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Disengaging Light Bulb

Tmoore's picture

Submitted by Tmoore on Thu, 07/14/2011 - 7:57am

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Blended Family Issues

So after almost 3 years of fighting with DH about the skids, I decided to disengage and told DH that I was done dealing with this crap and I would no longer do anything for his kids. DH, MIL, skids, and maternal GM(the one with custody) all fight me every step of the way to include the skids into my life.

DH accused me of punishing his children, and after some thought I realized I am not punishing them. I am not taking away anything that belonged to them
My love
My care
My concern
My time
My energy
My guidance
My values
My thoughts of them
These are all my things that I gave them willingly, and when I got screwed over, disrespected, disregarded, I decided to take it back. I was a stranger that took these kids on and tried to make them apart of MY life and MY family, I am not obligated to them...

So anyway I thought I would share because I did feel bad about this and after this light bulb came on I no longer feel bad, and I thought it might help anyone else with the struggle to disengage.

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Thu, 07/14/2011 - 8:49am

Exactly! The book "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin really brings this out.

As women, society EXPECTS us to unconditionally love any stepchild that comes into our life, yet on the other hand is VERY willing to judge us as EVIL should we not be willing to wear a permanent smile as we are getting stomped on my said children and their biological relatives (often including biodad).

This myth has to be burned and expunged forever.

Tmoore's picture

Submitted by Tmoore on Thu, 07/14/2011 - 9:48am

"My skids are now tenants in my home(although they should be evicted for non payment of rent)."

LOL...I openly admit that all the children in my house are just Squatters bio kids included in that statement.

Said it just yesterday to them all because my DS12 made the statement that WE own this house...lol And I was like, we...we own this house...No I own this house and y'all are just squatters...

I am a firm believer that the entitlement isses we have with kids today is because we have entitled them to shit that does not belong to them

Genvieve34's picture

Submitted by Genvieve34 on Thu, 07/14/2011 - 9:05am

I agree with disengagment. I have to put my heart and soul into my own children. I don't have the energy or desire to be mentally exhausted when it comes to my stepdaughters. (11&13) Everything that goes on in my home they run and tell their egg donor. I'm sick of the crap I've been through. So they don't deserve me.

jaohlund's picture

Submitted by jaohlund on Thu, 07/14/2011 - 10:50am

Wow...this sums up how I have been feeling these last few days. I am so frustrated and exhausted from feeling bad about the relief I felt yesterday when SKID left to go to BM's. I was even disappointed when I found out he'd be back Tuesday instead of Thursday.
The rude, ungratefulness has really gotten to me. I am so tired of being treated like I really don't exist except when he needs or wants something. I didn't created his situation and I refuse to be the one to pay for it. It has caused nothing but tension between DH and me. I can't talk to him about it because his responses just send me nearly over the edge.
Disengaging sounds VERY hard for me but I've got to find a place of calm for myself.
As much as I'm sad that it seems so many of us are going through this, it's nice to find people who understand! Thanks!

hopefulSM's picture

Submitted by hopefulSM on Thu, 07/14/2011 - 11:18am

Oh, my DH pulls that same crap of punishing SD or taking it out on SD. All I can say is that anything I do should me “extra” for SD. She should be able to get everything from her bioparents. If she doesn’t that does not fall on me to make up for either one of them. And it seems to be when I was picking up their slack, they sure seemed to slack off a lot more, SD seems to expect I do the things I do – her parents did too and seem to think it was MY responsibility to do them, and I was unappreciated by all and my resentment started to grow. I successful disengaged about a year ago (I did many failed attempts). It was hard at first, but it is so much better now. I am much happier. Things are better between DH and me and between SD and me. Now I feel like when I do something it is appreciated and valued and I don’t have the resentment that I had when I felt that everything always rest on my shoulders.