Banned from seeing my partner at weekends
Hi all
My boyfriend is in the final weeks of a so far very amicable divorce. She decided the relationship was over, and after 3 sexless and loveless years where she withheld all affection and refused to discuss her reasons, he finally asked her if she wanted to divorce. She jumped at the chance and moved out a few days afterwards with very little fuss. She never gave any explanation, but suspicions are that she was seeing someone else (that she is still seeing). They came to an amicable divorce agreement, where he essentially gave her their house, the child support she wanted and primary custody of their 5 year old son with him to visit 3 weeks a month. My boyfriend adores his son, and losing contact every day has come close to breaking his heart.
When I met my boyfriend they were just separated, and we fell in love very quickly. Despite it being quite quick, their marriage was over for a long time, and it was just an instant attraction. He says our relationship is very different, and much more open and honest than their ever was. He says he is the happiest he has ever been. He has been an exemplary boyfriend and is so kind to my son and to me. I have no complaints at all except that his ex wife is causing big problems in what would otherwise be an idyllic life.
When we met, I was living abroad, and after some time spent in a long distance relationship, we decided we wanted to make a proper go of it. He was unable to move away from his son, so I was the one who needed to move. I left my home, family, the business I own, and uprooted myself and my son to a place where we know no one. It has been hard, and very lonely at times.
For the first six months, my boyfriend´s ex wife insisted that her son did not know we were living together, so I had to stay in hotels every weekend. This was a hassle, but she said it was while we got to know him. We followed her wishes, going as far as to remove all traces of myself and my son from our apartment every week. It was hard, but after six months we agreed to move into a bigger house together, and that we would be open in our relationship.
This was a period of enormous upset and stress for me. Hard enough to move to a new place but to have to hide from your own home. I also had some health problems which were very hard to cope with without my family and friends. I was so relieved to finally move into our joint home.
Everything was wonderful for three weeks. Then after that the ex wife decided that she thinks my son is a bad influence on her son, because he has ADHD. The boys (5 and 7) also played some naked games (nothing terrible, just kid stuff) and she blames this 100% on my son – even though hers started these games off. She has spent a total of 5 minutes with myself and my son, and has made this judgment against my son out of nowhere. She doesn´t care about my boyfriends opinion. Her word is final. She has banned all contact between my son and her son.
The result is, myself or my boyfriend have to leave every weekend and go to a hotel. Again I am back to this life and i am alone most of the time. I feel depressed and alone and it is causing me to doubt my boyfriend. I did not move country and give up everything just to live here on my own, but at the same time if I talk to my boyfriend all he does is cry and say he feels liek he has to choose between me and the mother of his cjild. He thinks if he stands up to her she will stop him seeing his son. She also tells him he puts me before his son and tries to make him feel guilty all the time. He says she just talks over him and he can´t argue with her.
He said he would talk to her when the time was right, but here we are more than a month later and he still has not raised a discussion with her. He goes to their house once a week to have dinner and put his son to bed (as he plays sports right near their house and it means he sees his son), and he goes to rehearse in a play he is in with her once a week too. He also picks up and drops off his son twice a week too and invariably stops for a coffee – so that´s four chances a week to talk to her, and he never does. He talks to her about other stuff, but just pretends this isn´t happenning. I think he is just waiting till she changes her mind and is too scared to argue with her.
I am hurt that he is putting me in this situation and that he is not standing up for me, or for my son (who he lives with and they have come to really care about each other). I am hurt that he not only doesn’t confront her, but maintains a friendly relationship having coffee and chats with her while she tears my life apart. I feel like he considers her to be more important than me. My life is falling apart, and I feel like he does nothing.
I have tried my best to see the best of it, and to just wait for time to sort it out and to believe I matter to him, but when I reflect, I don´t think i really am. I know if I issue demands he will do what I say, but then if she DOES stop him seeing their son, it will be my fault. I feel trapped.
It sounds silly, but I saw a life insurance policy he has just taken out, and it leaves something only to his son, with his ex wife as the sole trustee. This isn’t about the money, it makes me feel like they are still his only family, and I am nothing to him, and not his proper family. It makes me feel like I amngto him.
I have told him he needs to talk to her, and expressed how hurt and angry I am, but weeks later and he has done nothing. I don´t think he will ever stand up to her. Once this situation is resolved, she will never stop controlling our lives. she makes every decision on what we can or can´t do, and everything revolves around her and what she wants and feels is best. For example, my boyfriend (depsite living only 20 mins away) is only allowed to see his son on set days, and cannot call him to say good night as SHE feels it would be disruptive He never argues with her - he just does whatever she says.
I love this man, but he is showing the kind of weakness I find wrong. He is allowing me, my son AND his own son (who constantly asks to see me and my son)to be hurt so he can avoid confrontation. He is putting her needs first for what he percieves as an easy life, and in doing so he is hurting all the people he should most be protecting.
Yikes! This is crazy. This
Yikes! This is crazy. This woman has no right to dictate where YOU live or when you have to leave your own home. The problem is that your exemplary boyfriend is giving her the authority to do this. I am confused as to why he would listen to her? Your bf is entitled to visitation rights-she is not able to tell him who he can have a relationship with. I am also confused as to why you have put up with this for even one second. IMO, it needs to stop NOW-if their is a visitation order she can be held in contempt if she does not let the kid see his dad-and he needs to hold to this.
Although I am a little concerned about the "naked" games?
well, the reason I moved
well, the reason I moved before his divorce was final was that my son has special needs in school, and he had schools near him with much better facilities to the country I was living in. So it was partly due to that. However, I have a lot of family and friends in other areas I would have moved to instead if I had known this is what it would turn out like.
you´re right, it doesn´t sound like he considers me at all. It´s good to hear. Maybe I need a kick up the butt to see it.
Thank you. I think your
Thank you. I think your response really summarized what I knew in my head already. I appreciate it, you´re absolutely right.
As their divorce is not fully
As their divorce is not fully finalized, he does not have court papers yet. They only have a separation agreement. So he can´t take her to court. Not that he would anyway. He is concerned with upsetting her and having bad relationships with her, the the point that he is willing to throw me under a bus to achieve it. He says it will blow over, but at the end of the day, what will it be next time? We can´t get married till she says we can? We can´t go on holiday?
As for the naked games, it was no big deal. Her son invented a game called "bum tag" where he took his clothes off and rubbed his butt on my sons face, and my son licked his butt. No big deal. She went nuts. She isn´t interested that her son started it. We even called in social services (purely for ex wifes benefit) who went to see her and told her it was normal. the lady from social services told us she felt the ex was was over the top, and it was a storm in a teacup.
Why do I put up with it? I don´t know. because I feel like I have to let him deal with her in his own time. I have now moved country and been here for 8 months and settled my son into a new school and a new life. My son loves my boyfriend. We have just signed a joint lease on a new house. I am not sure WHAT to do.
I just wanted to know whteher other people felt I needed to wlak out of this relationship, or if I should give it time.
We saw a social services
We saw a social services worker who said it was what kids do when they are 5. My boyfriend also told me he played similar games with his brother when he was a child. We also saw a doctor and spoke to a psychologist, who said many kids do things like this, and see it as a game, and not sexual. You´re having the same reaction as the ex wife though, so maybe everyone is diferrent. I can rest easy in the knowledge that I have had professional advice not to worry about it. Bear in mind though, HER son started this game!
I've had kids that did the
I've had kids that did the "play doctor" thing. And while it's uncomfortable, it's what kids do.
Rubbing a butt on someone's face and having them lick it??? Crosses the line, IMO.
I've also had skids that crossed the line and had CPS issues.
I know where that line is...what is normal and not.
This one, just creeps me the f out!
Yes, but it was HER son who
Yes, but it was HER son who rubbed his but on MY sons face. My son just stuck his tongue out. so a 50/50 situation. As I said CPS said it was normal with zero cause for concern. We all seem to be missing the wood for the trees here a bit.
I don't think it was your kid
I don't think it was your kid who was "badder"
I just think this is a wholly inappropriate game. Period.
If I saw a kid rubbing his naked butt on my kid's face, I'd knock him one.
I agree 100%! I am not
I agree 100%! I am not saying I allow it or approve whatsoever! I went nuts on my kid. he knows for sure this kind of game never happens again. that said, it does not been these children can never see each other again. That reaction is over the top.
I'd hate to see what this
I'd hate to see what this social worker calls abnormal. That's weird.
I didn´t say they all did it.
I didn´t say they all did it. She said it was within normal play. Not that every child does it. Please stop making me worry about this more than i already have. Trust me, I agonised over it, and I have done everything possible to ensure it was dealt with 100%. I have dealt with it, and explained all the various professionals I have consulted. A private psychologist says there is no need to worry. this is not a person with a high case load, she is paid by the hour. There is no lack of supervision in my house, and it´s mean for you to say that. My kid has never slept out anywhere except my parents. I never leave his side. I am a devoted parent. I was in the next door room when this happenned and the kids were getting dressed. what possible reason would i have to assume this would happen.
"where he took his clothes
:jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop:
"where he took his clothes off and rubbed his butt on my sons face, and my son licked his butt. No big deal"
HOLY CRAP!! Are you serious?!?
Only you know if you need to
Only you know if you need to walk or not. Don't think, just answer: Do you want to stay or go?
Now, as far as the naked game thing goes, I'm a nanny and have been for 6 years. I've had probably 20 kids that age, and that is NOT normal. AT ALL. You and/or BM need to investigate who is teaching them these naked games.
I'm sorry, but whatever social worker told you that is WRONG. It is normal for boys to pee outside and take off their clothes and have very little modest, yes--until about age 7, honestly. It is not normal for them to touch each other while naked.
I highly suggest some counseling with both of these boys and a second opinion.
I appreciate you taking time
I appreciate you taking time to respond, but as I said. We have talked to both kids. We have seen a worker from CPS and talked to three more. We have talked to the teachers at school. We have seen a psychologist. We have seen the family doctor. All of these people have told us not to worry about it beyond discussing boundaries with the kids. We have now told the kids they are not allowed to be naked at all. (at the time this happenned they were getting dressed after a bath). Please, your concern while appreciated is honestly misplaced. These are happy healthy kids and we are extremely responsible parents who have covered every possible avenue to ensure this was dealt with. To be clear one final time, the other child began this game, NOT MINE.
I think you need to go back
I think you need to go back home and continue a long distance relationship until he is completely divorced. It does not sound like he is ready for a relationship and is still hung up on the ex.
The naked stuff may just be kids stuff but I would make sure they understand that is not acceptable behavior. I would have been upset if I found out my kid was licking someone elses butt or rubbing his butt on someone elses face. Sorry but that does not sound good to me.
Hope everything works out for you but you need to put your foot down if you stay and insist on your boyfriend getting a backbone.
Of course we have made clear
Of course we have made clear to the kids that this is not an acceptable game, but we are sure it was an innocent one and it should not be made out to be something that it wasn´t. Bar in mind, the ex wife has said my son having ADHD iks a bigger issue. this woman asked her child to be moved class at school because one of the kids had Aspergers. She thinks special needs are contageous
The problem is that you and
The problem is that you and DH are letting someone else tell you how to live. This person doesn't pay your bills and doesn't live in your home. That should stop now.
DH will say "I don't want to upset her she controls if I see my child". NO courts do that. She doesn't. Time to put your foot down.
BM WOULD NEVER TELL ME I CAN'T BE IN MY HOME
Your boyfriend's actions are
Your boyfriend's actions are speaking louder than anything. I'm sure you feel very vulnerable and lonely, but you deserve so much better. This situation is perfect for BM. She gets to be "married" without being married. She knows exactly how to manipulate your BF...he's like a puppet on a string. Has he talked to anybody about his current rights to see his child? This will never change because he doesn't have the stones to stand up to BM. Move out of your home and remove all traces????? I would move out alright...right back to where I came from. You are way down on the priority list with this man. The only reason to stay there, at this point, is if you choose to. As I've said many times before, a therapist told me, "We teach people how to treat us". BF is teaching BM that he is a doormat and you are teaching BF the same thing.
What do you think moving to a hotel teaches your child? To me, it looks like you are doing something wrong that needs to be hidden. He may not totally understand this, but a seed is planted. How in the world will he ever feel any security? Is this the male role model you want your son to have? It's time to start making some good decisions for your child. Living in this situation, IMHO, is not a good decision.
you´re right. I guess I just
you´re right. I guess I just felt like i had to give him space and time to sort out his divorce without me putting pressure on him, but I se from all these responses that I am just being a doormat rather than being supportive. I also believe she is very clever, and knows what she is doing. she has even offerred him to stay at her place at weekends if it would help save hotel bills!
She knows EXACTLY what she is
She knows EXACTLY what she is doing. She knows she has total control over her household and yours. Offering for him to stay at her house??? NO NO NO NO NO...BAD BM BAD!!
EXACTLY!! The BM in my case
EXACTLY!!
The BM in my case did the same thing and GG (the biodad I live with) made the HUGE mistake of cowtowing to her.
He lost respect in everyone's eyes, including mine AND he ended up losing his three children to Parental Alienation Syndrome. see link: http://www.paawareness.org/
And sarahjane, the BM in your case is a PASinator extraordinaire, not unlike the "Behemoth" (BM in my case) I can tell you if you want to live a life of sheer hell and misery, then dive right in with this guy who will put you and your son DEAD LAST!
I must say that I find this
I must say that I find this whole story highly suspicious. However, I do not wish to badger, so that is all I will say.
"My boyfriend is in the final
"My boyfriend is in the final weeks of a so far very amicable divorce. She decided the relationship was over, and after 3 sexless and loveless years where she withheld all affection and refused to discuss her reasons, he finally asked her if she wanted to divorce. She jumped at the chance and moved out a few days afterwards with very little fuss. She never gave any explanation, but suspicions are that she was seeing someone else (that she is still seeing). They came to an amicable divorce agreement, where he essentially gave her their house, the child support she wanted and primary custody of their 5 year old son with him to visit 3 weeks a month. My boyfriend adores his son, and losing contact every day has come close to breaking his heart."
Doesn't "amicable divorce" mean BOTH parties are happy? Of course SHE is happy...she's getting everything she wants. I don't know why your situation is bugging me so much. I'm reacting very strongly to it.
Well, he is a very gentle
Well, he is a very gentle person, and he said they were more like roomates than lovers, so all he wnated was a peaceful divorce, where he knew his son was provided for. He has no bitterness over her seeing someone else, and says he only wants her to be happy. He calls it the perfect divorce, and wants to maintain the staus quo. I think he is very close to her family (they lived next door) and doesn´t want any drama. I understand he has to grow some balls though. I realise she has it all her way.
Well I appreciate all of your
Well I appreciate all of your answers. I expected when I posted this for a lot of people to tell me that I needed to be patient and give it time, but I see all the responses are actually the opposite.
I do know it sounds a certain way, but if you met us we´re not crazy people. this is the first relationship I have had for six years. I don´t jump in with my eyes closed. I have known this man all my life (we were friends) and I trusted him with every bone in my body.
Yes, I probably moved too fast. Yes, I have made mistakes. I see it now more clearly after reading what you all have to say. I suppose divorce is difficult. Iis hard to blend families, and from what I read on this forum....ex wives are usually unpleasant.
I will start thinking about what I can do to move on from this. Thank you for helpign me clear my head. I had felt that I was being selfish and demanding and asking him to choose ME over his son, but perhaps I am only asking him to choose ME over his ex wife.
Thank you so much for being
Thank you so much for being kind. I hve actually done that, and refused to leave the house for the past 4 weeks. He goes to hotels or to his parents. it still means I am here alone, which isn´t what I signed up for.
I am very worried that in leaving, I am sending the message to my son that this is HIS fault in some way. the worst of it is, this man is such a good Stepfather to my son, and my son wants to live with him, loves it here and loves his new life.
I will find the strength though.
thank you
Your son shouldn't view it as
Your son shouldn't view it as his fault. Explain that some grownups have some growing up to do, that is all.
BF is setting a dangerous precedent by cowtowing to the BM. And this is a HUGE red flag telling YOU to get out NOW! Save your own son from having to live with "ye olde double standard" when your BF starts overexamining YOUR child, whilst letting HIS child do whatever he pleases for the sake of "not making waves with the BM" (TM)
I think you'll find this article VERY interesting: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lauren-howard/the-myth-of-the-amicable-_b_...
There's no such thing as an "amicable divorce" period.
So in your BF's case, to keep his divorce being "amicable" he has to suck it up and give in to every whim of the BM. Not healthy and certainly not "amicable" by any stretch of the imagination.
He is NOT ready for an adult relationship and should stay single until his son is off and on his own (usually nowadays about age 26 the way modern parents coddle and baby their children)
RUN, girl, RUN!!!
OH and here is the checklist
OH and here is the checklist for guilty daddy (which your BF is obviously turning into if not fully already)
1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)
2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?
3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habis, eating habits, bedtime habits?
4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)
5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?
6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?
7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern
8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?
9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?
10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?
11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.
If you can answer YES to ANY of these questions, get your sneakers ready to go.
Do you know your man's FINANCIAL situation? Do you know if he has massive left over marital debt? How high is his CS obligation? Have you seen the divorce decree or mediation agreement. Does it seem overly slanted in BM's favour?
Love and "understanding" simply does not cover it all. Especially in the case of stepmom is supposed to be "understanding" when all of her money goes to household expenses b/c almost all of biodad's money goes to CS.
How long would you be willing to float biodad should he lose a job and have massive CS obligations?
There are many other considerations as this type of relationship is not to be taken lightly.
None of these things seem to
None of these things seem to fit, except he does spoil his son and does find it hard to say no. Financially, he walked away with his car paid off, and a loan. she got everything else. They owned 2 houses. He pays 10% to her for CS, although she is independently wealthy. Yes it is slanted in her favour, but he said he has a responsibility to support his kid. I like that about him.
Financially we are fine though, as we both earn well.
More than one, RUN! What
More than one, RUN! What about the "Not making waves with the BM for the sake of the child?"
That's at LEAST 3.
And skid rubbing his behind in your son's face? (lack of manners, etc.)
That's four.
Denial is not a river in Egypt.
IF he should lose his livlihood, would you be willing to pay the BM CS without any resentment? You mention she is well off. That WOULD cause any person to teem with resentment.
Do not move in with this man or allow him to move in with you!! Stay separate until the divorce ends, all the financial ends have been tied up, observe how he parents from a distance.
Thank you xx
Thank you xx
Oh Sara, good luck. What a
Oh Sara, good luck. What a hard situation to find yourself in.
I agree with everyone else that the BM way out of hand. I would never have let her tell me to leave my home. He really needs to grow some balls. Otherwise your life is going to be a nightmare. Unfortunately his son is very young and she will be in the picture forever. You seem like a really nice person, You dont deserve to have him treat you like this. Like I said good luck.
An update for you all. All
An update for you all. All your posts gave me the balls to talk to my BF more strongly, and he said he didn´t realise how wrong he was, and that he felt letting her calm down was the best thing to do. He has gone to see her right now to lay it on the line and stand up to her! Thanks for giving me the strength to see things were not right. It´s hard to see situations clearly when you´re in the middle of it. I know he is a good man, and I know he loves me and not her, but you all made me see he was making the wrong choices
I hope it works out the way
I hope it works out the way you want it to. Just remember, actions speak louder than words. He may realize what he's doing is wrong, but will he have the guts to stand up to her? Time will tell. I hope he does! Please keep us updated!
I really do hope your bf
I really do hope your bf starts to find his feet and balls when it comes to dealing with his ex, for everyones sakes.
When you state your bf is exemplary, he isnt. I am sure he is perfectly lovely however allowing his ex to make crazy demands which cause you stress, unhappiness and inconvenience is putting her first. As sorry her excuse that its for their son's sake is bullshite. Let me warn you, after much hell from my DH's ex my DH, like yours, allowed the BM to control our home, what we did on weekends, she could say or act however she wanted with no outcome as DH was too scared to say anything because he didnt want to lose his son. He got accused of putting me before ss - which was a hoot because I was constantly put last - but these types of BM's will say and use anything in order to get THEIR way - DH gave BM everything she ever demanded, her way, the whole shebang. You can imagine how that made me feel, however did that make BM happy?!!! Nope. She got crazier, more abusive and demanding, she was unhinged! This is what will happen to you if your bf doesnt get a grip.
Google emotional adultery, thats whats happening between your bf and his ex - show him some articles on this.
Oh and when he cried and said it felt like he was having to choose between you and his ex - YES, his ex IS making him choose and who exactly IS his partner now?!! His ex is just that, an ex, and she is that for a reason.
I would encourage bf to get that divorce sorted asap, and keep a note of all interactions with BM, the crazier the better. So keep all emails, VM, messages because he needs to pursue access through court in order to minimise this game playing - my DH didnt and now he doesnt see his son!
You need to woMAN up, he's
You need to woMAN up, he's taking advanage of your kindness & the BM is getting a kick out of it & trying to use the SS to run your life with your boyfriend & it's not right, you dont deserve that. STAND UP for your relationship & household!!!!
.Trust me.
you will soon resent your SS if this doesnt stop....
Simple...oh my...here it
Simple...oh my...here it goes...
1. you do not move in with someone who is not divorced, that's asking for trouble
2. you do not take your son away from his family because the person you want to be with doesn't want to be away from his son, ie. you put your DHs needs and HIS child's needs ahead of YOUR SPECIAL NEEDS CHILD? NO. So it's NOT ok for your BF's child to be away from HIS family but it is ok for your SPECIAL NEEDS SON? NO.
If I were you, I would be HAPPY AND THRILLED to keep my son away from his. Normal behavior? I don't think so.
He feels like he has to
He feels like he has to choose between you and the mother of his child? HELLO assbag - getting divorced - choice is made.
He is throwing you under a bus, and it will only get worse. Read through all the posts on this site - if this is happening now, it will only get worse. And just wait if he does try to put her in check - her demanding and game playing is going to be revved up 10 times over.
And what is packing up from your home doing to your son - you have more of an obligation to provide stability to him than appease your BF's soon to be Ex. You should not allow anyone to treat you like this.
Just went back and reread to make sure I understand - a life insurance policy he has just taken out, and it leaves something only to his son, with his ex wife as the sole trustee? HELLOOOOO This says what I already think you know, but I feel you just need a little encouragement to find the strength to do what you need to do.
You and your son deserve better. If his son is putting his butt in your son's face - God only knows what could happen next, even if you are telling them not appropriate. THAT IS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR.
You've repeated verbatim
You've repeated verbatim whatever it was your boyfriend told you about his marriage (i was going to say divorce, but he is married. Are you even sure he is legally separated? Have you seen paperwork?), which is obviously pretty skewed in his favor. She was cheating, but he has been in a long distance relationship with you for how long and is still married? "His marriage was over for years" but... it's actually not over. He is actually married right now. Marriages take a really long time to get over; it's not like he broke up with his girlfriend. This just screams rebound to me. It just doesn't make any sense. Sorry. Again, no offense. She has no right to tell you to leave, but lady if I was that man's WIFE, I wouldn't want my son to know daddy has a girlfriend either. And if any kid licked my ss6's butt, you can bet your ass they would never play together again. Why would you pick up your kid and your life to move to another country to be a married man's girlfriend? why would you ever do that? He has to choose between you and his wife? HELLO... mistress. Ok, so can I just repeat the main theme of my post, just one more time: HE IS MARRIED. I am so sorry for you. I hope you work everything out.
Hi! I have been reading over
Hi! I have been reading over this and thinking that I had problems!!! I am so sorry you are going through this! I have a similar issue myself. The thing is....The ex-wife just knows how to push the right buttons to scare the man into submission. I choose not to always look at it like "he is siding with her over me".....it is not necessarily that. His fears are just stronger than his backbone at this point. That doesn't mean that he doesn't love you.....and somewhere inside of him, you best believe that he is harboring all kinds of resentment and anger towards her for how she is controlling him with the fear of losing his son. He probably WISHES and DREAMS about telling her to "F-off" and stand up for you!!! My BF's daughter is 12.....and he already has issues with his ex talking crap every time the daughter comes here for the summer.....so he tries his best to maintain a friendly and civil relationship with the ex so that he can avoid the entire issue of trouble. The fact that she comes here for 8 weeks every summer IS court ordered.....but at the same time, things can go back to court and get disputed, so he wants to avoid this. He doesn't "SIDE" with her on everything.....but he also chooses not to "argue" with her and start negative feelings and emotions. But the thing is.....his daughter is with her mother every other day of the year!!! She can put anything into that child's head that she chooses! And when the CHILD speaks up in court after a certain age, the courts LISTEN! So, in order to maintain the peace.....he maintains a civil relationship. Sometimes, especially when our relationship was new, it seems like he is just "sticking up for" or "siding with" her. It actually caused quite a few arguments where I showed my ass over it!!! But I have gradually come to realize.....he does not love her, he loves me.....he is not siding with her, he just doesn't want to be the one to "rock the boat". I can see it now.....there is all kinds of resentment towards her for being able to hold this over his head, and I can just bet, when the children are over 18 and it no longer depends on what the courts say about how often he can see his daughter....he will eventually unload the anger for her. And one thing you should realize is that eventually the "hiding in your own hone" has to stop. When the courts are done setting up who gets what and how often the kids get to see their dad....you should no longer have to worry about it. She would have to prove harm to her child if she wanted to keep her child away from you or your child and that is harder to do than most people may think. I wish you luck!!...and hope it gets better!