General approach...
I know not all situations are the same, but what does everyone think is the best "general/overall" approach for dealing with a crazy BM? This is my first time on this site, and after reading through several posts, I see that I am definitely NOT alone. I have been dating my SO for about 5 years now and just recently got engaged. I am 34, divorced, and have no children of my own. He is 42 with a 12 year old and an 8 year old, both boys.
It seems that our situation is not nearly as bad as some, but it is still a source of stress in our relationship. The boys did genuinely seem to like me, until their crazy mother (literally) broke down my SO's front door and came running in screaming "Come out you cunt!" in front of the children while I was locked in the bathroom (lucky I made it to the bathroom since she is twice my size!) That was followed by more screaming and "say goodbye to your father because you will never see him again!" Of course he does see them, that was 4 years ago and we have been slowly and steadily working on things ever since. Once they are away from their BM for a day or so, the do seem to relax and actually enjoy my company. But she will always rear her ugly head and do something to make them feel badly, send them texts asking about what we are doing, she always grilles them as soon as they get back home, tells them I am the reason they don't have a family...
So as my SO and I plan to marry, and we do plan to have our own bio child together, what is the best constructive advice one could give to a newcomer to the site?
Run!!! LOL not sure, Does
Run!!! LOL not sure, Does your Future husband support you? Defend you and stand up to his ex? What are the rules concerning his kids(discipline)? and rules in your home? I would make sure you were on the same page on these topics and if not I would not get married and certainly would not plan a child until you were sure. It is always easier to leave a situation without having kids.
Whateva
He does and he doesn't...
He does and he doesn't... It's something we often talk about and he knows he needs to work on it and honestly has over the last year or so. He does back me up when the kids won't listen to me (although he does have a problem disciplining the 8 year old because he is so darned cute). That aspect has gotten much better over the past 6 months or so. It's always a work in progress, but they are starting to listen to me more and more. I have a very active role in setting the rules in the house (which the BM hates). I make the kids do one small chore a week (either vacuuming or mopping), and always make them pick up their dirty clothes and put them in the hamper. And by her reactions, you would think I was engaging in child labor!
We have both come to the conclusion that it isn't worth it to stand up to the ex, so neither of us do too much. I don't interact with her at all, my SO does all that. I just get so frustrated when I see her taking things out on the poor kids. They really are good kids, but we can see their struggle with their BM, and, honestly, they are afraid of her. She does tell everyone she comes into contact with what a crazy, selfish bitch she thinks I am, but that doesn't bother me too much anymore.
Since they separated, she hasn't been able to hold down a long term relationship (my SO has only had two since their separation including me). She parades men in and out of their lives every couple of months. We do notice that every time she gets "dumped" she flares up.