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Visitation for crazy baby mama

Lavendarlulu's picture

Submitted by Lavendarlulu on Sat, 12/16/2017 - 9:18am

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Bio Child Free Zone

Sometimes I question if I were a horrible person in my past life to deserve all of this pain and misery? Currently I'm split on whether I will allow my live in step daughter to visit her Mother for the holiday. I feel we are screwed if we don't because our marriage has suffered and secondly I really need a break from her.
It seems my husband and I both want our own but he never initiates anything physical and we I try most times he has an excuse. His is the perfect soulmate otherwise.

My mother who has health issues needs a break from her & I feel guilty asking my Mom to help us with her every week. But, if we open the can of dealing with crazy bm and set up a visit she always come back to us with bad habits. I fear one day she may kill me and DH may even drug that off as her having a bad day. My DH has an excuse for every bad behavior of hers. Sadly although she is now a teen we can't trust her to stay home by herself. I have tried to get DH to have her visit his sister who lives out of town but nothing.
Now when she does something wrong ie talking to grown men on snap chat, fighting at school, in the past stabbing scissors in my furniture, breaking our glass dishes, he would blame it on her being just a kid or he'd act mad at her for like a day or hour then they'd go back to acting like a married couple themselves. Now that I think about it even when we began dating he said that the mother didn't want anything to do with the child and that she was out of the picture and that the child was heavily influenced by the mother, I was just in love and didn't see how this would impact my life every day. I have even tried till recently giving the Mom more opportunities To see her daughter in hopes that she'd keep her full time but we always get her back. My DH was never in a marriage with BM and I found court records of her dragging a couple of men to paternity court for another child she has by another man and they all said the same thing that anyone could be that child's father. I wonder why my DH wasn't smart enough to ask for a paternity test? The BM has also recently spread lies about me in FB saying some pretty hurtful things.
Need advice. Please help!

Thumper's picture

Submitted by Thumper on Sat, 12/16/2017 - 9:47am

I am sooooooooo confused with your post.

You wrote:
Currently I'm split on whether I will allow my live in step daughter to visit her Mother for the holiday.
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Ma'am, unless your name is on the court order YOU do not have say so. The court has offered and provided your dh and his x visitation schedule. IF dad is custodial he must have child ready to go. IF BM has visitation she can decide IF she wants to have the child or not. She does NOT have to take visitation ever.

IF dad believes his daughter is in danger he must go before a Judge and change the order.
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Next: You wrote,
I fear one day she may kill me and DH may even drug that off as her having a bad day

Ma'am if you are in fear for your life and your husband does not agree with the same fears it is time for you to leave your home for safety reasons.

Next about facebook,
FACEBOOK is like high school. Difference is now you don't have to attend. Stay away from reading posts you don't like.

Ma'am I can not underscore enough---you are not the bio parent. Unless I misunderstood your placement in this story. What do you mean YOU gave bm more opportunities...That is not up to you. ITS up to a court.

GoodLuck

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Sat, 12/16/2017 - 10:12am

"I fear one day she may kill me and DH may even drug that off as her having a bad day."

If you FEAR FOR YOUR LIFE why are you staying with this man. Soulmate or not, if you are afraid that your SD has the potential to do fatal harm, staying with this guy is stupid.

marblefawn's picture

Submitted by marblefawn on Tue, 12/19/2017 - 9:06am

I can't believe you are dumping this brat on your mum!!!! If you really fear for your safety, aren't you worried about your mum's safety? This relationship was your decision, not hers! Please rethink this, especially if she's ailing. She is not responsible for a another woman's kid she not even related to!

I get it - the kid is a nightmare. And husband is clueless. If you fear for your safety, just get out. This can't be helped...or maybe it can, but you might be dead before that ever happens. A stepson murdered his mom here last week. It was brutal and calculated and gruesome. I kept thinking of the women on this site who write about feeling unsafe.

Please be smart and take care of yourself. Neither you nor your mum deserve to live in fear like some abused wife fearful of her husband. Only you can take care of you.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Wed, 01/17/2018 - 2:32pm

My skank whore of a cavern crotched XW sounds much like your DH as far as the marital frigidity is concerned. Fortunately our very infrequent couplings did not result in a pregnancy and I was able to purge her from my universe after 2.5 years of nearly intimacy free marriage.

I always cringe when someone expounds on how perfect their "soul mate" is then includes some for of "other than that" in the comment. The "other than that" thing is rarely insignificant. Leaving the toilet seat up, not rolling the toothpaste up from the bottom of the tube, not replacing the empty role of toilet paper when they use the last of a role, setting the thermostat either too high or too low, not taking out the garbage when the can is full, etc, etc, etc... are tolerable "other than that" things. Lack of intimacy... nope. That is a HUGE deal breaker. As are lack of character, failure to parent effectively, failure to step up as an equity life partner, etc, etc, etc....

So, rethink your categorization of him under the "H(e) is the perfect soulmate otherwise." I sure would if I were you.

Good luck.