Stepkids, depression, and medication
I've been with my SO for 13 years. I look back on those early years as an absolute living hell that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I was even in a mental health outpatient facility for two weeks during that time, and you know what? I never left. I didn't do what I should have for all involved, especially ME. I was in my early 30's, recently divorced (key word), and fell for a guy who seemed like everything I ever wanted...except he had two kids. I suffered (and accepted) abuse in many forms because I couldn't (and still can't) give up.
Most things discussed on the Bio Free Zone fit how I feel at any given time. So, for about eight years I was on an anti-depressant. I never wanted to be medicated, but since I wasn't changing and neither was the situation, I had no choice. I weaned off the pills for nearly a year until two months ago I reduced the dose to nothing. Since that time I've had MAJOR depressive episodes. SS20 came over yesterday and I stayed locked in my room for hours sleeping and crying and sleeping some more. SO told me a few days before that he was taking SS15 on a 12-day backpacking trip in July, and BOOM, down for the count. Our last full week vacation was ten years ago next month, but he can take his lil' darling on a nearly $2k trip without so much as asking me. If I say anything, I am the evil one.
No one but you, my virtual family, really understands. SO blames me for everything because I haven't accepted "HIS kids", and that it "isn't a competition," or "here we go again, another Thursday before the SS arrives and you're having a breakdown," or "we can't have kids because it isn't fair to my kids and you will treat them differently." Now, I contemplate going back on the meds to get through the Groundhog Day movie that is my life. I get it. I live it and could leave but that's complicated too, so quit b*tching, right?
I think that depression, medication and stepkids goes hand in hand. I can say it isn't worth the pain. I think I need to try (very hard) to live in the moment, because the minute I look ahead to the next week or month, I am seriously depressed again.
hg
There is nothing wrong with taking medicaiton for depression.
Depression can be a biological issue or an issue of life circumstance or a combination of both. If you had diabetes you would take medication for it. So why not take medication if your depression is biological? If you are having major depressive episodes you probably do need medication to feel normal. Sleeping more than normal and crying are signs of depression.
Research has shown the medication works better with therapy. It sounds like some therapy would help you understand why you stay in an abusive situation. Maybe you will find the strength to leave - or at least come up with coping strategies.
Hang in there and realize that while you are depressed it colors how you look at everything. Try and get in a better place emotionally and then maybe you can figure out what you need to do to make your life better.
So, it sounds to me that you will be booking into Canyon Ranch
spa for two weeks in July.
https://www.canyonranch.com/
Pick the one that appeals to you and go.
Time to start living your life instead of tolerating the lives of your SO and his children. That doesn't mean that you have to end the relationship, but, neither does it mean that you have to medicate yourself into numbness just to be able to tolerate the decade and a third of depressive existence that you have been living.
Do not discuss this with your SO, just TELL him that you are disappointed that it has been 10 years since the two of you went on a vacation while his investment into a trip or trips with his children are extensive. Again, don't discuss, TELL.
Then enjoy your two weeks of luxurious pampering. Then let him go Hmmmm when he sees your radiant and relaxed glow when you return.
I would rather live my life with joy and let the SO chew on the change than continue what you have been suffering through for the past decade plus.
Take care of you.
On depression
For most of my life I couldn't tell you I had ever been depressed. Until a few weeks ago.
Having not experienced debilitating anxiety/depression before it was shocking. It was three days of gut wrenching emotional pain. Or at least that is the best description I can peg it with.
I am ashamed of what it was concerning. It seems petty even to me and I am the one who experienced it. Fortunately I was with the people who both love me the most and have no issues applying a foot to my backside when I shove my head up my own butt. My wife was very concerned as were my parents but... they didn't let it stand for long without confronting me about some of the things they were seeing. I never want to experience that again..... ever.
Take care of you and I hope that you have the support of some people who love you and want the best for you.
Thank you for the comments
Thank you for the comments and insight. It is truly invaluable.
I agree with getting out and doing my own thing. I haven't flown for ten years but recently enrolled in a fear of flying course so I can start seeing and experiencing things again.
I wholehearted agree that my SO is emotionally unavailable and his gaslighting has created a toxic environment, especially when the SS15 is around. He is even a good kid! For instance, if I say to SO that I'm tired cooking and ask if he could put something together, he'll say he is tired of hearing me complain about cooking and then will go down the days of the week telling me when I cooked and when I didn't. Therefore, what do I have to complain about since I don't cook often anyway?! There is no winning, no getting your point across, no defense of your feelings. It's hell trying to stop the madness.
Have any of you every felt worse after talking to a counselor? It has been some time since I have been (based on my crappy health insurance) but I would leave many times in tears. I think accepting "what is" can be devestating.