisal status on his new partner, while at the same time giving his biochildren "adult spousal status." Big Mistake.
Disregard all the myths, fairy tales and popular thinking on the subject and go out and get the book "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin. Read thoroughly.