Wedding photo drama
This is really 2 topics in one. Backstory-My (f45) SO (M53) has 2 daughters (26,32). They were his ex's from previous relationships that he adopted. They are temperamental and self centered. Currently SD32 hasn't spoken to us in a year and has lied multiple times trying to make SO look bad. She's burned a lot of bridges because she keeps getting caught in her lies. SD26 didn't speak to us for 6 months but is currently on speaking terms. She's getting married in 6 weeks (and wants money so I'm sure that sweetened her attitude!) To complicate things, SO and I are getting married 2 weeks after her. She wasn't speaking to us when she delayed her wedding and scheduled hers on top of ours. (In her defense, she didn't know when ours was since we'd just reserved the venue.) We've been together and lived together for 10 years.
Apparently I am not going to be in the "family" pictures at her wedding because we're not technically married. (BM may remedy this-she's ok most of the time.) Should I be pissed about the pictures? The petty part of me says if I'm not in her pics because I'm not "real family", then she shouldn't be in ours because she's not SO's "real family" either. I won't do it, but it's therapeutic to vent! Should I just let it go and be the bigger person? Is there a jab I can make at SD afterward to put her in her place if she goes through with this?
The second question is about SO's wedding pictures from his first marriage. They keep being displayed at family functions and will be part of a slide show at SD's wedding. A few months ago, SO's aunt hosted a memorial service for SO's dad and included a wedding picture from his first marriage. She had zoomed in on SDs and SO and ex wife's heads were cropped off but it was still obvious what it was. She then printed the pictures from the book and mailed them to all the family. The wedding pictures were included in another slide show during SD's graduation party several years ago. Am I crazy to want his family to STOP with these wedding pictures? Am I justified in scolding the relatives for continuing to display them? His extended family are pushy, demanding and have made our lives difficult. (His elderly parents were/are insane and have driven us crazy caring for them. I've earned my spot in this family with what I've endured. Ex wife and SDs haven't done squat.)
Both of these topics seem like no brainers to me-I'm in the SD wedding pictures just like her stepdad and no one displays wedding pictures from the first marriage. WTH is wrong with people??
Wedding pics can be a sacred cow even in divorce situations.
My XILs had our wedding pics prominantly displayed in their home 10 years after their adulterous skank whore of a daughter filed for divorce to run off as a knocked up cheater with her geriatric fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy.
I ran into my XILs at lunch not long after my team re-officed at a facility not far from my XILs home. They invited me over for coffee. I took them up on their offer.
We walked into their home and I was smacked in the face by our wedding pictures still prominantly displayed in their home. Odd.
In the case of my XILs, they are devout Catholics and my XW never had our marriage annulled. This was exceptionally painful for my XFIL. That his daughter was not right with the church while still taking communion tore him up. Every time we ran into each other while I was officing near their home he would have tears running down his cheeks.
Oddly, she was on DH #3 at that time and had 3 kids. No pics of those weddings anywhere in sight in my XIL's home.
Since I have zero interface with my XILs this really isn't a major issue for me. Though I am sure those wedding pics are still plastered around their home. Their skank whore of a daughter is on at no less than DH #3 if not far further down the DH count list by now.
If Stepdad is going to be in the pictures, you should also be in
If Stepdad is going to be in the pictures, you should also be in them. However, is this really a hill to die on? Do you really care if you are in the wedding pictures of a SD who is probably going to quit talking to your DH as soon as he pays for the wedding? I understand why you are upset, but I'm not sure the fight to be in the pictures is worth the trouble.
You are not alone.
You are not alone.
If you look at YSD's wedding albumn, you would not know I was there that day. The photographer took two photos that I was in . Neither made the cut -- including the only picture taken of paternal grandmother that day.
DH paid for the photos. After they were done, YSD and her husband brought the albums to our house to show him. They had a separate envelope of pictures that they said were for tha attendants. They didn't give DH a picture.
I was in some pictures.
But in a way, wish I wasn't. I was recovering from the flu, my hair was a mess from the humidity and the photographer had me strike a stupid pose. To make matters even worse, a breeze blew by and raised up my dress so it looks like I'm about 30 pounds heavier than I actually am.
I am not married to my SO but we've been together longer than he was married to BM. Later on SD did actually send my SO this photo of us together as a gift, and surprise, surprise ... she sent a few extra ones that included SO and BM with her. Why she thinks her father wanted a picture with BM is beside me. Delusional, I guess. He took the photos with BM so that SD would have one with both parents ... not because he wanted one, that's for sure!
In your case if any of your DH's money (or yours) is going towards this wedding then your DH needs to let SD know that married or not, the two of you want to be included, together, in photos. I am quite certain the photographer will go around and take photos of others throughout the day, including couples who are just dating/not married. If SD can't explain THAT discrepancy, then she needs to be called out on it.
SD may
Not show up at your wedding, she may be upset about something anything
My feeling is that step
My feeling is that step parents or long term partners should be in "some" of the family pics... at least some select individual pics with the bride and groom. I say just some becausr... reality is that if you and your so split up... you are not in every group pic. Its reality. You aren't a relative and the only connection with the bridal party is via marriage. Tbh. I would be happy to be excluded from most of them.
My father died less then a
My father died less then a year after I married ExH. Those photos are the last professional ones I have of him. The hubby may be long gone (good riddance) but those pictures of my parents are precious to me.
I think this is kind of one
I think this is kind of one of the reasons why someone might not want to have "step" family in "family photos".. you probably love the pics with your dad and you.. and have to grin and bear the ones with your ex to an extent..lol.
if I was a child of divorced parents.. having pics with each parent.. and even a few with their "new" spouse is fine.. but I would want some that were just my parents.. without their spouse.. so I had a memento with my parents.. without someone I might not get along with.. or without someone that may not end up a long term partner to them.
Not A Hill For Me
DHs kids displayed their parents' wedding photos and other first marriage photos in their rented rooms. At first it bothered me; after 15 years in StepHell, pictures are the least of my worries. I don't go to their spaces anymore. As for being in photos with those people, nah...I'll pass. Let them take all the "fantasy family" photos they want. Reality says, their mom divorced DH, I married him and I AM his wife.
I love your perspective and your power in this.
You are a great example of how to deal with the toxic half of a blended family marriage.
Fantasy family. AKA delusional failed family.
I displayed a picture of my
I displayed a picture of my DH taken on his wedding day with BM (she was not in it.. nor cropped out.. just an individual pic). on my living room wall... it really isn't overly worrisome to me. I was not a fan of pics of "mommy" in the girl's rooms.. but again.. not a hill to die on.. more concerned when they would leave food or drinks to become science experiments!
And.. as far as the wedding pics go... a child wanting to have a pic taken with both their parents.. isn't necessarily "fantasy".. both people ARE their parents.. and likely there will be pics of the kids with parents individually too. And there SHOULD be at least a couple pics with their parent's new partners as well.. but especially if the relationship isn't close? why would you expect someone to want a load of pics with someone they don't get along with.. they want pictures for them to enjoy.. it's not for "you".
Clarification On My Comment
I didn't mean "fantasy family" as not realizing SKs have two parents and that's their family. DH's kids want me omitted from anything. His adult daughter set up a Facebook page for DH in our early years of marriage. She had nothing of me. All the photos were of him and BM and all their kids, as if the divorce never happened and they were still their happy family (fantasy family). They continue this behavior 15 years later. Before BM died, they would even set up DH to get photos with her. Sorry that I did not explain that comment properly. I've always supported DHs kids with family issues. When I was still in contact, the oldest graduated college; DH and I went. I was the photographer as she had no one to do the job. I made sure she got pics with her mom and dad and didn't even ask to have one with her. Hell, I even went to counseling with that crazy BM to try to have a decent co-parenting relationship. Never wanted the "original" family to disappear.
I absolutely got your fantasy family
Comment. Mine are mid 30's to mid 40's adults and most of them still believe their "family" is mom and dad and them. Woe to anyone who wants to break with that including spouses and other siblings.
that's weird setting up his
that's weird setting up his FB like that.. but if you don't get along.. I can see them not wanting you front and center in many of their pictures.. not a keepsake either of you would want right..lol?
Yep
The Facebook page was done when issues were not too bad...or rather, I was just going along with the madness to keep the peace. It was early in the marriage. They hated the fact their mom divorced DH. Even had the audacity to tell DH (in front of me) that BM realized she made a mistake divorcing DH. They then sat there waiting for him to reply. SMH
For the graduation pics, I had no problem NOT taking photos with DHs daughter. I got her with each parent and with both parents. In her defense, she did offer to get one of her with me and DH. I've never had it on display in our home. And personally, I don't want photos with DHs kids....I don't want people knowing we're related...even by marriage. Too embarrassing. I mean, I'm talking a 27 year old man did a video of himself lighting fire to his fart! And posted it on YouTube!
I am simply DHs wife. Nothing else. As you can see by my posts, I rarely even refer to them as SKs. Always, DHs kids. LOL
I gave DH one shelf
In our living room to display his kids photos. Oh, space ran out? Sorry dear, please choose the the recent relevant to display, then put the rest in an album.
I still remember when Bratty wanted to 'decorate' our home (which I own) with her childhood memories, as a holiday gift to me. Right. Thanks, but no thanks on that 'gift'.
I am fortunate that I got out of the fantasy family
that were my ILs during my first marriage. XMIL became a federal inmate, XBIL left his family and took his wife and daugther a half a dozen States away, XW had three out of wedlock spawn by two different baby daddies. #1 and #3 were spawned by a cheat buddy while she was married to someone other than the baby's daddy.
More fortunately my son (former SS who I adopted at his request) has vehimately rejected the Kool-Aid of the SpermGrandHag's multiple generation delusion of family character and quality.
In both of those cases there was never a real family. Only a fantasy family.
100% this!
.
My young adult SD's put zero
My young adult SD's put zero effort into being inclusive. At this point I have no desire to be in any future wedding photos. For that matter I do not care to attend their weddings, no invite no problem. I feel ambivalent about them and just don't care about participating in drama and there is ALWAYS drama. My DH is free to participate as much or little as he wants. They are his kids, not mine. I am thankful they have launched enough that they are out living their own lives and doing their own thing, most of the time. Why bare a photo shoot where I am not wanted for photos that are never going to be displayed? I am certain DH will do a photo with BM so the SK's can have a photo of their parents and of course that is the only photo the SK's really want. SD24 did not invite me to her college graduation and I was perfectly happy to stay home. It sounded like it was an absolute bore with an insufferable stuffy dinner at one of SD's friends parent's house. DH had to choke down food at a virtual strangers house with BM staring at him across the table. Lol Nothing helps remind him faster of why they are no longer a nuclear family than having to deal with in person contact with BM and playing "nice" (intact family) for SD.
I join this club.
Even when invited specifically (a rare happening) I don't go, I don't care enough about the drama that inevitably happens and really they don't care enough about our relationship so I think ultimately it's a win/win when I don't.
I'm A Club Member, Too
Even with being totally disengaged from DHs kids - not seen them in over 4 years - I got a wedding invite a year ago. Nope. I stayed home with zero drama. Why would anyone in our position go to any SK events, the way we are treated. Second class; ghosted; ignored. Made fun of. The list goes on and on. I prefer the company of my dogs.
Not sure
If Bratty invited me to their 'wedding' I'm honestly unsure if I'd go. It would probably be vegan food and no alcohol. Wow, super fun, NOT. Though, I'd go for DH support - though prob leave early. Espey since Bratty sulked in a different room during our reception, haha.
DH got a "save the date" card
DH got a "save the date" card for SS wedding. I didn't, so I'm not.
My parents are divorced- both
My parents are divorced- both re-partnered. When I got married I have photos with my dad and his long term girlfriend. I then had photos of my mom and her husband. Worse case you crop someone out...
Honestly, I think she's being an ass for making it a huge issue and not including you. If I were you I'd meet her exactly where she's at- and make it known to anyone who would hear me, loudly. "oh I'm not in the photos we're not related. While DH isn't technically related either, he's gone above and beyond for SD so I can see why she'd make an exception for him." ... with a giant smile on your face the whole time.
You can even be helpful during photos! "Oh you must be family do you want me to hold your purse/drink so you can take a photo? It's no bother to me I'm not going to be in any pictures because...."
Sd sounds like a jerk
You arent wrong. Its how do you plan on "enforcing it".
I wouldn't make a big issue out of it
At our recent wedding DH took a photo with Bratty and Nutter. I stepped out of it as I don't want to be in their photo. So if it were Bratty's wedding and she wanted a photo with her Dad but not me I'd be fine with it. Would actually prefer it. She is not my child and I would consider myself just a guest and DH's plus one.
C'mon
Canine a pic is worth a thousand words. You didnt want a wedding photo with bratty and nutter? LOL
Oh yeah...
Ummm...never gonna happen LOL. Same for them with me. Disengagement at its best!
I think view it as a good
I think view it as a good thing she doesn’t want you in her wedding photos. Do you really want to hear through the grapevine her whining that her wedding pictures were ruined because “that woman” was in them? Or being able to make snarky comments to you “Wow you really look so much smaller in person, people can’t believe that’s you in my wedding photos.” I prefer not to give any ammunition to the enemy, but that’s me.
As for them cropping photos and using them…meh, they probably don’t have many “good photos” of SO and SD’s together and they were able to locate these ones and use them, at least they had to decency to crop the ex out.
Also for your upcoming nuptials don’t include them in your photos if you don’t want them…after all you are paying for those photos so you get say of what you want. If your SO wants photos of him with his daughters that’s fine, you don’t have to be in them.
Yep
You do you, and don't worry about what they do. Sometimes just not sweating the small stuff goes a long way. Though what is small stuff can be different depending on the person!
I can't immagine photos with an X after they are an X.
Other than to have printed on toilet paper for karmic justice.
Even at a wedding of kids I had with that X.
Which thankfully never happened. I would not have wanted to have to tell my kids that their mother was an adulterous whore and their Grandmother was a life long embezzling convicted federal felon.
I'm facing a similar situation
MY SO's daughter is getting married for the 2nd time in 5 years this coming weekend. I may or may not be included in some pics. I don't really care either way. I've been disengaged for 8 of the 13 years we've been togeather.
What is pissing me off and making me laugh was "Daddy, what song do you want to dance with mommy too for the "parent's dance" ? In all my years I've never heard of this. Bunch of BS...SO laughed and responded with "The Sounds of Silence"...because there is no "parents dance"...lol
Sigh
Bio parents in pic with SD
Yes. Someone suggested the bio parents have a pic made with the bride and groom. Awkward for us step parents. BM husband and I kinda sat there and had a similar look on our face. Even more awkward the SD's brother was there. (Feel sorry for that young man. His father was the one that beat my youngest SD, BM was having an affair with his father while still married to DH.) Wasn't awkwardnfor SIL His parents aren't remarried. I don't think pictures with Bio parents without significant others should even be suggested.
Best idea everyone should ELOPE!!!
When I married my ex, the
When I married my ex, the photographer didn't realize my in-laws were divorced and remarried. He put the two of them on the same side next to their son. This was after my parents did their picture with us. When we got the pictures back ( they each had pictures done with their spouses after that) MIL had her hand balled up in a fist. Theirs was an abusive marriage. What an image for posterity! When we divorced I gave it to ex. I let all kinds of pictures happen. More biz the photographer, people get their panties in such a bunch over pictures. That was in 1989. I would have never dreamed to use wedding pictures to abuse people with. What happened to our world? Smdh.......