Gift giving at 2 houses
I just need to vent.
One of my BIGGEST step-kid pet peeves is when they say "at my mom/dad's house..." during gift giving, especially. E.g. "I have this in another color at my mom's house." Or "I got something better at my mom's house."
Christmas and birthdays always come with verbal comparisons of gifts between houses which drives me batty. If SD (11) gets a gift she really loves she'll ask to take it to her BM's, which is fine, but comes with an undertone of this-is-cool-and-should-live-at-my-better-house. She thinks everything that has anything to do with her BM/SD is better as if we are second class citizens. If the same gift is given at both houses, theirs is always better for whatever reason.
Another things that gets under my skin is hearing about every gift BM/SD got, what they like to eat, what they like to do. I don't care one single bit, but if we don't fein invested interest she tells us we're being rude. Even her BM has said to her "they don't want to hear about my haircut," etc. I get they're important to her and we care about them in that aspect, but I don't want to hear about every phone case her mom has ever bought.
I am usually pretty good about it but sometimes I just can't fake that I care. Then the guilt cycle starts and I feel like a crappy parent.
Christmas is hard enough as it is, and trying to please an impossible to please child makes it even worse. DH never has any input on gift giving and won't step in to help instill a sense of appreciation because he doesn't want it to come off as telling her she can't talk about her life. Which I get but it's a fine line. Things I need to just deal with but it's soooo irritating and gets to me over time.
Could be worse
I get how irritating this is, I went thru some of that, too. But, just think, what if you had the sick situation like we read about on here, where the BM is telling the kids not to talk about what goes on at her house, many times because it's bad. Sometimes it is so bad, the father would have cause to gain full custody.
About all you can do is say, ' That's nice" and zone out.
BMS always prevail
I have a SD (16) that has chosen to move with her BM since she was 12-- we lived together for 4 yrs prior and I was always second rate. I guess I cope with it by telling myself whether I'd want my sons to mention me and how great I am to their step mom or their dads girlfriends -- I guess I'd just want them to be polite to her and prob not mention me but focus on their Das when their with their Dad. Maybe it is different with girls? My SD thinks her BM walks on water compared to me and I know her BM and she's no water walker LOL. I think they may need to overplay it because of insecurity or maybe her BM does not really compare to you and she knows it so tries to overcompensate?
I feel for you....
ElizabethAnne, I can only imagine how hard this would be! I would guess that you are NOT a crappy parent because you care about how you act and you care about your SD. I became a stepmom to adult children in their thirties, my children are also young adults in their twenties. I ask myself if I really am a stepmom? I conclude that, no, I am not. I never parented these children and we have no bond whatsoever. My DH's children are entitled; in fact, his family is entitled. He is the anomoly of the bunch. I have wondered, at times, if we had married when his children were younger if my influence would have made a difference? Would they have seen the world a different way? Would they have learned gratitude and appreciation for what they have? Would they have learned true independence? I like to think so! I also wonder about my children; would they have grown up entitled from their influence? It is scary to think so. (I also wonder if our marriage would have survived if I had to deal with his kids on the daily? BM was out of the picture for the most part; she ran away in disgrace.) Here is where you have a great opportunity! It is possible that you can make a difference in your SD's life! I like to think that she is absorbing some of your kindness and goodness. She is old enough to hear/absorb nuggets about gratitude, etc. She is old enough to have her independence encouraged. She is old enough to influence, if she brings up a certain topic. For example, if she states that xyz happened to one of her friends at school you can ask: How would you feel if that happened to you? What would your reaction be? What could you have done differently for a better outcome? Teach her to think beyond her own bubble. I realize she is only 11, but your gentle, caring influence can make a difference!
This has to be such a challenge, I wish you the best as you move forward!
More thoughts....
I have experienced the 'grown-up' version of what you are experiencing right now. YSD, the nice one, speaks of her mother often. I do not understand why a woman in her 30's does not know better. I had been biting my tongue for months, and after a dinner out I finally said something. We were celebrating DH's birthday and she brought up her mother numerous times and discussed her with MIL. (And why was MIL participating? From what I understand, she does not like the ex! So strange!) I could not believe it. It flew right over DH's head. The only one who I think understood that it was inappropriate was YSD's SO who kept looking at me. I could 'feel' his eyes on me and when I looked, they certainly were. I brought it up to DH and he said something to YSD. She responded by saying the she and her SO talked about his ex so it was okay. What?! That is entirely different! They are in a relationship, it would make sense that they would discuss his ex-wife and mother of his children. Just the same as DH and I have discussed our ex-spouses. Her inability to see this from another's view reflects her lack of EQ. Even after DH speaking to her, she continues to do it. I had asked her a question about DH and I, and she responded by bringing up her mother! Just no.... Also, I always wondered how it would be received if I started asking her SO about his ex? Probably not well... It is something that one does not do!
As I mentioned previously, you have the opportunity to make a difference. I hope that helps your situation in a small way. Blessings to you!
Ideal teaching/learning moments IMHO.
When they pull this shit tell them to get in the car, load up all of the gifts they have turned their noses up at and go drop those gifts at the Salvation Army donation station, get the tax deduction receipt and sit the rude SKid down to see how that receipt is used on taxes.
Lather.... rince..... repeat.
Congratulate them on the superior home, gifts, life they have at the other home. Though I would not allow anything from my home to go to that home with SKids like this.
We did not have this kind of crap to deal with. SS had a long distance visitation schedule. Our problem was that his nice things would not make it home and would later show up in SpermClan family photos. This even happened with SS was in his teens and his clothes would show up on the SpermIdiot.
We did not allow video games in our home after SS was about 10. SS could not function if he was gaming so we ended that crap until he launched. The SpermClan would gift SS the latest personal gaming system telling him we could not prevent them from coming to our home. They were right. As soon as SS arrived home the GameBoy, GamBoy Color, or whatever was next went into a safe and stayed their until SS left for his next visitation.
I suppose that we had it easy at least for SS's younger years. The SpermClan did not celebrate Christmas. It was counter to the beliefs of their fringe cult. Though when SS's three younger also out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas started showing up SpermGrandHag started violating Cult doctrin and celebrating Christmas.
We did not tolerate any crap from them and our son was raised with standards of behaviro and standards of performance. He knew the rules, boundaries, etc... He is a man of honor, character, and standing in his life, his profession, and his community. Unlike his SpermIdiot, and the three younger half sibs. Spawn #2 is on the dole, #3 is in prison, and #4 is not far behind the inmate.
Our son (My SS who asked me to adopt him when he was 22yo) did not put us through much if any of the play both sides against the middle crap. We would not have tolerated it if he had.
She is definitely at an age
She is definitely at an age where she needs to learn a bit of politeness. I mean, I get little kids prattling on about mommy.. or what they have there.. because for them.. they are very egocentric.. and they don't have to understanding of appropriateness.
Dad needs to start in on this subject with her.
"Dau, when you compare what you are gifted to something you already have, it makes you appear ungrateful and it makes other people less interested in giving you anything at all"
alternately.. if she HAS been reminded of this many times.. I might just go over and pick up the whatever.. and say.. "oh no... sorry it's not as nice, I will just go get our money back."
She also needs to learn that constantly talking about her mom is disrespectful to her father and you.
dad, should ideally be doing this.
I am a master of being a smart alek.. and would be dropping little comments that would make her realize..
"oh.. mommy got new perfume.. why was she stinking"?
Oh,... mommy is going on vacation? to the zoo to visit relatives?