Uh oh! I've gotten involved... too late to back out??
Okay so we've had the two step daughters overnight, my partner is back to work tomorrow. Doing sd's (4yrs) hair this morning and she asks if she can stay, being as i'm the only one home this week i explained to her that if she wanted to stay it would just be me at home.... she still wanted to stay. Now the younger sd (3yrs) isnt too close to me and doesnt really like staying just with me, she kept saying she just wanted mummy. So said to my partner that i didnt mind the eldest staying a couple extra nights and i would be driving past where their mother lives on thursday. Plus as i only have a few days off work i didnt really want the youngest around as shes alot less independant than my BD and SD4.
So partner calls the ex and she says no, but starts to say that its always sd4 who gets the extra time, that he took her to swimming and not the younger (when he was planning on taking some time off work in a few months time when he gets his new alotment of holiday from work, to spend a couple of special days with SD3)... then starts saying that SD4 is his baby and that he doesnt care about SD3... there is more to it, which in my adrenaline fuelled mind, i have forgotten... So me who NEVER gets involved and have told her this too... I sent her a text (from my DH's phone, as i refuse to let her have my number hehe) explaining that there were three reasons as to why i didnt invite the youngest to stay and that she shouldnt take it out on DH on this occasion
A) I will never force myself onto her girls, the youngest did not want to stay and thats fine, i would never force her too.
I only have a few days off work and have so much i need to do, aswell as spending some quality time with my little girl (6yrs). (This would not happen with SD3 around)
c) I'm going past where she lives on thursday, so wouldnt be a big deal to drop her back to her mothers as i go past.
To which she replied... I dont mean to be rude, but you always said that you would leave issues surrounding the kids to DH and i. I wonder why you feel you need to interfere now?
To which i replied... Because you were being unfair and frankly rude. I wanted you to know that on this particular occasion it wan an invite from myself for SD4 to stay. After explaining to her that it would not be Daddy but me around, she still wanted to stay. Then when i let dan act on my behalf you always lay into him, belittle his abilities and relationshio with the girls, try to guilt and manipulate him, without ever seeing both sides. I've sat back for two years whilst you say whatever you like to a man who only ever does what he can in an impossible and unconventional situation. So yes this once i've stepped into the middle. And you know full well that if this was actually an issue with the kids, i wouldn't be getting involved.
Oh dear.... have i walked myself into the lions den?? Have i done the right thing?? I'm awaiting a very malicious reply to my last text with alot of apprehension. 
The ex sounds like my DH's
The ex sounds like my DH's ex! I try my hardest to not interfere, although I am on the computer all day, so school work and school issues usually get dealt with by me. I stay out of the actual parenting issues, though.
I did respond once when she belittled my husband and basically accused him of being a bad father. My DH would do anything for my SS's and you are exactly on point with your comment "I've sat back for two years whilst you say whatever you like to a man who only ever does what he can in an impossible and unconventional situation.
I think you have walked into a lion's den and now you need to just stop and leave. You have made your point and sometimes letting her have the last word is the best way to end it. She's looking for responses from you, but it will be in the best interest of you and you DH to let it go and not let her get to you.
Best Wishes!
I think you are very right
I think you are very right and i should leave it at that, as tempting as it is to turn it into a cat fight. I've finally said what ive been waiting to say for years, and it feels relieving. But it will not be fair on the children, myself or my DH to continue,when it would just be petty to do so.
Thankyou for your calming and understanding words, you've put my head back into perspective... the anger and adrenaline do funny things to a sane persons head.
I think that perhaps you have
I think that perhaps you have only seen this from one perspective. It was not the fact that she said yes or no, but the fact that she launched into an attack on my DH. Shes doesnt launch at me because shes a little girl playing at being a grown up.
I have passively sat back and watched her belittle my DH for a couple of years. This invitation was from myself, i would be the one that would have parental responsibility of SD if BM had said yes to the invitation. I have no problem with her saying YES or No, none whatsoever, but to attack my DH (who did back himself up in this instance) and accuse him of favouritism is snidey and pathetic. And her use of 'I dont mean to be rude' is exactly the opposite of the actual words. Every BM has their habitual use of language and this is one of hers. All i ask is that perhaps you look at the full picture, rather than seeing only half.
i have to admit nothing
i have to admit nothing against you directly, but from my personal experience, i dont' EVER find a reason for smom to call/text/contact bio mom if dad is perfectly capable of it ei: unless it's an emergency like dad being in hospital or something of that nature. I never like my daughter's smom contacting me for anything other than tht and i finally blew up on her before she stopped. i've contact bio mom ONCE and it was relaying a message and offering to "help transportation" and i wont do it again. Your intentions may have been only to help the situation, but i've always found it best to just not talk to her
I agree with some that it is
I agree with some that it is DH responsibility to handle BM and her nonsense. I learned the hard way when BM to SS11 left DH a voice mail once accusing me of doing more with SD12 and making SS feel bad (which is so far from the truth it's not even funny) DH made the mistake of letting me hear the message and I flipped out and called BM (with DH's approval)to defend myself from her and SS ridiculous accusations. BM and I got into a battle royal, both of us said things that we probably shouldn't have said and I have hated her guts ever since. I want no part of speaking to her, seeing her.. anything! she did apoligize to me last year for that incident and another that we had where she acted like a total bitch. I told her fine, that I accepted her apology..... but I still hate her. I'm just the type that can't forgive and forget if someone wrongs me.
With that said though, I totally understand your need to want to defend you and/or DH in regards to BM's ridiculous claims of favortism. But it's a slippery slope and my advice would be that you let it drop... if BM texts you back even if it's rude or what have you.. just let it go. Nothing good will come of it!
I agree with the others who
I agree with the others who suggested you leave the communication between DH and BM.
While I know we all like to feel like the "White Knight" who swoops in and protects our loved ones, sometimes we need to let people fight their own battles.
While your intentions were good, really all communication regarding the skids should be left between the parents.
It sounds like you don't have a bad relationship with BM. Why would you want to change that?
I agree that you should back
I agree that you should back away from this one. I have engaged bm just a couple of times over the last 10 years and never in any sort of big way-although trust me there have been a million and one times I would have liked to rip her a new one, but I always stop and ask myself, "what would this accomplish" And other than a brief momentary feeling of relief to get it all out I've never been able to come up with anything beneficial only negative things so I've always stopped myself. Plus, I also think it opens the door. If you start engaging with her-you've now left it open for her to start calling YOU up and she can belittle you instead of your husband. Bottom line, is that these men do need to try and maintain some sort of working relationship with these nuts. I had a hard time with that at first, not because of jealousy, but just because she was a biatch who took advanage of my dh and I felt he didnt stand up for himself enough. Not that he didnt stand up for himself at all, he definitely did-but just not as much as *I* thought he should-so I would intercede with him and "encourage" him to stand up to her. Looking back now, I just created more problems. Sometimes it's wiser for all of us just to keep quiet at times, take one for the team, etc in our relationships-and we need to give our men the freedom to decide when this is appropriate and when it's not.
I dont disagree with anything
I dont disagree with anything that any of you have said. However, this is just a short snippet from many many occasions like it, and trust SHE is far from a glowing BM. In fact quite the opposite.... I have encouraged my DH to stand up for himself, and he does a remarkably good job of it. I have always kept all communication strictly to 'pleasantries' when ive seen her two faced self. And i will continue to keep the contact to this, if she tries to engage it further, i shall turn the other cheek. This was a moment of weakness and hindsight is a marvelous thing. But i do not regret at the same time....