Explaining/coping with custody schedule
My husband and I have a DS (6) together and I have a SD (11). Splitting time between households has always been "normal" for SD as she was an infant when her parents split. Despite growing up with splitting time, DS has always struggled with seeing her come and go from the house. The agreement we have has our SD with us only every-other weekend and sometimes additional days on school breaks, long weekends, etc. This has been the agreement since my DS can remember but he still gets very emotional each time we drop SD at her BMs.
As he gets older it only seems to bother him more. I thought he'd get used to it and it would stop feeling so jarring each week, but quite the opposite. We've tried explaining the situation to him to the best of our ability, and when he repeatedly asks, "Why?" we say because we all love her and we need to share time.
When SD isn't with us he constantly talks about how he misses her and wishes she was home. We sympathize with him, let him know we miss her to, and it's OK to have those feelings but this is how it is. When we take her to her other house, he gets weepy, and sometimes acts out. He also values his time with her so strongly that it causes behavioral issues when she doesn't want to spend every waking second with him.
Both kids get a weird blend of "only child" time and sibling time that makes these weekend transitions feel tense on occasion. SD does a great job (for an 11 y/o) of being sensitive to his feelings but she's got to do her own thing sometimes, too. There is also a jealously element when DS wants to have everything she has, which I know can be normal for siblings, but leads to uncomfortable conversations about why she has certain things at her other house and not at ours. DS will lash out when upset and say things like "I want to go live with them" or "I wish you weren't here."
Getting into more nitty gritty of the custody agreement is not appropriate at his age, but I'm curious is anyone else had these concern and how did you address it?
That's a decent age gap to
That's a decent age gap to work with so I would point out age to him and you get more and better stuff as you get older. It's not just a blended family issue, he needs to understand that his friends live different and have different stuff too. If they lived together 24/7, you'd have to define boundaries for them , you still have to do it as it is.
He also has a sister, older, and she will want more privacy as she gets older and he will need to respect that. Does he have friends in the neighborhood? He needs to taught to be grateful for what he has instead of focusing on what SD has. ( point out age/gender differences)
Im a factual kind of parent, so stick with the facts in an age appropriate way. Your situation is common and although it's tough at times it's not horrible. Although if you wait to do cool things only when SD is around, that might set him up to long for her to come over. Help him find his own fun activities during the times SD is not around. Life should go on as normal as SD comes and goes.
We had an ours baby and she watched them all grow, age out and move out. She's an aunt now. She is now a teenager and has her own relationships with her older siblings ( 25-33). I get the longing that you talk about with your son. Acknowledgment of his feelings is good. Finding a way to deal with is good too.
Since he is six , maybe a note book journal where he could write or draw his feelings could help him. Maybe a traveling notebook between him and SD that lives under their pillows would help with their connection. Whatever you do, keep him grounded in facts and reality. She will get more distant naturally as she grows up.
Do you have a wall calendar?
Do you have a wall calendar? Kids are very visual, so a wall calendar that highlights days that SD visits and goes back to BM could be a really helpful tool for him.
I get it. My DD is almost 3 and my SS is almost 13. We are on a long distance schedule and only see SS 6 weeks per year. DD is always devastated when SS leaves and SS seems genuinely sad when he leaves. For a week or two at a time, they are not only children, and then for the rest of the time, they are. Losing that sibling and playmate is always hard on both of them. It takes time for them to both adapt back to normal routine.
We really hype DD up for SS visits and we use visuals to help her understand that he will visit and then go home again. SS also got DD a stuffed animal to "remind her of him" when he's away. It helps give her something physical to focus on when she misses him.
DS has to understand
as everyone else does at one time. Life doesn't revolve around them. This is the way thing are and we must make it work. We have a calendar, we know SD will be. Here X day. So we can plan something for her. Popcorn party,, ice cream party. Doing something fun. And some not so fun things Dr's appointments