Believe it or not, I think a separation would be good for you, but break your engagement with him first. Give him back the ring and call off any wedding plans. He does not deserve you - period. He is the kind of man that makes me the most angry, holding on to the past and having you by his side for his candy fest. You be the one to leave and YOU be the one to break it off and YOU be the one to take your life and DIGNITY back, and find a man without kids. You deserve this for YOU. You will fall in love again and you might even find TRUE love next time.

A dear lady told me once, breaking up with a man is like cutting a branch off a tree - it will ooze for awhile but then it'll heal and become a weathered spot/knot which adds strength to the tree.

Take the out he's giving you honey. This guy does not really want to be with you. You Are 3rd in his world to BM and SD - and frankly, I don't think you're even really 3rd, I think you're a lot lower on his list than that.

The man has cheated on you with someone. The man is still essentially in a relationship with his daughter's mother. He doesn't stand up for you. He blames you for all the problems. He's giving you rules so that you don't upset the other women in his life. He's not really committed to you or your relationship. You need to find someone else. I don't know what your housing situation is, but if the two of you own a house together, I would tell you to not move out - tell him to move out. Either way, IMO, this man isn't planning on getting back together with you once he's got you out unless you're willing to make every possible concession to him and his stupidity so that he doesn't have to change one iota.

Go talk to a lawyer about your options and the impact that moving may have because this guy will Very happily screw you completely over. He's shown that already.

As for your list... 1 is totally utterly inappropriate. 2 you can do nothing about whatever. 3 - you can't stop her from calling and I'm guessing your H won't even venture in the realm of not answering so... yea, nothing you can do about that. 4 - Screw their expectations. He's treating you like crap. Why are you playing by his rules and trying to make his life easier and keep the peace when he doesn't care about keeping the peace with you? Stop being a doormat to this man. 5 - Nothing You can do. He's an idiot. However, in my world, more evidence he's still basically in a relationship with BM. He's not over her.

You need to cut your losses and move on.

Walk away from them. This

It sounds like he and BM get along pretty darn well. It's possible he regrets leaving her.

This separation may just be his "down" time to test the waters with BM. If things work out between them, he won't look back. If they don't work, he still has you waiting in the wings.

Don't allow him to treat you as an option. If you move out, don't look back. Just keep on moving ahead.

My DH's parents and sister are the same way with BM. DH and I have been married 1 year/together 4 years. SD is 5 and they broke up before she was a year old. So it's been a WHILE, and they were never even married to begin with (SD was an oopsie). So I feel your pain in that area!

Your DH sounds like a complete @$$ and I think you should take this opportunity to reclaim your life and find a man who deserves you, because your DH does not. You should be marrying a man who puts you FIRST, not third or worse. That is complete and total BS.

All the things you mentioned- your DH is at fault. He shouldn't be hanging out in BM's house and being all freakin buddy-buddy with her. That is just inappropriate to say the least. And making you leave the room in your own HOME when his ex comes by? Oh HELL NO!! That is unacceptable!

& now HE wants to separate from YOU?! My God.. I really hope you take this separation and run with it.. Don't go back to that douchebag! You can do much better!

Hi Bethephoenix -

Your story is EXACTLY the disaster I was headed for before I found this forum and asked the important questions, and got answers from the awesome ladies here.

Like you, I have no kids

Just like you, I’m engaged to him

Just as in your case, drop offs and pick ups consist of him going to EX's house, going inside and spending time there, eating dinner there, talking for a long while, spending hours

Just as in your case, there’s constant contact with the ex-wife

Just as in your case, our schedule must be worked around the ex-wife’s schedule
He even stops to pick up groceries and do errands for the ex when he’s on the way to his see daughter

In some way it’s even worse than your case because it wasn’t that way in the beginning:

In the beginning things were great for us - before he told them of my existence. Prior to his telling them, there was no relationship between him, his daughter and his ex.

His daughter hated him, his ex was monstrous to him, but all of a sudden the moment he told them about me (which I had asked him not to do yet), they are both a delight, treating him kindly and with respect. Before I walked into his life, they treated them like crap, but he was still paying. I think the moment he mentioned me, they saw the end of the gravy train, so they’re being delightful, and I’ve been suddenly relegated to 3rd person.

It’s the first time he has a “relationship” (albeit a fake one – they’re only interested in keeping the money line open) with either of them in 9 years, so he tells me to be understanding of him, that it’s his opportunity to develop a deep relationship with his daughter, and that he has to humor the ex because his daughter might be emotionally damaged or turn against him if he treated her mother like trash. I love the man – without the ex and that monstrous spoiled brat that does nothing but suck money out of him (his daughter). With those two in the picture now, I no longer seem to count. And he wants me to marry him?????

Thanks to the ladies in this forum, who gave me strength, here’s what I plan to do:

1. I’m going to plan my exit (without telling him of course)

2. I’m going to start seeing a counselor to give me strength to leave him (since I do love the man)

3. Whatever things we’ve already joined, I’m going to secretly start separating (bank account – I’m going to start using my own previous one, etc.)

4. I’m going to put myself back on the dating scene by posting myself on a computer site

5. I’ve already confided in my closest family members and good friend, and asked them to help me do this emotionally.

When all is complete, I’m going to drop the bomb to him, that I’m out, he can have his EX all to himself without me complaining about her.

You cannot stay in this. I know it’s hard because any change is hard, and particularly when it involves love, but you can’t drag yourself to the mud this way. If possible, don’t cry, don’t beg, don’t accuse, don’t do any of that. Try to respect yourself.

Leave him with an image that he screwed up his life. Soon enough things will go to
hell with that EX and child of his, and he’ll feel utterly miserable. PLUS, keep this in mind – what woman will put up with all that crap? No other woman he finds will do it. You’re probably the only one willing. Get out while you still have all your parts! Take care and hugs!

Time to move one. When someone loves you they will move heaven and earth to be with you. That is exactly what you deserve and this guy is not giving it to you.

I, too, am number 3 quite often. DH is going through the courts now for a CS agreement, although before that he and the BM had one and it was quite amicable. She went behind his back to file with the state and then lied to him and claimed "oh my mom must have done that...", which of course isn't possible. It took her WEEKS to finally fess up. At any rate, she is not a nice person. She told DH over Christmas that he wouldn't get to see SD4 because she was "going out of town". She admitted the next that it was a LIE just to see how he would react. She is childish and petty and rude. She walks all over DH. She will ask if she can pick up SD an hour late, and then come by 3 hours later with not even so much as a sincere apology. And of course she can get away with it because DH lets her. He is terrified that if he doesn't bend to her every little whim and desire that it will make the CS case harder. As if bending over backwards for her now wont make things worse later???? I am just the "girlfriend" at this point, but we are getting ready to move in together and have been together over a year, and we are talking about getting married. So I am very solidly in his life (we also had a friendship back when he and BM were still dating.) But even so, it's always "well she's my daughter" or "that's my daughter's mom". BLAH BLAH BLAH. When will he stand up and say "well, this is the person I want to spend my life with"?? Being 3rd place is really rough. And many days he shows me deep down inside I am his partner, and I do know he loves me. But when the DH's make the decisions to do what BM wants, or what SD wants (he has only scratched the surface with her that I am to be respected) it is MADDENING. I, too, am new to this site and so thankful to have read your rant. So many times as I was reading I was saying "EXACTLY!" So thank you. What a relief to see that others out there really DO understand what I am going through. All of my friends have children of their own, and my own family was just my mom, my dad, and myself, so I have NO ONE who understands the step-parent side of things. Power to you sister! Stay strong.

Totally feeling you!!!

Luckily, my boyfriend doesn't have a car, or I think he would probably be going to visit his son and go into BM's house, too. I think him not having a car prevents that. YIKES!

But when we have to go pick up SS for his weekend at my house, I have wait in the car while my boyfriend goes into BM's house to get all of his son's things and then BM walks out with them. What's really awkward is that we have yet to officially meet. Her child stays at my house every other weekend since February and we still haven't met. Apparently, my boyfriend doesn't want us to meet, I'm guessing? But he always says, "wait here in the car" and then he goes to get his son, and the same happens for when we drop him off. I'm just the driver, I'm guessing. Ugh!

And yes, I'm definitely #3 as I feel like a guest in my own home and can't wait until the weekend is over, so I can feel like it's my house again. It's a very awkward feeling that I can't imagine getting used to. As of right now, they are taking over my livingroom and kitchen and I'm hiding out in my bedroom. Last night, I almost lost my cool, so I went outside and went on a walk at night for an entire hour, while they hung out in my own house!

I feel like a complete servant for them on these weekends. An employed staff to feed them and drive them around everywhere, and provide my house for them.

OMFG run screaming for the hills now, why in the FUCK are you with this douche bag???? He's an idiot!!!

No legal care order??? Is he a MORON??? He already told you to move out. I would, and I'd go far away and never look back. SERIOUSLY.

Oh my god! You are living as an accessory to his life. This is your life too. If he goes into the mother's house he should be taking you in with him or waiting outside. How very disrespectful if them both.

Oh my god! You are living as an accessory to his life. This is your life too. If he goes into the mother's house he should be taking you in with him or waiting outside. How very disrespectful if them both.

Here is my red flag list:

1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)

2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?

3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habits, eating habits, bedtime habits?

4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)

5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?

6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?

7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern

8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?

9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?

10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?

11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.

12. Has dad said things to you like "you don't like my children" or "you're a child hater" or "my children are afraid of you" or "my children don't like you?" This is code for you are able to see through the manipulation and the children don't like it. . . and frankly he doesn't like the fact that you can see through his children's manipulation either. He'd rather look the other way as opposed to actually parenting because he might "lose" his children to the (almost always) PASinator BM.

If you can answer YES to ANY of these questions, get your sneakers ready to go.

Do you know your man's FINANCIAL situation? Do you know if he has massive left over marital debt? How high is his CS obligation? Have you seen the divorce decree or mediation agreement. Does it seem overly slanted in BM's favour?

Love and "understanding" simply does not cover it all. Especially in the case of stepmom is supposed to be "understanding" when all of her money goes to household expenses b/c almost all of biodad's money goes to CS.

How long would you be willing to float biodad should he lose a job and have massive CS obligations?

Wow, thinkthrice - my asshole BF checks every box on your red flag list :o(

Did you notice his gaping lack of balls the first time you guys got intimate?

This guy has major lack of boundaries with his ex. Why is he so interested in keeping her dirty laundry from being aired to his family?

And he expects you to be okay with him going off with his other life, like they never broke up?? That is, at the very least, confusing to the skid. Not to mention this guy was ALREADY busted having an affair. Chances are, with his refusal to make all this legal, that he is banging her on the side too. How do you really know what he does when he goes over and into BM's house? Is he reading SD a bedtime story and giving her a bath? Or are him and BM making their OWN bedtime stories??

This guy is a jackass who does not deserve you.

GIRL!!! Your situation is very simple. Get out and find a man that loves YOU and that will treat YOU well! Love yourself enough to take care of YOU!

You have every right to be angry about those things... and I'm sure that there are other things you could have added to that list. I have had the Disney dad situation too so I understand. The BM and the SD do not understand boundaries and he makes them happy before me because BM has control over his wallet through the court system. I don't have any kids by him so I got nothin'. Hence, have to make BM happy.

I recently talked my DH into going to counseling. We went to our first session last week and have follow-ups scheduled. I always suggest counseling to couples before they call it quits.

But whatever you decide... good luck! HUGS!