What is the source of my misery?
What is the source of my misery? I married my wife 4 1/2 years ago. With her came the SD, then 9, now 13. There were challenges but everything seemed manageable. We have added BD, now 2. The last year to year and a half have been the worst of my life and the best. I love my BD more than I ever thought possible. Everything else sucks.
The SD has hit her teens and is very difficult. Her mom wont discipline her at all and seems afraid of any confrontation. I am critisized for always being negative so I try and bite my lip on most occasions but I cant always and it always ends badly anytime I say anything about her inappropriate behavior. There is always an excuse from her mom for her.
The friction with my wife over SD issues became worse after BD was born. SD sees me being very affectionate and loving with BD so she doesn’t feel as loved. WTF? BD is my blood! I didn’t get to raise SD from a baby and bond with her on top of the fact that she isnt mine. BD isnt really in the picture. He is a once a year visit and a 2 minute phone call every few weeks. My wife thinks it hurts my SD that I am different with my BD.
On the outside, things look fine. My wife and I talk about different things, laugh at jokes, phone calls end in ILY, etc, but there is no intimacy at all. There is no sex, nothing physical at all. I feel so lonely in my marriage if that makes sense.
We are in counseling, but making no real progress. The counselor has told her my feelings for SD and BD are normal, and my attitudes and behavior toward SD are very paternal. SD was in counseling for awhile as well and the counselor told my wife that SD was spoiled, felt entitled to everything, and lacked personal accountability for anything. The counselors telling her these things really looked like it would help, but that faded quickly and returned to the dysfunctional ‘normal’ that they were.
Everything I fell in love with my wife is still there I think, buried under my frustrations, her distance, my SD teen angst… I just don’t know if its retrievable. If things were the same without my BD I am sure I wouldn’t stay.
When I look at the relationship I don’t see anything that I gain from it. Is looking at it that way simply selfish? Shouldn’t I still have some enjoyment in my life? Outside of my BD’s smile, there is nothing for me.
My wife is a stay at home mom since my BD’s birth. I do value that she can raise BD but she will need to return to work soon as financially we cant sustain much longer.
She stays home, SD goes to Catholic school. We live in a much too large home. I am home every night and weekend. I don’t play softball, golf, go out with the guys, etc. I cant afford it even if I wanted to.
So what do I get in return? Unhappy wife and SD. Can someone tell me what else I should expect other than nothing?
I really feel like I am beginning to fall apart. How much longer before I crack?
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Just my opinion
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
Why does your wife expect you to act the same towards SD13 and BD2? No one treats a toddler and a teen the same-their needs are totally different.
Sounds like you need to get out a bit and enjoy some time off. I don't suggest the bar scene, if you're feeling down in your marriage, that'd be a big mistake. But go play cards or something with some of your guy friends. Everybody needs a break. Something to look forward to.
Does your wife know how you feel? That you are miserable and only staying because of BD?
It's strange to me how spouses with children can treat the steps. In my mind, providing for, raising someone else's child (whether it be full time or EOW or whatever) is the most selfless act, the most giving thing of all. And yet, many of the birth parents seem to just take it for granted, show no appreciation, in fact, treat the steps as tho they have no rights where the skids are concerned. It baffles me.
Both children are my wife's
Both children are my wife's so I think she just doesnt understand not feeling the same to both. Sometimes I also think she lives in fantasy land. Ive said the same thing about interactions with a toddler vs a teen being very different. She just cant seem to get past it.
My wife doesnt know how unhappy I am, but she knows I am not happy and very stressed about our relationship. Ive mentioned not knowing how much more I can take. I stay also with the hopes of recapturing what made us so good together but has gone missing. I know I cant live this way for years to come.
HA!
My Dh and I just had this arguement yesterday. I dont think they fully understand that you cannot possibly be expected to treat every kid the same even if they share your DNA. Every child has a different personality and way about them. I get along better with my youngest BS than I do my oldest BS. This doesn't mean that I dont love him, it just means that we differ in our communication patterns. They both still get treated the same as far as my love for them. My SD's are a completely different story. I used to love them with all my heart and I put all my heart and soul into them every chance I got. However, over time and with a BM that was forcing the PAS, my relationship with them has taken on a very different tone.
My DH does not understand why this is. Well, when you get stepped on repeatedly, eventually you get tired of it and move on. I now put my energy into my sons, who DO appreciate what I do for them and love me for it as well.
I just don't think bio parents get it sometimes. I would say that if you are getting nothing from the counseling, you need to find another one. Have you told your wife everything you just put in the post? IF not, try that....she may respond differently. I would also try to find my own counselor seperate from the marital one. Good luck!
I am trying to let my wife
I am trying to let my wife know about the depth of my feelings a little bit at a time over the sessions with the counselor. I think the entire thing would be too much for her at once. She would take it as a complete rejection of her and SD.
I am definitely considering a counselor for myself, but there is a limit what insurance will cover and what I can afford. Finances are another source of concern without adding even more. Maybe when she goes back to work…
I totally understand
the insurance/copayment stuff. I found a counselor that would work with me about payments. He was cool like that....maybe you could "shop" around?
Is it possible you are feeling used?
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
Does your Sd's father pay child support? Or are you the only financial support for the entire family, including your SD?
And I'm sure your wife is feeling very defensive of her daughter, because of the actions of the father. She is probably expecting you to take all the slack, put salve on the emotonal wounds her daughter is feeling from lack of attention from the birth father.
And there is no way my feelings for the skids is even close to the love I have for my sons. At one time, I thought I could love my skids-but not any longer. Not after all the garbage I've gotten back for the efforts I made. But even if they were adorable little darlings, I would not feel the same about them as I do my own. I would be able to love them, yes, but not with the "I will die for you" love I feel for my sons.
Your wife seems to need a reality check. There's a saying that women need love to have physical intimacy, men need physical intimacy to feel love (thanks Dr. Phil). Perhaps she needs to sit back and think, really think, about all that you bring to the plate for her daughter, who is not your child.
BD does pay support. That
BD does pay support. That money maybe covers her tuition. The amount hasnt changed in 10 years.
I would say you are dead on about my wife looking for me to take up the slack and salve the emotional wounds. I seem to not be living up to unattainable expectations and paying the price
I sooo agree with that
statement about living up to "unattainable" expectations. I think a lot of stepparents feel this way. I wish I knew a solution to this problem as it would help soooo many here!
Well, you could turn the tables and act like some of the
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
infatuated fathers (my H included), spoil the skid rotten, and blame your W for anything the kid does wrong :evil: - No, please do not do that-I was just kidding!!!
Everything else aside, no matter what you do for your skid, it won't make up for her birth fathers slights. And it's totally unfair of your wife to expect that of you. She's the one who chose to have a child with him, not you.
If your wife is a reasonable woman, you need to let her know how much resentment is actually building up in you. If your counselor hasn't helped with that, perhaps you do need a different one. We're all feeling the financial strain (you mentioned your house being waay too large) right now, and it tests the best of relationships. Throw in all the baggage that comes with skids, guilt parenting, and a step parent who feels the joy of life has disappeared, and you've got a receipe for disaster.
I like our counselor. I see
I like our counselor. I see what she is doing and working towards. I think another couselor would be no better and we would loose a lot of ground starting with someone new. It may be necessary though if nothing improves. I dont think a new one will change anything but it may be needed.
When we started counseling my wife thought I had all the problems and issues. After the first couple months she felt attacked and accused of being a bad mom, which wasnt at all the case. She thought we were going in to talk about my problems and it ended up being a lot of what her expectations were and they not being fair or realistic. Her family thought our counselor was terrible based on conversations my wife had with them. I think we wasted a few sessions so she wouldnt feel attacked and understood the reality. The couselor changed tactics after that trying to balance things more. My wife has a way of seeing things where I am concerned in the worst possible light and makeing those the way it is. She has severe trust issues, I just never realized how deep they are.
I have my own issues and things I need to do better too to be a beter husband and father so we spend half our time on me and what I need to be doing. She is always in a better mood when we discuss my faults. I suppose thats normal?
I really want this to work, Im just loosing hope that it will.
Counseling
"When we started counseling my wife thought I had all the problems and issues...She thought we were going in to talk about my problems and it ended up being a lot of what her expectations were and they not being fair or realistic."
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This could be exactly why couples counseling could be a long and hard road for you guys. Her expectations that it is YOU that has the problems.
It is very unusual to see someone in your position, MSloan, that is, a HUSBAND who is his wit's end with an overindulging, guilt-parenting, rose-colored glasses, head-in-the-sand WIFE.
If you have spent any time reading these boards, you must see that you are an abberation and it is usually the dad who has no clue in how to parent his "Precious Princess".
But regardless, it all comes down to the parent of the child who holds all the power for positive change. And the sad thing is, that with effective parenting, most of these "challenging" behaviors that you describe with your SD can easily be brought under control.
But your wife clearly isn't ready to do it. She's not ready to accept that it's her responsibility. She's playing the "blame game"- the "poor me" game- the victim card. And that's helping no one, least of all, your SD.
And until SHE'S ready to accept her role in this parenting game and change HER behavior to help HER daughter...you are unfortunately fighting an uphill battle.
I have done the "couples" counseling route, the individual route, gone to a "Parenting Coach"....and I might as well flushed my money down the toliet. Thousands of dollars wasted. And why? Because the problem wasn't ME!
It was my DH. And his unwillingness to admit that what he was doing (the guilt-parenting, the overindulging, the allowing of blatant disrespect, no consequences for bad behaviors, and basically "free reign for his 3 "Princesses") was causing havoc in our home. And unless HE was willing to put an end to it, I was helpless.
Something to consider. I wish you luck.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Thanks for your insite. I
Thanks for your insite. I have noticed that I am a rare male on this site. I think it may be tied to the fact that many men wont type out their problems and look for some kind of help, more than the existance of other step dads in need of such help.
My wife's problem is she cant see that SD's behavior is so inappropriate and that she is only helping it fester. She cant stay on a course of action when she sees its needed.
My SD is a good hearted girl but she is a young child even at 13 and like all children learn how far they can control and manipulate a parent. She is also very smart and knows how to push mommys buttons. SD knows and resents that the same thing doesnt work on me at all. Thus I dont care about her.
Sometimes it feels hopeless.
i completely agree w 5teens
ur wife needs to see that her behaviors need to change and until she does, ur going to have an uphill battle. 5teens said it perfectly. unfortunately, i dont know how youre going to do that if the counselor wasnt able to break thru
maybe another counselor would help?
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Maybe you should should
Maybe you should should write a list of each of your expectations for your marriage & the kids & then go over them one by one & come to a compromise on each. Write down the compromise & try to stick to it. Its a good way to get everything out on the table & open up the lines of communication. It also encourages the use of "I" sentences instead of "you" sentences, which make the defensive mechanisms kick in. For example, she expects you to treat both kids the same. Maybe a one on one activity with SD, like playing a board game or watch a movie together, once a week will help appease her. I know you don't feel the same for each kid, but you pretty much are her only steady father figure & it probably breaks your wife's heart to see one of her children feeling under-loved. You guys should write out a list of rules you expect SD to abide by & both of you enforce them. Agree to be consistent. Just try and tackle each issue you both write down.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"