Discipline of stepchildren
The mother of my stepchildren feels that I should have no say-so on any disciplinary issues that go on in my home or with my SO. She also has a problem with them coming here to visit (no basis to her concerns), but they've insisted on coming here...up until this weekend when one got banned for her behavior. Had I not said anything to my stepdaughter, I would have discovered (quite painfully) later that she had lied to me about a gift I gave her, and just threw it somewhere.
Every time my stepdaughters come up, one is helpful and well-mannered and the other thinks she's on vacation. According to her mother, I should just let her sit on her butt, and clean up after her. I am not supposed to ask her to do anything, rather I should wait for her father to get home or call him to have him tell her. My SO disagrees and says I have full jurisdiction in my own home.
Why do some biological parents act like this?
I got plans for her. I'm glad
I got plans for her. I'm glad SO backs me in banning the bratty one from the home until she learns to respect us BOTH. She is mouthy, and will hang up on you if you try to talk sense into her. There's little we can do with her being far away and her mother controlling everything. Staying here is NOT a vacation, it's a treat and it would serve her well to remember that. I think that after a year of no gifts from her father's side of the family whie her twin sister gets them, she might come around. If she wants our money, she'd better act like she has sense!
Yeah, she's not getting
Yeah, she's not getting anything else from me. DH and I looked back, and in hindsight, she's been the one who hasn't taken well to the situation at all. I had no idea that she could be so devious. I think she's going to continue getting her feelings hurt as she experiences not getting as many material things from us as she thinks she should have, but that money is mine too, and if she can't appreciate what she's getting, she's not going to get it.
It'll be an interesting rest of the year, I daresay.
You try because these are you
You try because these are you DHs kids and because you care about them.
It is hard sometimes but as Sparents that is part of what we deal with.
IMHO of course.
Best regards.
MamaK, It's good that your SO
MamaK,
It's good that your SO is on board with you! If you've read the boards, you'll note that's where the majority of the problems in these blended families originate!
Anyway, since SO and you seem to be on the same page, it might be advantageous to come up with a list of "10 House Rules" that are most important to you and SO (ok, mostly YOU ;-)! )
Go over them with the kids, post them on the fridge. And make sure there are CLEAR consequences for not abiding by them. This way, if any child breaks a rule, they are not offending "YOU," they are simply breaking the "House Rule," and they know ahead of time what their consequence will be. No surprise, no hurt feelings. It's all out in the open ahead of time. And YOU are not the bad guy.
As as for BM- to heck with her. She has NO say so as to what happens in your home. She may THINK she does, but she doesn't. What happens at your home is YOUR BUSINESS. Period.
Boundaries. It's all about boundaries. And this BM, like so many we deal with on this site, have no concept of the word.
BioMom does not get an
BioMom does not get an opinion in your home about anything. Just as you don't get an opinion in hers.
It sounds as if you and SO have a good and supportive relationship so resolving this should be reasonably easy or even fun if you enjoy baring the asses of the blended family opposition as much as I do. I consider it a sport and have gotten very good at it over the years.
As an equity spouse in your home you are also an equity parent in your home. You discipline as you see fit. My wife and I have had a few short periods in our marriage when she did not like how I was disciplining our son (my SS). My response was "If you don't like how I am disciplining then you had better get it done before I have to". Our son wants me to step back in to the primary disciplinarian role. I discipline immetiately and do not put him through the meat grinder for a single infraction for days like his mother does. He gets his punishment then we get back to life. Whether it is being grounded, spanked (in the old days), etc ...... he knows that when I lay down the law it is the law and if he keeps his head in the game we are good. His mom chews him up and spits him out for days.
I insisted from day one of my marriage to my wife that I would be an equity parent to both she and BioDad. At the time I made the money and housed, clothed, supported, coached, helped with homework, etc.... so I was Dad. The other guy (BioDad) was the fun one that the kid spent time with in the summer, winter and spring.
We married whe SS was 1yo. He will turn 18 towards the end of the summer and just finished HS last month.
Now that my wife has her own career we are still equity parents because we are partners in our marriage and in raising our son (my SS).
BioDad nor any of the SpermClan (primarily SpermGrandMa) get any say or even an opinion on how SS is raised in our home. They can do what they want with him when he is on visitation and there is little we can do about it other than pick up the pieces and get him through the post visitatio detox period when he gets home.
IMHO of course.
Best regards.
Hello All, I have a strange
Hello All,
I have a strange feeling that any future attempts at having the chance to create boundaries with the kids in our home is not going to happen. Ever since I came into my SO's life, this chick has brought the kids by less and less. And it's true, SD #1 probably hates me. SD #2 wants to come see us, but now she doesn't know if she can...and they're going to be up here this weekend. That heifer (babymama) drives by here coming and going. I hate that this is happening. I have to find a way to just let it go...somehow.