The Ex
Hi there,
I am considering leaving my relationship and I'm coming on here as a last ditch effort. Hopefully for some perspective, some advice, or support.
I have been involved with my boyfriend for almost two years now. When we started dating he had only 'separated' from his wife 8 months previously. He was tentative to start a serious relationship, but we both felt so much, we did it anyways.
When we first started dating he spent almost all of his time when not at work at the house that he and his wife lived in while they were married. They still did all family things together and for the first 6-8 months of our relationship I only saw him the two nights a week he was free from work/kids. I never saw him during the day on weekends.
As we grew closer, I started to express my discomfort at the level of intimacy, domestic and otherwise that he shared with his wife. For example, he spent/spends extraordinary amounts of time there (still), he grocery shopped with her every week, they share his car (still after being separated for over 2 1/2 years), they will not (pretty much ever) liquidate assets, so she continues to live in the house and expects him to fix things there, even change a light bulb. Every step of the way, I have urged and given ultimatums, etc. for them to start acting less like a married couple (making me feel like 2nd wife all the time) and more like a divorced couple. Every step of the way he has fought me on it. Every step of the way, he acknowledges that the change was the right one. So, hence, I feel like "divorce cop".
While he has come a long way I'm still irked. We argue ALL THE TIME about his ex and the boundaries (or non existent ones) between them and he always chooses her and her family (who is constantly around). They have been separated now for 2 1/2 years, yet this morning while I go to work, she phones him and wants the car, so he drives over to his house with the kids and just hangs out there while she shops. He then helps her inside with the groceries and told me he was leaving right after, but who knows if that happens. Up until a few months ago, she used to buy his groceries for him, and up until 8 months ago, they used to shop together. Like, am I crazy here for finding this a tad ridiculous?
Yet, at soccer and baseball games, her parents that are always there freeze me out and make me feel like a bitch because they don't think that my boyfriend should be "taken away from them". It's so ridiculous...I feel like I'm the only one with a head on my shoulders, understanding what divorce really means. They claim that they want an open situation whereby the ex wife and my boyfriend are really good friends and they continue to do things with her family, even more than just on special occasions. I would embrace that if they embraced me and didn't freeze me out, but they do. And to tell you the truth, it hurts me like hell that my boyfriend doesn't hate them for it. And continues to be friends with them. Shouldn't he be on my side? Particularly when I'm not the one making him choose? From the beginning I was totally open to a friendship with their whole codependent dynamic, but they wouldn't have it...so, what am I left with?
Please help, I feel like I'm going crazy and I'm like 2 seconds away from packing up our dog and leaving.
You aren't crazy!!!!! Pack
You aren't crazy!!!!! Pack your dog and haul ASS!!
Run Forest, runnnnnnnnn!
Seriously, you are basically a mistress with the wife s. consent. Your BF is playing you and playing house with her.
I promise you, you will be so much better off without him or his baggage.
Good luck
My solution? I think you
My solution? I think you should tell him goodbye until the divorce is finalized. Don't expect BM's behavior or that of her parents and family to change. Even though the marriage was filled with problems before you met BF, they're still not going to embrace you, like you or even be open to not freezing you out. I think your best bet is to say goodbye to BF and find a nice guy who doesn't have kids.
That is a really screwed up
That is a really screwed up situation and honestly after 2.5 years it's probably not going to get any better. I would give him an ultimatum and a reasonable time period to put her in her place and lay down some new guidelines and if he doesn't change then I would leave. Maybe if you do that it will give him the wake up call he needs. Good luck and I hope things work out like you want them to, but you don't deserve to have to share him like that.
This is WAY past ultimatums
This is WAY past ultimatums .....she said she's given him those before. My suggestion......say not a damn thing....pack your stuff and leave.
I wouldn't entertain a conversation with him.....This is one of the most disrespectful, cruel, ridiculous things I've heard on here.
Your BF is a complete LOSER!!!!! You deserve soooooo much better
This is the most absurb thing
This is the most absurb thing I have ever, ever head here on this site. You have been together long enough boundaries must be set. As corny or petty as it sounds - I'd like you to sit down and right a list of everything you expect from him - like:
1. He is no longer permitted in that house other than to pick up/drop off kids.
2. They need to get seperate cars - anything other than kids can no longer be shared between them...
etc. etc. etc. If he does not work on these things GET OUT. Seriously - it sounds like they are still married and you are the other woman. This needs to stop now or you need to end it. You have a life too...and he if wishes to be part of it he needs to move on from his ex. APPARENTLY she has his balls in a jar somewhere. You really mean to tell me this woman is so dependant on people she can't even change a lightbulb? Its either laziness or she wants him to move back in. That's ridiculous.
Definitely don't go down that
Definitely don't go down that road. I went there and it's brought me a world of misery. Get out now while you can.
Yea honestly nothing you said
Yea honestly nothing you said in your story said you were his girlfriend. Im surprised that you think this is a serious relationship. It takes two people to have one and it doesnt sound like you have two people its sounds like one. How on earth does he grocery shop with her ?? for what reason. Im surprised you have stayed as long as you have. He loves her and thats why he fights on leaving. Get out and get out now. Dont just ponder on leaving you need to really leave. Im sorry that you love him but seriously there are soooo many guys its not even worth it.
You will NEVER be happy with
You will NEVER be happy with this situation trust me..when I met my husband, I had to deal with the ex-wife for about a good 7 years before all the crap ended. We got together not even a year after they divorced. She had this idea that she was gonna get him back and what not..even coming to the house they once shared together to discuss "their daughter" and talk hours at her business..NOT..I put my foot down I wasn't going for that I told my husband I had no problem with the two of them talking in regards to their daughter but her coming to his house? no way or talking to him an hour or so at her business? not a chance..he did PICK ME over her with that situation..I tolerated her coming by the few times she did and did not cause a scene in front of their daughter...but I did not ever have to put up with them going grocery shopping together or sharing cars..I would definitely been long gone and told him to get back with her.. the most I have had to deal with is him talking about things from the past with her because he spent 17 years of his life with her..he is just the kind of person who thinks about EVERYTHING..and I finally had to ACCEPT I would hear her name more than I cared to but I KNEW he didn't want her back or LOVE HER like he did me..those things you just know.
sml
sml..... I too was in a
sml.....
I too was in a similar situation and it really took some hard convincing with my DH over a year ago to BLOCK the bitch BM from calling, because, yes, she was calling 2-3 times a week to talk to him about his daughters (who at the time were 18 & 20). SERIOUSLY??? The daughters aren't mature enough to talk directly to their dad?!?!??!
She did not like it one bit, but I'd had enough of feeling like she was "virtually in bed" with us every night, dictating our household and lives.
Needless to say the psycho BM PASed his daughters away from him and he lost his relationship with them over it. We're hoping one day they'll grow up and realize how mommy played them and wanted to play them against him like they were 6 and 8, and still needed tons of communication with him over issues (which weren't "issues" at all). BM just doesn't see, the marriage & relationship IS OVER and he has moved on.
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You are being played for sure. RUN RUN RUN. How you've allowed yourself to live like this for 2 1/2 years is astounding. He's still very much in a relationship with her, and you are just the mistress. His arguments to defend and keep what he wants, is the tell-all sign. Unless you like it like that, because he will not change, you will be stuck in this forever. Give yourself a chance to be loved by someone who is deserving of your love, not some jackass of a man, who I don't even really consider this whimp, anything close to a MAN.
I think that NN and I were
I think that NN and I were only dating about 2 weeks before he told BM that he was no longer going to come over to her house to see his kids (ie, free babysitter for BM!).
And I never had to say a word...oh, besides telling him that fathers had rights too and he didn't HAVE to go to BM's house to be able to see his own kids.
If he would have still been GROCERY shopping with her and sharing a CAR!?!?!???
I would have been gone so fast they wouldn't have known where all the dust was coming from.
I can't believe you have let
I can't believe you have let this go on this long. When I first came on the scene DH was doing stuff for BM. I went off one time and that stopped. My therapist said that he wasn't truly divorced from her. Told DH that and it was eye opening for him. All of the BS stopped.
You need to tell him hell no or you are out the door. That is crazy. They should only see each other at drop offs. No more no less. Get her out of his financial life as well. Sharing a car is insane.... Personally so many red flags here. You deserve to be treated better.
When My exH first left 3
When My exH first left 3 months after he told me he was leaving, We did the whole deal where he came to our home to spend Fri nites and Saturdays or Sat nites and Sundays with our daughter(4 at the time). He wanted to play house and have us all be there together. I had no clue where he was living all I was told was that he was staying with a friend from work. At that point in time I was trying desparately to hang on to my marriage and did everything he wanted to keep it. But after 3 1/2 months of this, I found out he was actually living with another woman and her kids. I then started going to my girlfriends to spend the nites he was there with our daughter. After about 2 months of that, I told him he was going to have to start taking our daughter to whereever he was staying and we made a schedule. He was ticked. He wanted to have his marriage and his separate life with his lover, I felt like the other woman in our marriage. The whole time he was with us on the weekends he was IMing her and texting and it was ridiculous. I didnt know it at the time, I put it all together later.
My point is, I (the wife) had to put a stop to it. I had to say "no more" I had to end my marriage. Or he would have happily gone on this way forever.
I am almost wanting to tell you to talk to the wife and see what her story is. I bet its way different than his............
If she wants him back she will get him back. He is having the time of his life right now.
My ex still lives with his lover and her kids. But only because I forced him too by standing up for myself finally and to this day he lets me know in different ways that he wants me back. But I like myself too much to let that happen......
You need to move out. That
You need to move out. That man is married. There is no ex, no bm, no seperation about it. If he really was seperated, why would he not want a divorce? The POINT of seperation is divorce. From what you just said, he LIVES with his wife and kids and he VISITS you, his mistress. I dont know why his wife hasnt left him yet since she must know about you but honey, you need to get out of that relationship cause its twisted.
AGREE with everyone who has
AGREE with everyone who has posted. Sorry but seems neither your BF or his wife are moving on. Still acting and pretty much living as a married couple. You need to let him go or you will end up more hurt. Refuse to take part in this dysfunctional arrangement. Best of luck to you. Keep posting here for moral support. Better things to come for you but first you need to let this one go.
Thanks everyone, I really
Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your comments. I was shocked at first, but to tell you the truth, there was at least a shred of truth in each post...something I had either thought or said to him in the past. As they say, I guess "it's a no-brainer".
Sigh. I showed him this post and the comments, and he didn't say much. Then when I asked him why he wasn't talking, he said that I'd just shut him down anyways. To which I responded, "yeah, unless I hear something different, I'm not going to be too open to anything you say, not anymore".
This is scary as hell, but...just wanted to thank you all for your thoughts...they were really nice and obviously came from a place of caring. And I really appreciate that.
:)/:(
I would seriously leave. BEEN
I would seriously leave. BEEN THERE done that but who am i to judge.
I got with my husband now in 2006 they had been seperated for 4 months because she was on her second adultry act. so he had left had 2 daughters. I didnt get to meet the girls unitl Nov of 06. he done the same thing over there at they're house even paid her bills for her for the first year we were together but yet he was staying with me at my apartment. I remember asking for help wth the bills and got looked down upon. SO i was on my way out. She even got pregnant by the the BF and pretended it was my husbands.
Its just your bf dont do it no more if its been going on now for 2 years...
LEAVE!!!! seriously..
I could so write a book!