Explaining/coping with custody schedule
My husband and I have a DS (6) together and I have a SD (11). Splitting time between households has always been "normal" for SD as she was an infant when her parents split. Despite growing up with splitting time, DS has always struggled with seeing her come and go from the house. The agreement we have has our SD with us only every-other weekend and sometimes additional days on school breaks, long weekends, etc. This has been the agreement since my DS can remember but he still gets very emotional each time we drop SD at her BMs.
As he gets older it only seems to bother him more. I thought he'd get used to it and it would stop feeling so jarring each week, but quite the opposite. We've tried explaining the situation to him to the best of our ability, and when he repeatedly asks, "Why?" we say because we all love her and we need to share time.
When SD isn't with us he constantly talks about how he misses her and wishes she was home. We sympathize with him, let him know we miss her to, and it's OK to have those feelings but this is how it is. When we take her to her other house, he gets weepy, and sometimes acts out. He also values his time with her so strongly that it causes behavioral issues when she doesn't want to spend every waking second with him.
Both kids get a weird blend of "only child" time and sibling time that makes these weekend transitions feel tense on occasion. SD does a great job (for an 11 y/o) of being sensitive to his feelings but she's got to do her own thing sometimes, too. There is also a jealously element when DS wants to have everything she has, which I know can be normal for siblings, but leads to uncomfortable conversations about why she has certain things at her other house and not at ours. DS will lash out when upset and say things like "I want to go live with them" or "I wish you weren't here."
Getting into more nitty gritty of the custody agreement is not appropriate at his age, but I'm curious is anyone else had these concern and how did you address it?
That's a decent age gap to
That's a decent age gap to work with so I would point out age to him and you get more and better stuff as you get older. It's not just a blended family issue, he needs to understand that his friends live different and have different stuff too. If they lived together 24/7, you'd have to define boundaries for them , you still have to do it as it is.
He also has a sister, older, and she will want more privacy as she gets older and he will need to respect that. Does he have friends in the neighborhood? He needs to taught to be grateful for what he has instead of focusing on what SD has. ( point out age/gender differences)
Im a factual kind of parent, so stick with the facts in an age appropriate way. Your situation is common and although it's tough at times it's not horrible. Although if you wait to do cool things only when SD is around, that might set him up to long for her to come over. Help him find his own fun activities during the times SD is not around. Life should go on as normal as SD comes and goes.
We had an ours baby and she watched them all grow, age out and move out. She's an aunt now. She is now a teenager and has her own relationships with her older siblings ( 25-33). I get the longing that you talk about with your son. Acknowledgment of his feelings is good. Finding a way to deal with is good too.
Since he is six , maybe a note book journal where he could write or draw his feelings could help him. Maybe a traveling notebook between him and SD that lives under their pillows would help with their connection. Whatever you do, keep him grounded in facts and reality. She will get more distant naturally as she grows up.
Do you have a wall calendar?
Do you have a wall calendar? Kids are very visual, so a wall calendar that highlights days that SD visits and goes back to BM could be a really helpful tool for him.
I get it. My DD is almost 3 and my SS is almost 13. We are on a long distance schedule and only see SS 6 weeks per year. DD is always devastated when SS leaves and SS seems genuinely sad when he leaves. For a week or two at a time, they are not only children, and then for the rest of the time, they are. Losing that sibling and playmate is always hard on both of them. It takes time for them to both adapt back to normal routine.
We really hype DD up for SS visits and we use visuals to help her understand that he will visit and then go home again. SS also got DD a stuffed animal to "remind her of him" when he's away. It helps give her something physical to focus on when she misses him.
DS has to understand
as everyone else does at one time. Life doesn't revolve around them. This is the way thing are and we must make it work. We have a calendar, we know SD will be. Here X day. So we can plan something for her. Popcorn party,, ice cream party. Doing something fun. And some not so fun things Dr's appointments
Stop discussing feels and start reviewing rules.
I completely disagree that custody agreement discussions should be avoided. Catering to the feels and being all tender and coddling is tearing your young one to bits. Age is not a limiter on being introduced to the facts and the rules. Those things are the why things are what they are. In an age appropriate manner of course.
Sit him down, have a discussion about what rules are then expand that discussion to THE rules regarding his elder sister including showing him THE rules which is the CO/Custody agreement/visitation schedule/supplemental county riles/State regulations. Kids need these facts in an age appropriate manner and they need the review of those facts, the full documentation, etc as they get older, questions are asked, and events unfold.
Trying to explain things focusing on the feelings of a 6yo and an 11yo is insanity. 6yos and 11yos have not a clue about what they feel from one moment to the next. The rules and facts are what they are. Why and what they are can be explained. They are concrete, they can be read, and re-read, they can be increasingly explained as the questions evolve over time.
We started the review of the rules with SS-32 when he was about 5yo. He would come home from SPermLand visitation upset over something SpermGrandHag or some other SpermClan member said with their manipulative PASing bullshit. So, we pulled out the CO and read him appropriate sections and Ss's of the ruling explaining how what the SpermClan was saying was wrong, what right really was, and why things were the way they were. Because... rules. Rather than fee fees.
The more they manipulated, the more the facts and documentation was reviewed and explained to SS.
Example.
SS: (SpermGrandHag) says that you are not my real dad and that you are only my StepDad.
Rags & DW: Son, we have explained and talked about how a BioDad is the dad who made you with your mom and a StepDad is the dad that is married to your mom and who loves you and your mom very much. A REAL dad is the dad who goes to work every day to make sure you have a nice safe home to live in, healthy food to eat, that you can see the doctor and dentist when you need to, teaches you to read, tie your shoes, use the toilet, ride your bike, coaches your sports teams, goes to your school events, makes sure that you have good schools to go to and a safe neighborhood to live in. A REAL dad is the dad who loves you and your mom very much.
SS: A StepDad sounds like a real dad to me. Lets go play.
I know that this is not the exact scenario that you are navigating but it ties into how and why to have reality based discussions with a young kid rather than feeding the fee fee whirlpool.
We had these discussions regarding SpermGrandHag telling SS he can't call me dad. I was the person SS first called dad. His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2. The CO was modified in a hearing two days after our wedding. The revised CO upheld full physical and legal custody of SS by DW. Increased CS from $110/mo to the extortion level of $133/mo (sarcasm) and established 7wks of long distance SpermClan visitation (5Wks summer, 1Wk winter, 1wk Spring). That document provided the structure, boundaries, and facts that we raised him under for 16yrs and that we used keep the toxic SpermClan in their place.
We had evolving discussions on the CO, supplemental county rules, State Regulations and a plethora of other applicable facts as the SKid grew up asking questions. Eventually he learned what passed his smell test and what didn't regarding the SpermClan and their crap. He trusted his mom and me because we never lied to him, we discussed the facts to counter their manipulations of his feelings.
You may not be dealing with a toxic blended family opposition but you are dealing with a little boy who cannot comprehend or understand feelings. What he can understand is rules. So review the rules with him in an age appropriate manner and give him the information needed to help him assess and understand the blended family dynamic rather than leaving him to drown in the feelings.
Navigate this as a couple and as a blended family within firm standards of behavior, standards of performance, and review of the relevant rules. It makes the feels so much easier to navigate and significantly less overwhelming. Introduce the kids to the CO, etc....in an age appropriate manner and give them the information needed for all of you to navigate this together.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
It is Time to tell your ds6
It is Time to tell your ds6 that his sister LOVES her daddy and her daddy loves being with her.
Feeling sad that his 1/2 sister is gone is not unusual the first hour or so,
YOUR obligation is to ease his mind and tell him they are having a GREAT TIME and lets go get icecream, ok?
The energy YOU give off is feeding part of his probelm. Stop it, ok?
Children watch parents behavior and mirror it.
Next time your daughter goes to your ex's house---YOU and ss can stand and wave good-bye---HAVE FUN we will see you soooooon
