3-step daughters, I've had the last straw
Hi,
I have 3 step daughters for 12 yrs (ages 19 and 21 now) and now bio kids. Me and the BM of my skids split up 2 yrs ago. The bio father has a very unstable life and has been very damaging to the girls, plus he loves them best he can. The mother lives in chaos and acts like a teenager. When we split, I agreed to still co-parent the 3 girls with bio mother as 1 of the girls was self harming plus many other crazy things another had a chronic illness. I do love the girls and have been fully financially supportive, still involved in the day to day as much as I can, been the first call at 3am many times. Gradually the girls, who are growing up, we see less and less of each other and the mother now does not involve me in decisions, she still "lets" me pay the mortgage among other things. So that is the background.
I found out one of the girls lied and stole from me twice. When I confronted her. She just attacked. I am not her bio dad and since I don't live there anymore, I am on the sidelines. First time anyone ever said that to me. I was heartbroken. Then a week later she tells me that I am not invited to her graduation art show, which I funded the materials for and paid for everything. She said we needed a cooling off period. I'm thinking, I calmly confronted her for lying and stealing and she is telling me what is what?
This has been the final straw for me, as I see that even though I have raised this kid full time for 10 of 12 years, that means little to them. I have decided to move away and back away from the parenting now, if the foundation I laid with them is not enough for all of us to keep connected, I just have to let that go.
How do I let her/mother know how cruel this was and that I need to back away now for my own sanity.
any advice will help.
Thanks
Thanks for that advice. I'm
Thanks for that advice. I'm always getting sucked in and they know I have put them first for a long time and they use that. You are right, I have to move on and let the bio parents do it. And the longer I stay tangled in this the longer it will be before I meet a great woman.
I did not realise how hurt I was by the cruelty and rejection as the skids reaction to having consequences for lying and stealing and by the ex standing back and watching it happen. I can't handle that anymore.
'Just Wow" above gave you the
'Just Wow" above gave you the comprehensive advise. Block these people from everything. Cell phones can be blocked, you may need your providers help like Verizon. Block all email and social pages such as Facebook if any. Don't visit pages.
Be courteous enough to write your ex-wife and tell her the gravy train has derailed. She'll be surprised you chugged along as far as you did. Inform any companies such as the mortgage holder to send mail directly to her if you've been receiving it. Forward any that happen to come your way unopened.
Absolutely do not fall for any pleas from them in the future. There only motivations are to get the gravy flowing again. The demonstration of disloyalty you've seen is the true feelings.
I get it now that the
I get it now that the demonstrations of disloyalty are the true feelings. I now have to end all the things I provide. Which I will do now. And if the relationships can't withstand the changes it is better to know now. I have blocked the ex from facebook and I will do that with the girls, I never thought of social media but it makes sense. I think you are right she will be surprised I chugged along for as long as I have. I guess we have to experience a level of suffering that makes us change. I have done that now. I am ready to let go.
I appreciate all the advice.
It's sad that people are so
It's sad that people are so entitled and unappreciative. Unfortunately we have no control over anyone but ourselves. It would be lovely if your ex showed you the respect and consideration that you deserve but she's not going to change. Especially when she's already getting what she wants. You sound like a good guy. Why are you denying yourself the chance to meet someone who appreciates you? I'm not sure that a woman would get involved with you when you've got so much involvement with an ex and all of her baggage. I wouldn't.
It's lovely that you're such a nice man but your kindness is unnecessary and unappreciated. If it makes you feel good to help, that's great but you don't sound like you're too happy with this situation so maybe it's time to take care of yourself. You've done more than was required of you.
Make a clean break. Why help
Make a clean break. Why help co-parent kids that aren't yours? And why are you helping financially? Does this woman not work? If I were a single woman, I would steer clear of you. No offense, but I would never put up with that garbage from kids that were not biologically my DH's. I would wonder why he couldn't let go.
You might meet a nice woman once you get these freaks out of your life.
((((( hugs )))))
Best of luck to you.
Since you funded her
Since you funded her graduation art project send her a collection notice demanding that she pay back your investment. If she does not immediately cut you a check .... repo her art and sell it on Craig's list. It will be hard for her to have a graduation art show if you own and possess all of her art.
Time for some accountability and consequences which very likely will be the final lesson you can provide.
Keep your checkbook in your pocket. Not your spawn, not your problem.
And ... press charges for the stealing. She wants to pretend to be an adult, she can address the consequences of her criminal decisions.
Poor you! I reckon these
Poor you!
I reckon these girls (the kids) might still have some growing up to do. As long as you stick around supporting - you may be enabling some not so great behavior.
I personally think making yourself still accessible is ok (if YOU want to and only on your terms - boundaries are key). These kids may see the light and want to continue an adult relationship with you eventually. They may not. You will have to make peace with that - sad and unfair as it may be.
Stay strong and put yourself first.