Extremely frustrated! I feel as though I am living in a nightmare.
I will try not to make this too winded. I am the biomom to 3, in which i share custody of with their father. We get along great, he is truely one of my best friends. I get along very well with his wife too. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 yrs and we are getting married in 6 weeks. 2 weeks ago, we get papers where my boyfriends ex wife has filed for full custody. ( not shocked, we figured she would pull something because she has been miserable for some time now. She is searching hi and low for mr. Right ) I really can't say that i have ever had any real issues with my stepkids until just within the last year. It was then that my fiance' and i noticed a huge change in his oldest sons behavior. However, my stepkids bio mom has hated me from day 1. This is a list of her rules for me:
1. I am not permitted to go to any of the boys parent/teacher conferences
2. I am not allowed to go to school events ( field trips- even when she is not going, grade school graduations)
3. I can not pick the boys up for my husband
4. I am not permitted to have the boys in my care when their father is not home
5. I am not allowed to go to doctor appointments or any other kind of appontment for that matter
6. I am not allowed to speak to her about the bills that she is responsible for, yet, not paying
Now mind you, she dumps the boys off to stay with someone 3-4 of the nights during the week that she has them, so that she can go party. This past year, she has started calling my house on a nightly basis and questions the kids as to what we did, what they ate, what they wore, etc. She has started sending the kids over with sleep aids ( teddy bears and blankies- the kids are 9, 12 )and she bought the oldest a cell phone so that she can text him non stop. The kids have said that their mother talks badly about me to them and that they are not allowed to like me. She hasn't paid one red cent in 3 years- no school fees, doctor bills, school supplies, extra curicular activities, etc ( she is court ordered to do so ) but she can go out and buy them anything they ask for. She doesn't take them to doctor visits or to see the dentist and when an appointment is made, she calls to reschedule or just never shows up.She is a chronic liar and minipulator. The boys don't have to do study when they are with her and they do not have to do any chores. They also get to eat what they want and she tells them that if i cook something that they do not like, they don't have to eat it. She has had 4 boyfriends in the past year, all in which the kids had met. The oldest boy got agressive with me one day and threw his book bag in my face. She thought it was hilarious. This is the list of things she says i can do:
1. When the school calls b/c one of the kids are sick and she is too busy to go, i can get them.
2. When one of them have ball practice, i can take them
3. When they have homework, i can do it with them, however i can not sign my name to their assignment books
4. when one of them are sick and she has to work, I can take care of them.( i have to call off work )
5. I can buy things they need for school projects and help with them, but she will turn them in
6. I can pay for baseball and soccer sign ups, but i am not allowed to take team snacks on their deignated day
7. I can pay for school pictures but i found a letter in my step sons book bag, where she asked the teacher to see to it that she got them for her, as they are with their father that week.
My fiance' has tried reasoning with her and talked to the boys about their mom brainwashing them, but for some reason she has a hold on the oldest child. He will not talk to me the entire week he is here. He looks at me as if i am a stranger. He hears me tell him to do something but blantantly ignores my request. He is failing classes but when he is grounded to the yard for bad report cards, his mom calls my fiance and gives him a verbal lashing. The bio mom tells everyone that my fiance has changed since being with me, but he is still the same person, he just doesn't allow her to control his every move. She has gone so far as to tell the kids that they are not taking part in our wedding ( clearly, she has no clue of their part ) and she even called my future mother in law and made up lies in order to cause problems. We are told by my stepson that he wants to stay with his mom because she doesn't make him study, do chores and she does not ground him. My step son is on medication for acne and he is not made to use it at her house. Upon returning to our home, his face is a mess! He doesn't have a bedtime when he is with her and she allows him to read everything she writes about me on her social networking site. He gets on her computer and finds things innapropriate and tells his father about it. She takes him out to eat almost daily and although he is on anger/ headache medication, she refuses to let him take it because in her words "he does not need it", "his only problem is" me! This kid is running my house and my kids have gotten to the point that they can't stand him because of his rude bahavior. I am not worried in the least about her accuasations in the court case, as she can be proved totally wrong and it is indeed a frivilous suit. What i am worried about more than anything is that she has gotten this boy so brainwashed that he will never be the same. The relationship between he and his father is very strained and he is kind of stuck in the middle of his kid and me. What is one to do? And when will this end? I just want her to stop! I want to live a normal life, without al the stress this woman causes. I can't imagine putting anyone through the things she has put me through. There is just far too much that she has done to even mention. Believe me when i say it, this woman is narcissistic in every sense of the word.
First things first: Stop
First things first:
Stop letting her dictate what you can and cannot do. She has no right to stop you from going to parent teacher conferences, ball practice, team sports, or doctor's visits if your husband is there with you. If the court order says that the father has them at a certain time, but makes no stipulation about who can pick the child up or watch the child, then your FDH can designate anyone, including you, to do those things. I would read over your court order again in regards to this.
Nor can she tell you what you can or cannot say to her in regards to paying the bills. However, for this one, time and wisdom has taught that it is better to let your FDH handle this aspect.
And lastly, about the things you "can" do--you are not her gopher or her slave, so stop being one. Stop helping with HW and stop helping with projects. If the kids ask, say " Your mom is not allowing me to do so. Please ask your dad or your mom."
Sorry you are going through this, but remember, it is your home and your family too, and you need to stand up for yourself or you're going to feel resentful for a long, long time. Your relationship may not survive it. Likewise, your FDH will need to put his foot down and let her know she has no say over what goes on in your household.
THINGS YOU CAN'T DO (per your
THINGS YOU CAN'T DO (per your list)
3. I can not pick the boys up for my husband
4. I am not permitted to have the boys in my care when their father is not home
THINGS YOU CAN DO (per your list:
1. When the school calls b/c one of the kids are sick and she is too busy to go, i can get them.
2. When one of them have ball practice, i can take them
4. when one of them are sick and she has to work, I can take care of them.( i have to call off work )
Obviously these contradict each other, but understandbly so because the things she says you CAN DO purely benefit BM.
As for your oldest SS, of course he wants to live with her.... no rules, no responsibilities, no accountability. It may not be a great arrangement, but if he goes there he needs to be told he can't come back.
The BM contadicts everything
The BM contadicts everything she says, whenever it is convenient for her. She actually left the boys in the care of my fiance' and moved in with another guy. For 2 yrs, he tried to get a dissolution but she would not sign the papers. So just prior to meeting me,he finally filed for a divorce. It was final 2 1/2 yrs ago, so i was there when shared parenting was ordered by the courts. ( she wanted full custody ) She actually had it written in the decree that when the father is at work, she has the right to keep the boys. (only because her hatred for me far outweighs the love she has for kids ) She only excercises those rights when it is convenient for her.
And as for the school meetings, she actually makes a scene, stating that she doesn't want me in their, i am not their mom. I am not trying to do drag the school into her games. We have tried to make seperate conferences but the school always declines because in their words, "timing and amount of students don't permit it".
About the school thing, let
About the school thing, let her bitch up a storm. The only one who will look foolish is her. The perfect response to that: Say it while you have an innocent look on your face "I just want what's best for xyz, and I think all of us should be on top of their education in order to give them the best."
Show everyone the nutjob she really is, and let's see if she'll try that again.
>>>>>>You are not a parent
>>>>>>You are not a parent and that is causing a problem that doesn't have to exist. And you are not even yet the wife, so that does make it even a bit more presumptious on your part to expect to be treated as if you are a parent.<<<<<<
Hmmmmm. So, if they would have rushed into a relationship and gotten married 48 hours after meeting each other, that piece of paper would have made all the difference in the world because she would LEGALLY be a WIFE?
In this day and age, people do not HAVE to be married in order to have a committed relationship to each other, and each other's children. I think you are splitting hairs and coming off rather rudely when you call her "presumptuous" because she's not a WIFE.
IMHO, saying a piece of paper gives me more say-so in a step-family is like saying painting stripes on a horse makes it a zebra.
No, SOCIETY expects a SM to
No, SOCIETY expects a SM to be a "mom figure".... how many people on here get berated for not being a "mom figure"? Oh wait, until it doesn't suit another party then it gets thrown in the SM's face that they AREN'T THE MOM. Whatever.
You have your opinion, I have mine. But if the biofather is OK with having stepmom involved, and as in this case the BM only wants the stepmom involved when it benefits her or uses it as a tool to be controlling, then I think that's between the adults. But to get snarky with the OP because she's not LEGALLY A "WIFE"? Sheesh, she's six weeks away from that entitlement, give her a break. She's been with her SO longer than many people stay LEGALLY MARRIED.
Oh my I am going through the
Oh my I am going through the same thing, all though I do not have any kids of my own and my future skids are younger I understand completely! Please feel free to message me if you need to vent. I havent written on here yet because my skids biomom is pyshco and stalks my life
WOW - when I read this I
WOW - when I read this I thought I wrote it. I cannot believe how much of this sounds exactly like what I'm going through…even the kids ages are the same! Minus the lists, although I am SURE the BM would love to try and implement things like that-we don't let her. You can read my post under "the ex harassing my teenager" to get an idea of what I deal with. Our BM just recently got her 12 year old the newest and latest greatest phone as well - even though he had a phone under us already. A basic, make calls, sends texts phone but it served its purpose. His father texted him when she decided she wasn't giving them back when it was his custodial time to let him know that he was going through the proper channels to get him and she didn't like that. So she went and got him a phone. We explained to him that he is 12 and they previously agreed he did not need a smart phone. This was her attempt of "buying off" her kids as she normally does. She went off when we told her he wasn't permitted to use it at our house and to keep it over there. She said she'll continue to send it and we made it clear its not our responsibility if she does. She has expressed that she doesn't want me at the soccer games - I go. She hates when they are home with me when he works every other Saturday - too bad. The best part is, they both play soccer and I used to as well so we actually have a bond over that and she is the most un-athletic person you could find. I sympathize with you whole-heartedly but you cannot allow her to control anything in your home during the custodial time your fiance has. You two have to stand firm together too. It can't just be her v. you. It has to be her v. both of you, your fiance has to stick up to her and tell her that she has no right to make any demands about where you go and what you do. A united front is much more effective! I have learned, stand your ground, dont let her think she has any power in your home. I wish you the best…and hope things get better.
I am a SM and a bio mom.
I am a SM and a bio mom. First right of refusal is something I have fought for but only because the kids have asked me why do we have to go to so and so's house when you are home? For instance my daughters 16 birthday fell on my ex's day. He was out of town with his GF. At the time I had no idea of my rights so I didn't know I could go get my daughter from their friends house. What a nightmare. Not getting to be with my kid on her 16th birthday. I of course would not ever fight for first right of refusal for simple things but when he leaves town etc I do just simply because why should the kids be at friends house or sleepovers if I am home and available to take care of the kids.
I will say that I have come to the conclusion that how my ex and his GF choose to parent my kids isn's something I can control or want to control. I will only take action if their is abuse going on. I will raise my son how I see fit when I have him. Our daughter is now graduated and can make her own choices. Thank goodness for that!
I can't believe you have been given a list of what you can and can't do. This is clearly a control issue and if your SO is letting her have this much control there clearly is a BIGGER issue going on.
I am going thru much drama with my SO and his skids and it is pretty clear that if you aren't on the same page alot of bad crap can go down. And in my life it is. Luckily I see both sides since I am both a SM and a BM. I can relate on both levels of confusion.
Next time she is sick and needs you to run their child someplace simply tell her oh I'm sorry I can't call in to work for YOU. Figure it out. Seriously! She is running your life where this situation is concerned. Get some control back. Stand up for yourself because what I have learned is if you don't nobody else is going to.
She threw his bookbag in your face eh? I once had my son's lunchbox thrown at my car after I dropped him off along with the screaming of, "thats MY JOB" and yep from the SM. I laughed and just decided well ok. So on their days its her job, on my days its mine. And I have spoken to my son regarding these things. He understands it's much easier to just go with the flow then keep fighting over who is making his lunch that day.
I would for surely cut off the money train. If you aren't good enough for everyday things in life then neither is your wallet. I wish you luck.
How can I get BM to insist on
How can I get BM to insist on those rules for me?
So about 2 years back, BM was picking the kids up from afterschool care on DHs days, and it pissed me off. Then last year - she stopped, now I am stuck running around with my head cut off picking up their kids for them 3-4 days a week.
I am stuck watching 4 kids (2 bios and 2 steps) alone 3-4 hours a day. I have ZERO alone time with my own kids anymore.
DH was strongly suggesting I sign SS6 up for basketball or something like that after school - I said hell no - BM can do that - they have a 50-50 split. DH can also do that - I have enough to worry about without running his kids to all their events - they have 2 parents that can do that if they choose to do so and make time for their kids. THEIR kids.
How I became everyones driver, maid, cook and tutor is beyond me. I would kill to have BM picking up her kids and keeping them until DH comes home from work now.
Careful what you wish for...
That is just it...she doesn't
That is just it...she doesn't pick them up. She had it written in the decree as a power trip. She doesn't actually do it. And the one time she did do it, she only took one and didn't even tell anyone she was doing it. She snatched him up at a pratice he was at. The authorities were alerted over a missing child!
I don't tolerate her dictating my every move. She thinks she has rules for me, but little does she know, they aren't followed. okay, i do not go to the parent/ teacher conferences. Not because she said no, but It's honestly because I don't want to hear her declaring herself mother of the year among the teachers that she honestly don't even know. ( She lives 45 min away and don't know anything about his school)
I stayed home from work to help him out because he does have a medical condition that can be of concern if proper care is not administered. Luckily for him, i was there when the child ASKED FOR ME, but i have backed off because of the ill way i am treated now.
As for dishing out money, she doesn't pay a bill and guess whose credit is messed up? We have received several notices that care would be cancelled if a bill was not paid. In order to get the treatment that my stepson needs, my fiance and I have no choice but to pay. Oh, and to show just how low class she is, she had a medical bill put into her sons name and they were sending collection notices to my house!!
Every single sign of narcissistic psychosis and parental alienation syndrome is consistent with how she acts. I am just hoping that this custody hearing coming up will reflect her evil tendancies before it is too late for my step son.