Would H*ll freeze over first?

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How many of you, after 10 years of being ignored, treated like you don't exist, disrespected in your own house, would let hell freeze over before you'd speak to DH's adult child that treated you that way?

DH's adult child lives with us (26). Never once said hello, how are you. Never a conversation. Before in the prior house, it was just DH and skid. Now the wife is around, and stepkid tries to covertly disregard my house stuff. Purposely spills stuff, or leaves messes where skid knows I'll see it. I can tell it's killing skid that they can't just take over the remaining common areas as if it's just their dad living there. And DH won't say anything, not a d*mn thing about anything skid does at the house. NOR am I allowed to complain about it. Ever. But you bet your sweet a** that skid complains to DH all the time.

Additionally skid has taken over a good portion of DH/My house with all their stuff and asked for more space, I said no way. There are consequences to being nasty to me for a decade, plus the space is being used. DH wants ME to fix the relationship, when he doesn't even have the balls to tell skid to clean up the mess that was left in the kitchen/bathroom, etc. He doesn't even have the balls to say anything like "you need to respect my wife" and "be friendly". They pretend that I don't exist and just go on the way they were and I feel like I"m in the way of letting them live how they lived before. He doesn't recognize the boundaries and that this is the wife (and woman of the house)'s domain and this over here is the domain of a kid (their bedroom, that's it).

DH says it's all MY fault, I think separation is our only option. And he won't do counseling because he says it's all my fault. (ooohh noooo I had expectations of behavior and decency and respect, gasp! What...I expected him to correct his kid, how dare i, when they aren't doing anything wrong) But he will willingly continue to live with his adult kid forever(yes I said live with his adult kid as opposed to saying allow kid to live with him) because it's not an allow/unallow thing in his mind. That would mean someone has rights and other people don't have rights, and he wants skid to have status with rights.

I love my DH but this is too toxic and unhealthy for me. I'm tired of living with someone that hates me and someone that allows their kid to hate me and can't tell the difference between a wife's position in a house and a kid's position. I would love to go to marriage counseling, I would love if stepkid moved out and DH can spend all the time with them he wants outside the home. But nope, neither of them will happen. Advice?

Why is this 26 year old still

Why is this 26 year old still living at home and how is it all your fault that skid disrespects you?

I just don't understand how your DH can allow this.

Adult 26 lives at home due to

Adult 26 lives at home due to no formal schooling, no job, barely graduated HS, kid in tow, needs someone to pay for the car, phone, cable, electric, free babysitting, etc. Mentally, they stay a dependent child out of laziness and underachievement (although underachievement means there is potential so I'm not sure that word applies here) and

very recently found to have a health problem, but what was the excuse 95% of the remaining time skid wasn't accountable for their future?

Like i said, DH thinks it's NORMAL to have an adult child continue to live in your home like they are a dependent child. Now using the health problem as another reason to continue the arrangement.
He is encouraging it (took me a while, 10 years, to figure that out) and wants to support this adult child and live in a mutual equal relationship as far as house arrangements go (the equal doesn't cover the financial aspect though)

It's my fault so he doesn't have to make skid do anything different. It's my fault so he doesn't have to correct skid. It's my fault so his "delicate" skid won't get mad and withhold grandkid or emotionally blackmail DH. It's my fault so DH doesn't have to make Skid accountable for skid's behavior. It's my fault so DH doesn't rock the boat.

Unless dh would agree to

Unless dh would agree to counseling, I'd be gone. Period.

Neither of them have

Neither of them have interpersonal skills - stepkid is an extended version of him to a T, that's how he allows it. On the surface he seems normal. But after many years and seeing how he handles various situations, I see how it was just pretend. And I see and hear about situations at work, that he allows and doesn't care about fixing or correcting. Or how DH responds to outside people. It took a long, long time but the whole picture has come out. No respect for others, no understanding of social rules and mores. And have been hearing stories of DH's parents, that wasn't brought up for years. Like it's in their blood.

Is there no BM? I don't know

Is there no BM?

I don't know how you do it, I would be a lunatic.

My SD is 22, divorced with 2 kids, no job, no HS diploma or GED. I will not let her and her kids move in, so she is living with her BM. She better hope BM lives a long time, or she better find another husband and make it stick.

I have given her the names and numbers of agencies that will help her get a job but she refuses to call them. She refuses to work on getting her GED or do anything to help herself. It is pathetic.

Hell would freeze over before

Hell would freeze over before DH allowed kid to disrespect me one day...much less 10 years.

I agree with dadsnewife...counseling. Until then...get you a little cute apartment and tell DH that you can't live like this any longer and when skid is out of house...you will return.

oh no, I'm worse than dog

oh no, I'm worse than dog crap because I asked about an adult child living arrangement plan (contract?) - or whatever they are called. When will they think they will move out? How are they working toward that goal? Outline the details of the living arrangement. That was out of the question, what was I thinking? The fact that I couldn't even get a response on this topic tells it all. It's forever. Further more, what a freaking b*tch I am for even bringing it up. This is so unhealthy it's disgusting.

yup tick tock tick tock I

yup tick tock tick tock I know my time here is coming to an end and my ducks are getting ready. I'll try a few things but with no change anticipated. I just need to get through these last few days.

just wondered if I'm crazy or this is some ridiculous sh*t and I'm being brainwashed by the Holy-StepKid-Cult to bring home money and shut my mouth.

I agree with the others - you

I agree with the others - you need to get out of this zoo. I put up with this same crap for over 20 years. Don't be the fool I was. It doesn't get better unless you can get the skid out of the house. Are you working? If not, he may have to give you a living allowance until you can get on your feet. You are living in an unbearable situation. You deserve a better life.

"Adult 26 lives at home due

"Adult 26 lives at home due to no formal schooling, no job, barely graduated HS, kid in tow, needs someone to pay for the car, phone, cable, electric, free babysitting, etc. Mentally, they stay a dependent child out of laziness and underachievement (although underachievement means there is potential so I'm not sure that word applies here) and very recently found to have a health problem, but what was the excuse 95% of the remaining time skid wasn't accountable for their future?

This is VERY similar to my situation, are you sure we aren't talking about the same Skid???? And DH?? Where do you live, maybe we should become roommates?? LOL!

To be serious, I want you to know that you are not the only one!!

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Would H*ll freeze over first?