Am I mad?!?
Hi everyone, I'm new here. It's great that there is a place like this for all of us who are in similar situations!
I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a year, although we've known each other for close to 4 years. He has been separated for over a year and divorced for a few months. He has 2 young sons from his previous marriage (which ended amicably).
Things are pretty good between us; I love him dearly, and there's nothing terribly wrong with his sons but I still have some issues. Sometimes I think I overreact with certain things, so I'd be happy for any opinions on the following:
1. He still refers to his ex as his 'wife' to people when I am right there. I know they were married for close to 10 years, but I've been his gilfriend for quite a while too. Granted, he has managed to correct himself in front of people by saying "sorry I mean ex-wife" but it still annoys me. It's usually when organising something for the kids so why not just say "their mother" or use her name?
I remind him that this can't continue since she's remarrying very shortly and most definitely will no longer be his 'wife'!
2. BM and her family most definitely spoil the 2 kids to the point where the youngest tells his dad every weekend that he doesn't like coming to our place because we "don't have enough toys" and they don't get enough lollies. BM who I thought was a bit of a health nut, gives the kids fast food most of the time because she's "so busy". What's worse, she promises the kids fast food on dad's time! I find it so infuriating.
3. There isn't any consistent discipline from either parent. My boyfriend is more strict than BM, but he's still inconsistent. The eldest can be a good kid, but he displays a lot of the signs of becoming spoiled. He has poor manners, butts into adult conversations (especially phone calls), has a meltdown and becomes rude when he doesn't get what he wants (not all the time, but a lot) talks
back, hits, repeatedly doesn't do as he's told, is careless with his plethora of toys. I can't buy anything for his birthday/Christmas without getting the "I've already got that." disappointment. BM buys them both toys at the drop of a hat, regardless of whether they deserve it or not. The youngest is also mimicking his older brother's bad behaviour.
4. We seem to have lost our 1 free weekend night per fortnight. We have had the kids all weekend every weekend since New Year. This wouldn't normally be a big deal, but we both work full time and rarely have a night out (where we don't have to get up early the next morning to go to work!). BM and fiancé have been to concerts, parties etc in this time despite their excuse of needing the weekends to "renovate".
5. BM is having another baby, so I'm sure we'll end up looking after the 2 kids more often (I'm sure the maintenance payments won't change though!). My boyfriend, without consulting me, offered to babysit BM's new child too to give them some "time to themselves". I feel like my needs don't matter. I also feel like exploding and saying "you wanted 3 kids, you deal with them!"
Wow, that's a lot, and i'm only just scratching the surface! It feels great to vent to someone other than my mother though 
yes, take it from experience
yes, take it from experience and from other posts i read on this board... establish your boundaries early. You need to set the groundwork NOW, so that you wont have these issues into your marriage. Tell him that there are certain boundaries that you need to set so that you can be incorporated into this family. Take it from me, my boundaries didnt come until after I dealt with all the heartache so I wish i knew then to set them before things escalated.
Your situation sounds a lot
Your situation sounds a lot like mine, especially during the time before my DH and I married. I felt like I had no control over my life because BM and DH (then boyfriend) called all the shots and basically intruded on my own life all the time.
On the promising fast food during dad's time point -- are you sure that the kids aren't just saying this to manipulate? It sounds a bit like something that my DH's kids used to do -- they'd always inform us that their mother said something we object to is "always" OK (for example, constant TV/video games). We just remind them that in our house, we make the rules. DH is the one who repeats this message to them so that I'm not the wicked stepmom -- I think you should get your boyfriend on board with that, because you all have to deal with the consequences of having the BM intrude in our personal life and it is bad for his kids to eat junk, of course.
Referring to the ex as his wife would drive me nuts. Hopefully this will end in time.
The discipline thing is tough -- my DH also has a hard time with it, and there appears to be no discipline at their mother's home. The results are the same -- they are generally good kids but they have bar manners (in our case, random high pitched screams out of nowhere in public, complaints of being bored constantly, talking back, ignoring requests). I'd say don't let him be rude to you (correct direct bad behavior by telling him it isn't acceptable) but let boyfriend do the real disciplining and just detach if you can't stand being around it. That seems to be the best solution for me, anyway. I just check out and do my own thing for a bit when they are over the top bad. It brings peace to me, and it leaves DH to deal with the behavior alone...I find that suddenly he is more willing to discipline them when he's dealing with them alone!
The lost free weeknight -- babysitter! Also, tell boyfriend that this is necessary and important and you want to be involved behind the scenes with the schedule. And the offer to babysit -- NO NO NO. Not ok. If that really happens, tell boyfriend that you won't be around to help. That is crazy and absurd, especially if you didn't consent to it.
Be tough. The way you manage stuff now will be the foundation for your future.
There is no way I would
There is no way I would allow my husband to babysit BM's 3 yr old son from her (now defunct) marriage. NO WAY NO WAY NO WAY NO WAY. The ONLY child I have to tolerate is the one he pushed in her and she pushed out.
I would have my DH's BALLS IN A VICE for that one. But we don't have that kind of relationship for that one. AND my DH would never, EVER pull that.
~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~
Woah woah woah... WHAT?!?!
Woah woah woah... WHAT?!?! To quote somebody here "Aw hell to the naw"! No way should he be offering to babysit BM's baby with a new man! I understand their divorce was amicable but that doesn't mean he needs to be her best friend, especially when it's clear that all she does it take.
The whole fast food thing would irritate me too. What she does at her house is her business but in no way shape or form should she be promising anything to happen at your house. Your BF has also got to make a conscious effort to NOT call her his wife. May I ask who's idea it was to end the marriage?
Your BM sounds a lot like mine - no discipline, buys the kids whatever they want, goes to concerts, etc etc. Even with all of that, mine seems to think that BF should give her money because she can't control her shopping.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
I agree with all of the
I agree with all of the above. Bringing the new kid into my house/adding the new kid to my list of chores...no way. Would not happen. Not acceptable at all.
And I agree with collegemommy -- the second time he calls his ex his "wife" in public I'd give him a strong, public correction PLUS the long chat.
Honestly, there seems to be something a bit off in the way your boyfriend deals with his ex. Did she leave him? It seems like he hasn't totally let go of feelings, given his willingness to pitch in and his forgetfulness about her new status as his EX.
Thanks for your replies
Thanks for your replies everyone. You've pretty much confirmed what I've been thinking, but just haven't completely addressed with him yet. Looks like I definitely need to!
I think it was mainly her call on the divorce, but he was happy with it too. They'd been having counselling since the eldest son was about 1, which tells me it was a stupid idea to have kid #2!
He is getting better at referring to me as his GF and actually letting people know that he is divorced. I think it will get better with time. I think he is so willing to help BM because he thinks it will somehow improve his relationship with his sons. Believe me though, I will be putting my foot down with BM's kid/babysitting thing. NO WAY. He can look after all 3 on his own for the weekend. Then maybe he won't offer again!
I do take time for myself also. If I want to spend time with my family and friends, I do. He's got no say on that one!
Thanks again everyone. I'll let you know how it goes.
Your BF is sooo wrong for
Your BF is sooo wrong for calling BM his wife. Accident or not! Why do men feel it's necessary to remind us that she used to be his wife by always saying "my ex-wife." I agree with you that he should say their mother or say her name. I would also tell him that you are his GF of one year and have earned the right to not have to deal with that s**t. I think he needs to correct that habbit real quick!
My FH spoils his D5 and it drives me crazy. She, like your SS talks over our conversations and it pisses me off when he just ignores that type of behavior and allows it to happen, or when he stops talking to me to listen to her bull s***t. All she is doing is trying to keep us from communicating. She is very mature for 5 and knows exactly what she is doing! Kids can be cunning manipulative creatures that need to be taught manners.