When I was 20, I knew everything too.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

You make it sound so easy, and when they are young it is easy. When the BParents are not involved it is easier.

I agree with you on a lot of your points though. It is what has kept us going strong for three years.

parental alienation syndrome

While I quite agree with your list as an ideal to shoot for, I must say we did those things, and still do consistently. No one is perfect we are all human etc etc, so no I don't spoil my SD with love and attention anymore, not because she is "just" my SD, but b/c in reality I was giving her special treatment. I was acting like a favorite Aunt for the first couple years. And yes when I finally started treated her the same as my own kids, IE I had expectations of her and she had consequences, she wanted nothing more to do with respecting me.

I have a lot more back story but it's all there in grueling detail in my countless longwinded posts.

I now am far more enlightened, was jaded for a while, but am recovering from that. And what I now know 5 years in, is that I am not responsible for what SD chooses to do with her live or how she wishes to live it. I continue to try to help her learn, guide her in the right direction, but cannot fix her anymore than BM or either one of them could "fix" me (b/c they have not grown so enlightened the past 5 years and have found my shoulders a convenient resting place for all their issues and all that makes them unhappy in life.)

I so hope that you are never disillusioned as I was, and that your positive outlook continues unchallenged.

As for me? Personal challenges bring about my greatest lessons.

Goodluck

"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." ~Geoffrey F. Abert

I have been in my skids life forEVER. SS was 18mths and SD was 3. I potty trained SS. I taught them to read and write their names. I tucked them in at night and read them bedtime stories with all of the silly voices to boot. My DH supported and backed me and at the time BM was CP and we were EOWers. The kids were ours full time when SS was 5.5 and SD 7 days shy of her 7th bday. My skids have no memories of BM and DH being together. My skids adored the heck out of me and vice versa. They would come for visits and run squealing into the house in search of me. They hated to be returned to BM and always wanted just a little more time. So, you see we had the ideal perfect family too.

Something clicked in BM. She did not like her kids sharing positive stories about me. She did not like hearing how much fun the kids had with us. She did not like that her kids LOVED me and I them. So, after laying dormant for many years of bliss, that ugly little dragon awoke. She started spewing PAS like you would not believe. It practically ruined my relationship with the kids. Now three years later I am still trying to patch things up. We go through spurts. We have months on end and maybe even a year where things are wonderful. Then we have periods where things are pure hell. I think a lot of it has to do with BMs BPD cycles. It eventually filters over on the kids and they give it to me. Keep in mind that things were really good in the beginning. Now we deal with BMs chaos and nonsense in ebbs and flows. Right now she is spiking. I am assuming she is off her meds. IDK. DH and I have been putting out fires all day from todays episode. (Refer to Karma is a Beyotch for part I. Conference at SS School for Part II. Stop this ride I want to get off for Part III). Even after all is said and done I KNOW that I have good kids. The problem is that they have an unhealthy BM. It all ties in.

It is a good thing that you have a decent relationship with BM and she understands. It is great that DH supports you. It is wonderful that SD and you have a wonderful relationship and that things are good for you. I pray that it remains that way because as any of us can testify when it is good, it is usually really good. And when it is bad we are ready for the quickest exit. Good Luck with that and I hope yours is a success story. But in the land of Stepping - it is hard to come by an idyllic one.

Just because one opens her legs twice, does not a mother make! ~ ME ~ }:-P

Gia,

I think you have it bang on with a partial exception to #3. Your Son and your SD should be disciplined the same. I am not an advocate of excessive physical punishment but a swift pop on the but is appropriate in some situations. If your BS can receive a slap on the hand your SD should also if she exhibits similar behavior.

How you discipline in your home is how you discipline in your home and all children in the home should have the same rewards and consequences for their behavior.

Again, I am not advocating severe physical punishment but if one child in your home is subject to appropriate corporal punishment then it should apply to all children if behavior warrants it.

Just my thoughts of course.

Best Regards,

my step sons since they were 21 months and 6 months old. DH and BM were never married. She has custody. But, I can honestly say, despite the crap and lies she tell the boys, they know the truth. They haven't changed thus far, they are almost 10 and the other is 11. They are always respectful and loving to me. I think it is in the way you treat them, the way their bio parents act, so on and so forth. I treat them no differently than my 2 bs's. They know they are just as important and loved as my own children. For some people, this is impossible, maybe due to the age of the children or the PAS that occurs so much. Keep your head up and keep doing the best you can and it may suprise you that all the love will still be there when you SD gets older.
Making the decision to have a child is momentous~ It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside of your body~