Why the anger? Long read
Ok, so I have been a with DH for 5 years now. I can count on one hand how many times I have had to have interactions with BM but everything it is AWFUL!
I should have known it would be NASTY from the beginning, after about 10 months of us dating we decided that maybe we should meet each others kids. My DH trying to being a good guy, and not to the "ignore the ex" phase yet, informed BM of his attentions. Her stipulation... I could not meet their kids until she met me first! So, trying to be the bigger person, because personally I was thinking, are you serious how can you tell him what to do during his time, but hey we are all learning so I went and had lunch, or tried she walked out in about 5 minutes "saying it was too uncomfortable for her"
About a week later, as I am out to dinner/movie with my children I can feel my phone going off A LOT...As soon as we extra the theatre, I check fearing the worst... and it is BM. She left me SEVERAL nasty voicemails, and the general point she wanted to get across, is that I was not to meet her children tomorrow! We were going to bring the kids together/fun day at the amusement park.. hopefully make the meet and greet a lot less tense, lol
So again to not cause conflict we ate the cost of the tickets, and did not go.
Over the next two years it was causal hello's at sporting events, schools events, etc.
Then, and to go back, my DH was awarded the house in his divorce decree. When we became engaged, he decided their was too many memories for me to move in there so he choose to sell, and we could buy a house together. Well when she left, she left all kinds of stuff. VHS tapes, old art, etc. Once again my terrific hubby called her and asked her if she wanted any of this stuff, if not he was going to clean it out... CRICKETS!
So the day of the move came, bunch of us are helping move and BM, shows up. SCREAMING in front of her kids and everything "that Beeyotch has no business touching my stuff" Made a HUGE SCENE. So much so that my DH (fiancé at the time) wanted to call the police. I talked him down from that "I am sure this is just her reaction to all the change" "You don't want the kids to see their mother arrested"
Again mostly quiet, I mean I did get the "she isn't allowed to pick up the kids" but then out of the other side of her mouth "Can't SHE just take them to get the supplies they need"
Until the wedding and then World War III... "just because you married my ex....." I am sure you can all fill in the blanks!
So we do try our best to just avoid conflict, example.. when we have him for extended time i.e. Spring Break "she can't be without her kids that long, would you mind if I picked them up and do dinner with them" Or she will get sporting events tickets and "can I just keep the kids, they really want to go" And we always comply!
And just last week, boom!! This time over a blanket! My husband not trying to be malicious bought me a blanket as the SS is big into baseball and we have cold night baseball games coming up and it said baseball mom on it. Well the intention was to NEVER show her - because she all but told us that "she will never be their mom, just because you are getting married", but SS who loved the blanket told her about "the cool blanket", and like I said BOOM, she has even reached out to DH's family, telling them that I said she was a bad mom/and of course they reached out because they couldn't believe it, BUT THE DRAMA and in my opinion these aren't her family members anymore so she is way overstepping!
This is why I am here, like I said I have seen this woman maybe 6 times in 5 years, and of those are least half have been confrontational!
I don't want to fight with her, but damn it is almost like she is treating me like I am the one that broke her family up/when I did not even meet my DH until 2 years after his divorce! So your stories make me feel not so alone! I am afraid I am going to have to grin and bear it for another 4 years, when the youngest ages out... but then there will be college graduations, weddings, babies...
Does it get better ever?
Sorry but no it doesn't get
Sorry but no it doesn't get any better. DBM keeps her crap for DH but will never say anything directly to me or infront of others.
My SS14 ordered me a hat from coaches wife that says Baseball mom on the back. He got her one too and got DH one that says baseball dad but didn't get SF one.
DBM saw me wearing the hat when she showed up to the one of the 5 games she has been to. OMG the look on her face! She quickly took off the hat and immediately went to sit with the other baseball moms to make sure I knew my place I guess.
Hang in there. Be there for the kids and your DH and as I learned on here..Ignore the Whore!
I recall reading your other
I recall reading your other post about the baseball "Mom" blanket. Oh boy.
In my experience with a BM like this, no, it does not get better. Maybe longer stints without in-your-face drama, but the general uneasiness knowing more drama could be looming around any given corner is not a lifestyle I'd wish on anyone.
DH and I have come to learn that something is generally up, when BM is silent for too long.
BMs being Bms the marriage
BMs being Bms the marriage and family broke up for a REASON, right?
I have a crazy BM - in fact her own daughter calls her mother bipolar. She has gone off the deep end more times than I can count. SO brings me to pickups sometimes, or drop-offs, or there are events, or birthdays, so I HAVE to deal with Raging Hippo BM.
In our case, SHE cheated and wanted to be with other men, and thusly broke the marriage. But when he wanted a divorce, she wanted him to wait so SHE could benefit (after 10 years you can collect your partners SS amount, and also you can file to get alimony in perpetuity). She is selfish, narcissistic, mean and somehow oddly tends to lose the few friends she does have.
This woman, most recently, about a month ago, became angry at SO, busted into our home, and in front of her youngest, raged at us and cursed at us and called ME names (I have nothing to do with anything!).
I don't know if it gets any better. I want us to move to another town, the next town over, so we are not so close by, so she cannot ask for things, to borrow, etc.
However, I am in it for the long haul. The kids and I are good, things are peaceful right now.
I also have a crazy BM. She
I also have a crazy BM. She hasn't had an episode in a while so I am just sitting here waiting because I'm sure something will happen soon. Usually holidays cause her crazy outbursts...and only when it is SO's turn to have the child for the holiday. If she has her no problems...if he does (via custody agreement) she still finds a way to try to have what she wants. She only wants to follow that agreement when it benefits her. We have found that if we make her stick with all of it to a T she will back off a bit b/c she doesn't want to go with all of it either. Also we just don't feed into it anymore. Silence is golden! When she doesn't get a reaction she can't do much!
Just an example of the crazy though since you bring up kids sporting events. When we first met SD was in ice skating so we would go watch her (even if it wasn't his weekend). Well BM decided that it was hurting her daughter when we went and didn't sit next to her and that we should sit next to her at the skating place for her daughter's sake! Ummmm WTF?!?! We obviously didn't feed into it or change what we were doing but yep CRAZY!!!! I really think the problem was that when we went her daughter would always wave over to where we were sitting and pay more attention to us than her.
These high conflict BMs usually have one thing in common (at least from what I have read here)...MAJOR INSECURITY! I am finally at a point where I just accept that it is her problem not mine and disengage
You guys need lots of
You guys need lots of boundaries for this person. You should have let dh call the police. Sometimes, the pre-madonna syndrome that these ex's are marinated in to think THEY are the only one that matters when it comes to, all, everything! You have to snap her in the forehead with confrontation and exposure at times to keep her in line. She is sending you a clear message of apathy...'You don't matter"....
I put up with this kind of treatment "trying to be the bigger person" for 25 years...You only have 5 into it...Get a handle on it before it consumes your personhood. When bm died, the contrast in culture was literally shocking to my system. Get some professional help to step out of this madness, so you look "at it" and make some wise choices. If you don't the children will follow suit with the attitude toward you later. They are watching everything....they are being groomed for the future.
Dh needs to e a leader here. EX does not have the right to disrupt your family ever...EVER...that is absolutely unacceptable. Get used to saying those words out loud....
Wake up....take charge of your life now...Peace.
Excellent post as always,
Excellent post as always, peacemaker. What sayings like, "be the bigger person," "suck it up and take it," "take the high road," "don't take it personally," and so on (sayings that SMs are told all the time) really mean is that SMs are supposed to accept that they are screwed and not complain. They are supposed to be content with and accept less from "the family" through no fault of their own. In other words, SMs are to put up with being relegated to the back of the bus their entire lives. In reality, no one has to put up with that. No one. And, nowadays no one would generally be expected to put up with that, other than a SM, of course. Just say NO to that caca!
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