You are not evil! She shouldn't be calling like that. Don't pay for a cell phone because you won't have control how much he uses it, etc. when he's with BM. Have her get it for him. Your DH needs to get tougher about the calls he takes from her too...

I just went through all this crap with the BM and her phoning for an almost 16 year old kid. My FH got his kid a cell 2 years ago so he talks to her all the time - it would probably only be an extra $10/$15 and even though BM should pay for it (SD's BM gets plenty of money too) it is not worth the hassle. My FH and I are actually in couples counseling right now because the BM was calling 20, 30, 40 times a mth and even though he didn't pick up 75% of them he would still have to occasionally call her back - oh yeah and I busted him paying for BM's cell as well - which has since been disconnected - so if she is just calling when the kid is there count your lucky stars she isn't calling your husband 40 times! I feel the same I feel my FH defends his ex and then we fight - which again is why we are in counseling. The counselor straight up told him that BM is a master manipuator and he has to cut all ties with her unless it is for the utmost urgency or emergency for SD. They broke up when she was preganant and 16 years she is still making his life hell - please don't let this happen to you! Take care and pm me if you want to go in to more detail. How old are Skids? I wish you the best! :

1. Never under-estimate Evil and Crazy. I have a close relationship with both, and can thoroughly recommend the magic place in between hugely stressed out and mental breakdown, when all of a sudden everything becomes hysterically funny without the need for alcohol. My life will be perfect when I can achieve and stay in that place permanently. I'm so close, I can hear the cackling of the other evil witches who got there first and are pouring the drinks.

2. Buy the kid a phone. Its a small price to pay to get BM off your back. Plus you will would be justified in having some say in how its used.

3. Start playing the game (sorry, but thats what it is) with your head, not your heart. Vent here, not to DH. DH will never see BM for what she is as long as you are jumping up and down and constantly hitting DH with a list of 'she shoulds' and 'it's not rights'. Don't get me wrong, you are justified in feeling the way you do. What we are talking about is HOW DO WE GET DH TO SEE YOUR SIDE?!?

4. Welcome to ST

I miss my kids when they are not with me, so I can understand the goodnight phone call. When my son goes away to visit his grandparents for a week, for example, I call him or he calls me at the end of every day. I cannot imagine a day in which I do not speak to my children, if not actually see them. They are 10 and 5, so they are still young enough that they miss me and I definitely miss them. For that reason, I have never had a problem with BM calling to talk to the skids when they are with us or with them calling her. In fact, I'm usually the one that says, "Hey, skids, lets email your mom the pics we took of you guys today!" Or, "Guys, lets call your mom and tell her goodnight, because it'll be bedtime in half an hour." It's just not a big deal to me. As long as we are not eating a meal, opening presents or doing something important that we wouldn't interrupt for ANYONE, I don't have a problem with the calls.

For years the only conversations my DH had with BM were strictly limited to the skids and they were the most hateful, most hostile, most evil exchanges between two people I have ever witnessed. Those two gave me a constant case of diarrhea for four solid years. I'm happy to say that they have both grown up, lightened up and moved on. My DH recently had the most pleasant phone call with BM that they've probably ever had, including when they were married. She wished him a Happy Father's Day, he told her he hoped she had a nice birthday, he thanked her for letting the skids call him and she let him know how much the skids love and miss him. I was so happy that I got tears in my eyes! When you've spent so many years of your life enmeshed in a never-ending battle that does nothing but create distance between the man you love and the children BM is keeping from him, it's nice to finally be able to let that go and be human to each other for a change.

I think there are boundaries that have to be set for everyone's sanity. No calls after a certain time at night or before a certain time in the morning. No calls on anniversaries, holidays, birthdays, special occasions, etc., unless it's an emergency. Calls between DH and BM should be primarily kid-oriented. I don't mind exchanging pleasantries... that's just common courtesy and civility. I actually prefer that BM call my DH's cell phone, because she used to clog up our home phone answering machine with the most hateful, vitriolic voicemails you'd ever want to hear and I never wanted to have my kids exposed to that, but if you prefer the home phone, that could be a boundary you establish. Create boundaries that prevent a harassment situation, but don't try to abolish them altoghether. That won't get you good results.

Now, her being one of his five favorites on his cell? That "favorites" crap is the cell provider's brainchild, not his. She's not his "favorite" anything. I have BM's home, work and cell numbers on my speed dial, on the home phone as well as both my and DH's cell phones. Not because she's his or my "favorite" person to call, or even because we call her that often, but because it's necessary. You just never know when a problem or emergency might arise and that's not the time to be digging around for a phone number.

BM and DH are going to communicate and if they can do that pleasantly, that's actually a good thing. BMs will want to talk to their kids when the kids are with their dads, too. And again, if that can be done pleasantly, that's also a good thing. There are so many battles we face as stepparents. You have to choose them wisely and only engage in the really important ones. Phone calls between BM and the skids during their visits has never been something I'd want to risk my marriage fighting over. It may be a bigger issue for you than it's been for me, so you have to talk to your DH and come to some sort of compromise on this. The more you can let go, the happier you will both ultimately be. Things that do not have a direct impact on you are good things to let go.

Just my opinion, looking back seven years later at a shitstorm that turned into a bright, sunny day.

♥ ANNE 8102 ♥

"Stay thirsty, my friends."
~The Most Interesting Man in the World

If you and H only get the kids everyother weekend she should not be calling at all to talk to them. That is your time with them. She has them all the rest of the time. Now I could understand if you had them week at a time and her calling maybe twice but everynight on your every other weekend is unacceptable. I think we all have the phone call dreads at some time or another on this site.

what they're getting into when we step into this step-parent role. So, if anyone says "You knew what you were getting into" I think you -should- go ahead and scream! You have taken on the responsibility of being a parental figure to kids but have no control over the situation, you are married to a man who by habit and by law answers to another woman, and you know how you would be raising kids but can't implement, it's knowing how something should be done but instead of being able to do it you have to sit and watch someone else screw it up. There's NOTHING evil and crazy about being frustrated by that!!

statement! What kind of statement is to say to someone who obviously is struggling. I mean, it would be like someone saying to a lung cancer patient...."you knew what you were getting into lighting up". Please. Or how about having a kid that has some disability....."you knew what you were getting into by getting pregnant"...give me a break! Some people said that to me when I was a new SM, and I found a way to stay normal through it all. I would simply look at them and say "Really, you are right, I absolutley set myself up for that one. I mean I DID know what kind of idiot BM was and I chose this life for myself anyway." Or I would say something equally as sarcasstic. Just look at them and laugh.
Mean people suck.
Welcome to ST by the way.
I do agree w/Anne about the calls. I don't think it's a bad thing, unless she is being over bearring. If so, do set some boundaries. I would'nt have a problem w/Dh having her on the phone either UNLESS they were having long winded conversations about nothing....then I'd be pissed. I wish I had some great wors of encouragement, but I too learned that you have to pick your battles w/BM. Eventually, she WILL give you something more irritating to be mad at! You are not evil and crazy either. They are!!! We SM's are all normal, it's the rest of the world that is crazy...hahaha

how about getting a kid line? It will probably be cheaper than a cell phone. We had the same situation, BM called every night, and
during the weekends would call more than that.
It was annoying to hear her messages... I miss you soooo much and doing her fake kisses on the phone. So then we just put in kid line.
That made it easier to avoid hearing her. ..but then if she didn't hear from them immediately she would call our phone and blame my BD's for not letting SD use the phone. Not realizing maybe that SD wasn't home. BM finally stopped doing that.
Now when my girls go see their dad, I give them my cell or my DH's cell phone. I can see wanting to at least know they are ok.
but I do see the annoying factor of having to listen to BM.
It helped us.