Struggling
I have been a step-mom for 5 years, but I don't remember it ever being as much of a struggle for me as it has been recently. I have two step-kids, a 12 year old boy, and a 9 year old girl.
In June, they came to spend the month with us. I can understand they missed their mom, but having them ask EVERY SINGLE DAY if they could call her really started to bother me. It started the very first day! They had just seen her three hours earlier and were already asking to call her. At first I said no, that they could call her the next day, but they were sad, so I let them call. Every night after that, they asked to call her. My husband said he wanted to keep the peace with his ex, so he was not going to tell them no.
I can understand them calling her a couple times a week, but not every day. This was our time with them. They call their dad twice a year...on his birthday, and on Father's Day. Yet they are with their mom most of the year, and when they come to visit, they can't go a day without talking to her.
Something else about this that bothered me was my step-daughter being such a drama queen. She would be laughing and playing and having a good time, but the second she got on the phone with her mom, she acted like she was miserable. She would talk very softly, and sometimes even cry, but as soon as she was done, she was all smiles and laughter again.
I tried to be loving and supportive, and I did a lot of fun things with them. However, I couldn't help feeling irritated and sad every time they asked to talk to their mom. I know part of it is because I don't have children of my own, and I can't have children, so it hurts that I don't know what it's like to have a child love and miss me like they do their mom. That is something I need to work through. But am I being unreasonable to think they shouldn't have to call their mom every day??? I don't think so.
We didn't see them throughout July because they had lots of plans, so today was the first time to get them again since they spent the month with us. We picked them up today and they are going back Monday. Just a few minutes ago, I heard the words I didn't want to hear the first night... "Can we call our mom?"
Once again... irritated. So that's why I got on here to look for a place for step-parents and that's why I am venting. Can anyone relate? I probably shouldn't have said this, but after they went to their room, I told my husband I don't like being a step-mom. I do love my step-kids, but it is really hard sometimes.
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Comments
Because they live with their
Because they live with their mom with what seems to be very limited contact with their father, I think it makes sense they wanted to call her.
They probably missed her and probably felt out of place in your home where nothing is familiar.
They spend two weekends a
They spend two weekends a month with us and extended visits during the holidays and summer. They are familiar with our home. As I said, I understand them missing her, but it is just irritating they can't go one day without talking to her. Thanks for your feedback though.
I understand it can get
I understand it can get frustrating. Try not to take it personally. Maybe pretend that you would want the same thing if you sent your bios away, too...??
Fortunately, when XH and I split, neither of us had a problem with the kids calling the other parent. Matter of fact, we always let the kids say goodnight to the other parent...every night.
Now, my kids all have cell phones and can talk to him whenever they want. Which is never. And he can call them whenever he wants. Which, again, is never.
I agree with sueu2 that this
I agree with sueu2 that this could be a form of PAS. If their behaviour changes from being happy and normal to crying and sad when talking to her, it probably is because they feel guilty for enjoying themselves with you, because their mother tells them she's sad and lonely without them. I could understand their dependency on BM more if they lived abroad or something and you only saw them once or twice a year, but you see them regularly so it's not like they're in an unfamiliar place with people they don't know very well. My ss's were the same when they were younger, and it was all down to BM using emotional blackmail on them. She even wrote them poems saying them how much she was crying and missing them when they were with us - pathetic!! BM's like these are far too emotionally dependent on their kids and want their kids to be emotionally dependent on them, which is very selfish and means the kids grow up with emotional and behavioural issues. BM is having a powerful negative influence on them and it's going to be difficult for you and your dh to tackle it. You obviously care about them and want to make them welcome when they stay, so I would just carry on doing what you normally do as a family when they're with you. How to wean the kids off this dependency on BM is a tricky one, as any attempt to limit phone calls will probably result in BM stepping up her campaign of PAS and the kids getting more distressed. I don't know whether it would be possible to monitor the phone calls? My dh always had BM call his mobile and put it on loudspeaker so he could hear what she was saying to them. Nearly every time, she said things that were inappropriate and upsetting for the kids, so he kept a log. We got custody of the kids with her getting regular contact, mainly due to her proven emotional abuse of them, and he told her if she didn't stop her inappropriate behaviour he would go back to court to stop her getting contact so she changed her behaviour eventually. Might be worth dropping things into conversation with them to try and find out more about what happens day to day at bm's house, without directly questioning them and making them feel uncomfortable. While dh and I don't normally bother about what happens at the other house, when we think there might be something inappropriate going on, we do try and find out more without making it too obvious or making the kids feel they're in trouble or anything.
That behaviour never stopped
That behaviour never stopped in our case. We allowed Sks to call BM, I always said they need to call during work hours. They started ny calling once a day (they were here eow and extended holiday/summer. They never called DH though he tried for the first year to call several times a week. His messages were never returned.
When SD got her cell phone at age 11-12 (she is now 20) they talked several times a day, then when txting came about they redress all the time. Anytime they were in trouble she was contacted. We lost complete respect and control.
She did the PAS thing- telling them how lonely she was. How much she missed them, how bad DH was.
SD20 barely contacts her dad. Ss15 will no longer come to our house, will only see his dad once a week at mil house.
Thanks everyone. It is good
Thanks everyone. It is good to get some other viewpoints. I wouldn't give them a schedule and tell them when they can and can't call. I think that would cause some resentment from them and conflict with their mom. I guess I just get annoyed that they feel the need to call her every day. Other than that issue, things are fine. They are really good kids and we get along well. I see some people on this site saying what brats their step-kids are and that they hate them. I do not feel that way at all. As I said in my first post, I guess the bigger issue is that I don't have kids of my own and I don't have that relationship that a mom and child have. Then I get sad and have a pity party and think I wish I wasn't a step-mom, etc... I have to remember, it's not about me. I know divorce is hard on kids and they want to make both parents happy.
By the way, I am new here and I don't know what PAS is, but I get the gist from what you said. I will have to look into that a little more.