Bio parent and brother influence my stepson to hate me
Influence on issue: Ex-wife has no rules in her home, does not monitor what the kids do including on the internet, what they eat is catered to the kids (mainly the youngest who is now 9), nor chores or responsibilities. In our home, where 5 of the 6 reside the majority of the year (90%+) there are rules, responsibilities, expectations, consequences for actions as well as rewards, variety of meals (sometimes loved and sometimes not), as well as careful monitoring of behaviors and influences including video games and the Internet.
Mom wants her youngest boy but not the middle boy as she has no influence over the middle, and extreme over the youngest. The oldest also has heavy influence on the youngest. So, mom and oldest brother every time they have the youngest say things to him like, "I hate her," "She is a bad person," "She is not your mom," "Her kids are not your brothers," "You don't have to listen to her," "Is she feeding you, "Has she touched you," "Is she mean to you," among other comments. They even called Child Services which came back "unfounded" on me, the stepmom.
Problem: His 9 year old has acted out for over a year against me and my boys. Most recently Child Services suggested counseling for his youngest to help resolve issues, but $3,000 later there are no changes. My husband thought military school to get discipline and appreciation in kids life. Until a new development. This week the 9 year old said he hates me (not a first time), he believes his mom and brother about me, does not want to change his behavior toward me and will not change his behavior, he will not accept me, and that the counseling has done nothing to change his opinions or his intentions in our family home.
Question: What do we do? How do we approach the problem?
Agree with dad: if it's
Agree with dad: if it's possible send him to military school. Send them all to military school. Ok, not the one who bucks mom.
Then they can see how their little snottiness flies with trained professionals who aren't obligated to love them.
Just my opinion but 9 seems
Just my opinion but 9 seems way young to be away from family, no matter how dysfunctional. At his age he, in my opinion, is the victim not the perpetrator. Might be time to say let's not have him come over for awhile until he really wants to, thus taking away his and his other family's power for manipulation. In other words, "if you hate me, come over when you feel differently."
Military School!!! One of my
Military School!!! One of my favorite topics and mitigations for kids who have difficulty extricating their heads from their own butts.
It worked wonders for my dad, for me, for my younger bother, and for my Skid (for the most part).
I am not sure there are many Military School options for a 9yo though. As a foundation before engaging a Military School in 5-6 years or so.... set the standards of behavior for all of the Spawn in your home and hold them all to those standards in an age appropriate manner. Augment those standards with FACT.... introduce this kid, and any of the others who would benefit from the facts, to the facts and keep him abreast of those facts. Anything regarding the lies his BM and elder brother are filling him with, review the CO with him, any divorce agreements, any supplemental rules governing Custody/Visitation/Support in your jurisdiction... and when the toxic blended family opposition lies to him.... give him the truth and bare their lying asses each and ever time.
It worked well with my Skid to counter the toxic manipulations and lies of the SpermClan for much of the 16+ years we lived under a CO. ..... and Military School didn't hurt either.