Annoyed by a 4 year old??
So aside from hating being thrown face first into the SM role, and being expected to play mommy when I have no children of my own, I am finding myself increasingly irritated and pissed off by small things that SD4 does. Yes, she is 4. That is what worries me...I find a 4 year old irritating beyond tolerance and keep leaving the room or finding excuses to run to the coffee shop or grocery store just to get away from it. She's clumsy and breaks things, falls randomly and has a hissy fit, drops things, spills drinks, etc... She was over recently, and was sitting on the couch. Not paying any damn attention as usual, she kicks her feet out and sends her drink and my coffee flying. Stuff like that. Aside from this, she is a really good little girl, tries to be polite, says please and thank you.... Yet she irritates me to no end! Even the mention of her name annoys me. If she were a teen anger I could see why I'd be so aggravated, but I'm usually extremely tolerant with children, understanding that they're people too. Gah!!!
Am I being ridiculous? DH and I are going through a lot of crap right now, including me moving out on July 1st, because he needs space and time to gain perspective or whatever the f*ck. maybe I'm feeling like I need to distance myself? I just feel like an ass for being so so annoyed by a 4 year old. there's a lot more to the story, some of which is in my other post, titled "so tired of being #3"...... Advice needed, harsh or gentle, lay it on me.
I could have written this
I could have written this post myself!! I have a 5 year old SD who annoys the CRAP out of me! Just like you said, even hearing her name sends a chill up my spine. DH has her every other week and the night before we get her, I am just filled with dread and it doesn't let up one bit until she is gone. I just want her out of my house. I seriously can't stand her. Only difference is, I never liked kids (yeah I know I married a man with a kid.. shit happens). You say you normally are very tolerant with children so maybe you feel some kind of resentment toward the skid? If your DH paying the skid more attention than he's paying you? Do you feel like the other woman when she's around? I feel that way a lot of the time and I know that contributes to my feelings toward SD.
Does your man pay a lot of
Does your man pay a lot of child support to the skid's mother? That's where a lot of my resentment for my skids came from.....being in a constant financial bind because they existed.
Yeah DH pays a lot of child
Yeah DH pays a lot of child support, and it leaves us quite broke, despite our decent income. Because of our upcoming separation, I did up a budget for just me, and for just him, and I'm going to be able to get some savings going, where he will be in the negative. I guess that's his issue for the time being until we eventually get back together, but it's a welcome break, that's for sure! I should not be broke, but have carried his enormous debt because of his poor choices, including giving his ex wife way too much money from the equity in their home which we had to remortgage to buy her out, and loans and credit cards, etc.... I'm paying for it emotionally and financially and I am so sick of it.
As for feeling like the other woman, absolutely! Everything revolves around SD and if I don't feel up to playing along DH gets moody with me and makes it my fault. He seems to insist that I love his kid, and feels I should dedicate my weekends to her whenever she is around. If I dare to say I'm going to a friends, or whatever, he gets a pouty look on his face and is upset about it the rest of the week. It would be so great if he realized I am not her other mother. Ugh!
I hate how we're
I hate how we're automatically expected to love kids that aren't ours!
It's hard because on the one
It's hard because on the one hand, kids all have stages. At this age they ask a lot of questions, are clumsy, throw temper tantrums (which accomplishes WHAT exactly???), demands things, forgets manners, etc. That is all a part of growing up and developing and we all did these things (to some degree) at those ages. But, on the other hand. I, too, have an SD4. And holy mother of god does she drive me NUTS. I think most of that though, is that I am not the one who gets to discipline. DH is wonderful in that if I put her time out he leaves her there. But otherwise? Nada. I don't get to make her stand with her nose the corner for kicking me in the shins on purpose, or spank her because she spit in my face and thought it was funny. I don't get to yell at her for asking me the same damn question 20 times in a row JUST FOR THE SAKE OF DOING IT.
The anger/resentment I feel towards her, I know deep down, isn't really about her at all. I feel out of control of the situation (which I NEVER have done well with) and I don't get to call the shots. And all the while I am selfishly thinking "if I have a child I am not doing it that way" or "I will do ___ instead and my child will be an angel." The bottom line is that I just don't know that would be the case. I like to think I know what's best. And a lot of times I know I am right. And sometimes DH agrees with me. Sometimes though SD will act out on purpose and DH gives the excuse "she's just a kid" and gives her a flipping hug. Meanwhile it's all I can do not to come out of my own skin any time her voice gets louder than it "should" be. There have been times when she does something that is CLEARLY intentional and DH just brushes it off like it wasn't. All I can do it just stare at him sometimes. He doesn't give SD enough credit. When she turns on brat mode, it is nothing if not completely on purpose.
Meanwhile, I am about to enter into his weekend with her after answering dumbass questions for a living (customer service- sigh) and I can't help but be excited for "bed time" (ha-ha- like there is a real bed time) because that means she shuts up (after freaking out because she's not ready to sleep) and I get to have an adult conversation again.
All I can really say I guess is this. I have chosen to love SD. But that love is not that of a BM. As a woman who doesn't know if she even wants children of her own, I don't know that it ever will be. But I haven't been able to start liking her yet because there are too many wrinkles to be ironed 1st. You and your DH need to figure out the boundaries and the rules, and establish that YOU get to call the shots too. She's in your home, too, (or was?) and that should count for something. You need to meet each other half way and decide in advance how to handle certain situations. Punishments set up ahead of time (spitting, kicking, screaming, tantrums, etc) can really ease the tension. Because you know where you're "allowed" to go (I know, it's terrible) and where you're not. That way when she does act out, you and DH already have a plan and you can step in and be the one laying down the law, but since DH knows in advance how you will handle it, he *hopefully* won't feel like you've stepped over boundaries or crossed any lines. Plus this opens the door to SD seeing that she has to mind her shit because SM's allowed to put her in time-out. And hopefully will open lines of communication... because after discipline, when that's easier, you can put things like manners on the table.