Get out. (I say that knowing that it's not that easy) 

I am turning 39 in a couple weeks, and I have also not been able to have kids with my DH...but am expected to care about his 3. It's the worst kind of pain and so incredibly difficult.

My DH does listen to me, and I love him. In general, we have a good time together. However, I can't help but notice that everything "cuts his way" if that makes sense. He's gotten better about it, but I think he still unconsciously assumes that his schedule, his priorities, and his self-actualization matter more because he has kids. 

Like...if I'm unhappy in my job, big whoop. I'm one person. But if he can't figure out "what he wants to be when he grows up" then it impacts him and his kids...and he acts like it's a huge tragedy. 

Sorry. Probably not making sense. I'm just dealing with approaching 40 as a childless woman while my DH talks ad nauseum about all the ways that life has disappointed HIM (which boils down to...he hasn't made it, yet, in an incredibly difficult and speculative career field. He didn't get to do his highly impractical dream job...though he did get to pursue it for 10 years on my dime and his parents' dime. Oh the horror, apparently.) It's a roller coaster with a new existential crisis every week. Meanwhile, we rarely if ever talk about what I want out of life. 

(((( hug to both of you)))

There is no need to sacrifice yourself on the alter of SParental martyrdom and forego having loving people in your life.  I have no biospawn and I have many people who love me and that I love.  Parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, my former SKid now adopted, my incredible bride and many friends.  

Set the expectations of how you will allow and demand that others treat you and tolerate nothing less.  If the people currently in your life are too toxic and shallow to get that.... replace them with people who will value you as much as you will value them and value yourself.

Take care of you.

You are right that it is an awful pain.  As human beings, we need to feel like we belong to a tribe.  When that tribe is in our own home and we are ignored, it's awful.

I went through the same thing with the skids.   For more than 14 years, I had hoped that at least we could be friendly and it would be something I could look forward to as SO and I aged.  Never happened. 

SD28 has never been and never will be interested in me.  She is an incredibly self-absorbed person and had zero interest in me as a person - still doesn't even though she is well into adulthood and is married.  Until a couple of years ago, she didn't even know what my last name was!  I had been with her father for more than 10 years at this point.

I am now into my sixth decade.   Aside from not having my own children, I've also come to accept that I will never have a relationship with my SO's daughter.   For awhile, especially during her teen years, I held some hope that she would outgrow it and we might get to know each other better as she matured.  Well, that will never happen.

Now she is on the verge of motherhood herself and it wouldn't surprise me if any day now she announces she's pregnant.  I know my SO is not a baby person, per se, but I know he will certainly be welcomed as "grandpa" and will eventually relish that role, as he should.  Once again, I will be on the outside looking in.  

The best thing to do is disengage.  Do it slowly and surely, without any big announcements to your DH. Spend your time and emotional energy on people who WILL appreciate having you in their lives.  I remember when I was young, in my 20s and single, and I volunteered at a local nursing home, visiting residents.   It was one of the most rewarding things I've done.  

One of the things I learned there was that having children didn't mean that you would be guaranteed a life filled with people who cared about you.  There were MANY women there whose adult children rarely visited - either because of distance or disinterest.  So when I would walk in the room to visit, it was amazing how welcome I felt and how they lit up just to have someone to talk with for awhile.  Although it might have only been for a short while, we made a connection with each other.

I heard remarkable stories about what their lives were like at the turn of the century, during war, during the Depression, etc.  They enriched me so much.  And they educated me at a young age that having children is no guarantee that your life will be better for having done so.

Go out and find your own place to be emotionally enriched.  You won't ever find it in your skids.  Even if it's only for moments in your life, the connection you make with others will be invaluable.  

I wonder if, as your SS ages he may start to be simply more engaging as a human, hopefully that will happen and you will feel more cared for. In the meantime you may just want to put up more boundaries to safeguard your heart. The reality may be that if you had chosen another "life" so-to-speak, you might still technically be alone. But nothing feels more lonely that being rejected by those you care for.  My SSs were both curious about me, the younger asked me many questions about my education (he is very into academics) and my older SS is just a good listener (like his dad). I have talked to my older SS a great deal about my mother, who passed away about 8 years ago. Reading your post makes me realize how lucky I am to have stepkids that were interested in stuff like that, even as teenagers. 

I'm 50, childless by choice, no regrets. I never wanted to 'parent' my SKIDs. I just wanted to be part of their support system. But just because I'm ready to give, doesn't mean they're ready to receive. The rejection is heartbreaking. Now I have to make decisions that divide us instead of joining us just to guard my heart. 

Stepparenting isn't for sissies. 

Im 47 and I think this site had made me aware of things that Id never even thought about... like... what happens when SD27 gets married? What about engagement parties? Weddings? GRANDKIDS??? WTF is going to happen to my life then?? Im always going to have life events that have nothing to do with me and not really welcome in, that will be thrust on me whether I lke it or not. I hate feelong this way. I know Im not going to want to get involved with kids, but my SO will want to be a big part of their lives im sure.... how is this going to work out?? 

Im always torn between feeling Ineed to work on our relationship and showing its an unbreakable union, to feeling like I should just get out now before too much time goes and I get any older myself!! Its a horrible way to live...but Im still with my partner.. we keep getting back together and find it really difficult to be apart so I dont know what else to do...

Sometimes I worry that this site is a blessing AND a curse... because now I think that everything that has happened to others will no doubt happen to me... am i being paranoid and over cautious now?? I dont know..