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barrywhite's picture

Submitted by barrywhite on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 2:40pm

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Blended Family Issues

I married my OH nearly 2 years ago, she had 2 kids from a prev relationship, now 6 & 3.

Things were not too bad apart from their behaviour, the older one never shuts up and is very hyper, now the younger one is turning out the same :(, if not worse as he is always crying!

My wife and her family tell me I do not do enough with them, but I can't because they are so badly behaved, if I take them shopping they will run off in separate directions and pick things from the shelves, if I try to get them to behave, the younger one throws himself to the floor, while the older one then thinks it's a game an runs off again, the same happens wherever I take them, if I leave them to my wf (which may be wrong/right) she moans that I do not do anything with them, and leave it to her.

When they get toys they smash them up instantly, and none of my wf friends like her kids around as the wreck havoc on their house, and the younger one gets violent with other kids.

We now have a bio daugh who I love dearly, but feel that so much is being taken away from her as I am constantly reminded that there are 3 kids not 1, I buy her a new toy and the others seize upon it with their wreck everything approach, I work away and when I get back I want to hold her, but if I do I will be accused of not being bothered about the others, I want to make a big fuss at Christmas, but am worried that again I will be accused of favouritism.

Is it me? I am wrong for not loving the skids?

This is just one big strain on our marriage Sad

Lauren1438's picture

Submitted by Lauren1438 on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 3:07pm

your not wrong. You are in a hard spot a kind of damned if you do and damned if you don't. Do you have permission to discipline the boys? Or does your wife step in? one thing is for sure things wont change till they are taught a lesson about how to behave.

Try taking toys away when they are destructive. Put them in a place they cant get them, and video games should be a privilege (that is if they have them, I am personally 100% against them) but use say 30 minutes of a video game time as a reward when they are GOOD in a store.

Also you might try to do a family game night on days that you are home, it gets the boys involved and your DD can be on your "team" so you can hold her and give her affection.

ms.blessed.n.distressed's picture

Submitted by ms.blessed.n.di... on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 4:00pm

Honestly they are NOT YOUR KIDS. You should treat all of them fairly but it is not fair for your wife to think you should love, raise, be around, take care of, ect HER kids as if they were your own. You are always going.to love, be more attached and want to spend more time with your BD than your SKids. That is completely normal. Your wife needs to realise that you do not have to do anything for her kids. You did not marry her to become her kids father. It seems that that's part of why she married you and that's not how it works. You didn't marry her just for her to cook, clean, take care of you. You need to sit her down and go over what her expectations are of you as a stepdad and you need to tell her what you are willing to do and not do. Bottomline tho is that it is not your responsibility and anything you do is only bc you love her and no matter what anything you do should be appreciated bc like I said you don't have to do anything for SKids. They have a father and a mother.

the_stepmonster's picture

Submitted by the_stepmonster on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 4:10pm

Is their father in the picture? If so, your wife needs to realize that her children have a father and it's not your job to take his place. Your job is to support your wife, not to be the stand-in dad. It's not fair that your BD NOT get your full attention and support. My DH tries to give me that crap about not doing enough with his kids but really they are not my responsibility and it's not my job to cater to them.