You? You do nothing. Her feelings toward you are clear. Let's hope she can be at least civil to you when she is around you.

It's up to your DH to handle. Your SD behaves like my SD, who knows exactly what everyone else should be doing. Now, I like SD just fine, but she's not in charge of ME. And she's no longer in charge of DH. We've gotten to the point where DH and I make our decisions, tell her (and all the kids), and if she's unhappy or wants us to do something else, too bad. DH has come a LONG way.

You are very fortunate that your DH told her from the start that his decisions aren't always about her. That's healthy. He needs to stick to that and she can like it or not.

You are very fortunate indeed, you have a husband who was a man and stood up for his wife.... My husband is a lot like Dadswife above, he so enmeshed he does anything they want, without consideration to me....he is scared to death of them, it is very pathetic.

I would give anything to hear my husband defend me to them, just once!

Well, at the end of the day, you are the one he is going to be with regardless. SD is being rude and childish; which we all do from time to time, but she may find herself in your shoes someday. Believe it or not that will make her appreciate you more than you know.

I hope I'm never in this situation, I will not simply find SO and say I'm waiting in the car....

I will look Aergia straight in the eye and say - you know what, I prefer spending my holidays with normal people and not with low class b!tches, don;t ever invite us again and do not expect an invite from us, this includes your father and I'm married to him not you so just get lost.... Oh I will make sure there's enough people to hear me....and I will record her attack on me in case SO corners me when alone....

Well, just let her figure it out. Ignore her going forward and make your plans and inform the kids- End of discussion. Take a holiday break and then see how you feel towards Christmas.

Your dh had an excellent response for her. "not about you" -- love it!

If only so many more dads could learn from your dh.

It's so simple: children don't own parents, normal adults don't want to be around people who treat them like garbage, and other normal people don't fixate obsessively on their daddies/mommies until the end of time.

What a lovely world it would be if people could just follow those three rules.

Take Away from this:  Set boundaries EARLY with your DH & SD.  Establish with both of them that you will only accept cordial respect from them or ANYONE.  Establish with your DH, way before you are married, that YOU are his queen and you will accept nothing less.  This is all about YOUR self-respect and expectations of others.  People only treat you the way you allow them to treat you.  You don't have to turn it into a fight.  Just be "matter of fact".  The second disrespect comes out of their mouth, firmly look them in the eye and stay "STOP".   This is short, quick, to the point, and ends all conversation until they check their attitude and disrespect toward you without you engaging in an argument.  If they mouth back at you, then calmly but firmly say "your disrespect really makes you look bad".  That turns it back on them.  They really don't care how "you feel" but they do care about "their looks".  If they continue to argue back, then disengage, walk away, or tell them to leave your home, THE END of conversation and not arguing.

Here's another thing....  I read a lot of people saying they expect their DH to fix the problem with "their children".  YOU need to personally establish that boundary with your DH, your stepchildren, and anyone you socialize with.  Your stepchildren will respect you if YOU expect them to and it comes directly from you.  To require your DH to fix the problem makes matters worse.  It gives the children the message that "everything was fine until YOU came into the picture".  "Daddy's rules and expectations of us changed when YOU came along."   Then why would they like you?  YOU changed their world. :) 

My Experience

As a newlywed, I have already faced direct disrespect from my 26 yo SD who has a masters degree and great job.  Her father and I were together over 5 years before getting married last month.  There were little issues directly between me and my SD at that time since she was away at college and the majority of our time was spent without her.  She has since moved back to her home town, near us, and where we are planning to build our new home.

While we were dating, I witnessed her curse her father over a simple question that did not warrant resentment let alone disrespect.  I talked to him privately and immediately established with him that I would not tolerate such disrespect and for him to expect me to correct her, leaving him with no surprises for the future.  I also hear her father and brother say repeatedly, "Well, that's just Bella!  That's just how she is!"  My response to that is, "Are you saying she has a mental problem and she needs help?  That she can't control this behavior?"

The main issue with her is that she is the ONLY granddaughter and her father has been divorced from her mother for 13 years.  Basically, her father had become "HER MAN" in a sick sense.  For example, he gave me a Tiffany bracelet for our first Valentines and the goal was each Valentines he would buy me a new charm.  Well, he also gave her the same bracelet.  Right then, I set the boundary that I was not his "other daughter" and I was not going to be treated the same as her.  I broke his heart and handed him the bracelet back and said: "this is for your daughter".  He buckled and apologized stating that he had only bought her one charm and that he would not buy her more charms.  I eventually accepted his promise and he has held true to his promise.

Recently, on a family vacation with all 4 of our children and their significant others, she rudely interrupted my conversation in mid-sentence and with an assertive/aggressive tone told me I was wrong and proceeded to correct me.  Before she could finish her sentence, I looked her firmly in the eye and said "STOP".  She opened her mouth again and started bragging about her education and extensive knowledge (as she always does).  Before she finished, I firmly said again "STOP!  The conversation ended when you turned on the disrespect, STOP!" 

I realize this is not the end of her disrespectful attitude, but I also realize that it is not directed at me and it is a habit that she has been allowed all of her life.  I don't respond to her as if I take it as a personal attack, it's not about me.  I do respond to her with the mindset that it is unbecoming of her, makes her look bad, and her hard work and education are diminished as soon as she displays her "look at me, I'm better than you attitude".   I don't expect her to break her habit immediately, I do expect her to speak to me like she has a masters degree and not as a spoiled child.  I expect more challenges, and I am prepared to react immediately.  Don't let it grow deep roots.  Nip it in the bud!

Why would you choose to be hurt by her toxic crap.  That is on her.  Water off of a duck's back and all.

Don't give her space in your head. Write her off until her behavior complies with reasonablness while going zero tolerance and full confrontation on her toxic crap.  Make a choice by her to be toxic a progressively misery inducing painful choice on her part then... bring the pain of baring her idiot ass immediately, publically, with the full facts of her crap for all to share in... regardless of who is present.

The elephant in the room is that, by marrying you, the inheritance is now yours by default, and SD gets nothing or only a portion if there is a will specifying such. Sometimes it's all about the money, and no matter who he married, the SD will be hostile. If your SD used to treat you ok, but as you got into your 60's she became increasingly hostile, the SD likely realized her inheritance is now going to you, or is significantly reduced. Same thing if SDs dad was giving her money whenever she asked, but now being married, he and you are saving for your old age needs, and the SD needs to earn her own way as she should have anyway as any life counsellor will say,

Driving you out of his life would re-establish her direct line to her dad's money.

The truth is that the money is earned by the dad and is not his daughter's. He and you love each other and want to provide for each other into old age, which a responsible spouse would do. The SD still has her youth, and is supposed to earn her own money and save it for her own old age. If her dad had not divorced, and her mom inherited all the money to see to her old age, would SD still feel the same way about her mother? Likely not. So to the SD, the principle of providing for one's spouse in their old age only counts if that surviving woman is her mother. There is nothing, nothing you can do to change her opinion if this is why she is disrespectful.

Also, some SDs equate receiving money from Dad as receiving love, which is sad and no basis for a healthy relationship.