UK mum with nightmare step children
Hello everyone,
Have been a UK member for about six months, and have spent a lot of time reading other members (horror) stories of step children and what to do, how to feel, how to react, etc. I'm a newbie and I've been wanting to write (rant) for ages. What's been a relief is hearing that other people feel and react the same way as I do, so I know I'm not mad, or wrong, to feel the way I do. That has been refreshing, and also sad, to know that there are lots and lots of SMs/SDs who are going through the same thing.
My partner and I were due to get married in 2020 and then again this year - but obviously this has been posponed until the world is right again. I have two boys, 11 and 14 and they have known my OH for 8 years. We have lived together as a family for 5 years. My OH and my kids are very close, he treats them as his own, they respect his rules and he is very kind, generous and has a tendency to spoil them, as he has a very kind (to his detriment) nature. We were childhood sweethearts who went our different ways, and 30 years later found each other again. He has two children who are a lot older - 27D and 29S, they both have children and he is a grandfather of 4. Both his children "tolerate" me, but neither of them want to have a relationship with me. I'm at best a distraction for their kids, at worst the woman who stole their father. I'm not. He had left his wife and was living on his own when we got back in touch. The unfortunate thing is he desperately wants his kids and me to have a relationship - to facilitate this he makes me buy all the gifts, I write all the cards, In his eyes, his children will be thankful and grateful - HA! So for the sake of being "nice", I play with the grandkids, I make dinners/lunches, etc. He so wants us all to get on - and we just don't!. It's nothing specific really, odd comments, snidey remarks, etc. They want to be in their dad's life and not mine nor my two boys - and that's the bit that makes me sad. I feel for my two, as they really love the grandkids, and they enjoy playing with them and vice versa - but they are ignored from his kids. It's ALL about them and their children. We just - don't exist. Over the years they have been hugely jealous of our close relationship and his relationship with my boys. His son stated when his first child was born that I wasn't grandma I was just me. That his kids didn't need another grandma. This is fine, I am ok with that. His daughter is extremely spoilt, she had a rocky relationship with her mum for years but they have since patched it up. I think she feels guilty for having any relationship with me as this will go against her mother's wishes. (It was a very acrimonious divorce and she is very bitter). When she didn;t have a relationship with her mum, she spent many hours talking to her dad and me about how she hated her mum. Now they are close again, she doesn't remember ANY of the issues they had and her mum is perfect. When she was pregnant, she said to her dad - now I am pregnant, I want you to spend more time with us, so you can see your grandchild - you need to be with us. It was a kind of threat. I just don't want to spend time with them - I wouldn't with a work colleague who was toxic - so why bother with two people who don't want to know me or my children. They both use their children as weapons against their dad, "you don't spend time with your grandchildren", "they forget who you are", "you need to be in their lives", etc. Ironically, the grandkids gravitate towards me when they come round, because I play games with them. This doesn't go down well and they are "forced" to sit on OH's lap because "they love their grandad and want to show it". Yeah right.
My problem is - how can my OH who is totally blinkered and thinks his kids are great (and quite rightly, wants a relationship with his grandkids) see what I see and support me? He can't see what they are like, he thinks I am partially to blame for backing off! We argue about them and their behaviour quite a bit. I have backed off and this doesn't help - as he thinks their feelings towards me are due to the fact I've backed off! I just can't win. I just don't know what to do. It's tricky talking about the wedding (whenever that will be!) as they both grumble and talk negatively about it. I genuinely think they would be happier for their dad to be on his own, and be at their beck and call 24/7 rather than be happy in his relationship. I feel wholly resentful to them, I dislike both of them and feel guilty to my OH that i do. I'm accepted begrugingly - but like a dog who is ignored and sits in the corner with her pups waiting for the guests to go home so we can come out and play again.
So, that's me, that's my burden I bear on a daily basis. I can't talk to him, he doesn't understand and whilst on the surface supportive, just doesn't get it. I have a lovely couple of girlfriends who sympathise and I talk to who tell me I'm right, that taking the moral high ground is the best thing to do. But it irks. And I need to know how to stop it from grating me and irking me!! And stop caring I guess.
If you've read this far - thank you! *biggrin* I really appreciate it.
This sd demanding daddy shower more attention on her and her
Future kid whilst pregnant isn't normal. When you are pregnant/married, most of your time is spent with your partner and spouse planning for the future baby's arrival. She doesn't even prioritise the relationship with her husband before her dad??
my husband several years back whilst we were on holidays in my country would have me buy handbags for his daughters to buy their love and attention. I would be ready to pay formy stuff and he would chuck more handbags on the counter for his daughters and ask me to pay for it.
then when it came to next mert with them and hubby says your stepmum bought this for you whilst i'm there they are thanking daddy only and my husband always told them why are you thanking me, you should thank your stepmum as she bought it and they just laughed and smiled and nodded their head, there was no thankyou.
i put my foot down and told hubby never again, not my bloody job and i disengaged. Those sd's at next meet up would be so fake rocking up with these new handbags bragging how much they loved it etc just so daddy would be so happy but it wasn't genuine how they were acting.
spouses and partners with kids allowed to disrespect you are not in the least motivating you to want to be intimate yet alone continue a marriage or relationship with them
SD demands attention wherever she goes
Unfortunately his daughter has been spoilt all her life. She demands attention with all her famiy and they have given it to her, so I guess I expect nothing less. If she's had a bad day she calls her dad. If she needs DIY adivce, she calls her dad, if she needs to vent, she calls her dad. The husband doesn't get a look in, he doesn't get to hold their baby, he didn't get to choose all the baby's names (she has three), he is I'm afraid, what we call in Enland a sap, someone who doesn't have a voice, just sits there and agrees with everything she says. She doesn't work, and he feeds the baby at night so she can rest and have sleep - yes, I know, ridiculous! She would never marry a strong man, and I'm afraid her dad isn't strong. He hates disappointing them, and because of the animosity with his ex wife, he tries too hard to give them everything, because both his son and daughter's love is "conditional". I have told him all this....but he disagrees, as he would. She also thanks her dad only for the gifts, etc. He does say that it's me who buys them, but it falls on deaf ears, and the situation is repeated the next time. We just go round in circles! I've tried with both his kids to give them advice, to give them gifts, but it's always unthanked, unappreciated.
It's just finding a way to tell him that I don't want to get involved which won't backfire onto me that is the hardest thing. Understanding that everything I've done and given has been a one way street is really hard. The only ammunition I have is the grandchildren, as they do seem to like me more than him - which makes me sad but in the same light, I laugh inwardly as it gets their backs up! Petty and not the way a lady of a certain age should behave - but it's what I'm left with!
The feeding bubs at night even if you’re a stay at
Home mum is expected and normal. Hubby doesn't get a free pass because he had a 9am-5pm job during the day. If its a young baby and she has been feeding it and changing diapers all day, the dad should be feeding and doing some diaper chcanges at night. my husband would leave for work before 7am and home around 9pm obviously with a newborn every 2nd day he would come home around 5pm and help care for our newborn. Mummas need sleep too and no they don't catch up on sleep during the day when bubs sleep, thats some bullshit society claimed should happen but isn't reality.
your man has elevated his daughter into alpha female status and you are the new woman only good enough for free babysitting. So next time she says "hey babysit my kids" you say firmly "NO!!" And walk away. You don't owe an explanation. If she cries to daddy about it to bitch about how you won't babysit, its frankly not your job and since she doesn't show respect to you in your home, NO!!
also your man needs to protect privacy in your home and stop uninvited guests. If you are the stay at home housewIfe taking care of the home, he needs your permission for guests to come over. Frankly he can meet them in their homes. As to the exwife regularly coming onto the property, he needs to put his foot down. Its inappropriate and skids are perfectly capable of meeting their mum outside or at her home.
its a serious invasion of your privacy
Next time he harps on
Next time he harps on about wanting you to have a relationship with his kids, tell him to go and work on them about it because you have exhausted all avenues and nothing has changed. Therefore, it may not be you who's the problem. If he says you need to try harder, ask him exactly what he wants you to do - you want concrete examples and not some airy, fairy, up in the air, vague notion.
Stop buying all the gifts and writing all the cards. Those are his jobs.
I also suggest you stop tlaking about the wedding to them/in front of them. To start with it's none of their business and to continue, they've been clear they're not supportive and they're not interested so why waste your breath?
His kids don't want a
His kids don't want a relationship with you. You don't want one with them. He is disrespecting all of you by trying to push it. He should be putting you first. Instead he puts himself first. He needs to get a grip on reality and figure out this is real life, not The Brady Bunch. He can buy gifts and sign cards himself.
Your SO is chasing a
Your SO is chasing a fairytale that will never come to fruition. His kids don't have to have a relationship with you, and you don't have to have one with them. You are all adults and choose your own relationship. He wouldn't force you to have a family-type relationship with a neighbor, would he? His kids are, to you, more similar to a neighbor than a family member. Everyone should be polite and respectful, but there is no need for a family relationship.
You tried it his way. It didn't work. WHY is that your fault or your problem? It isn't. Seriously, there is no woman alive that his kids would accept other than their BM, so it's truly not about YOU at all.
My DH and I have been married for 15 years. The first part of our marriage is similar to what you describe. I tried and tried, spent money, went out of my way, figured if I tried hard enough they'd see that I was a good, nice person. Nothing worked. But as soon as I put the responsibility for DH's relationship with his own kids back on DH, everything got better. Our relationship is cordial, sometimes even friendly as the years go by.
There are still times when I absolutely feel like the outsider, but they are few these days. Mostly around their holiday traditions (and my holiday traditions? I have those?). But it's much, much better otherwise. I love the grands, but I'm not grandma. I'm the wife.
Your SO is the problem here. He needs to live in actual reality, not the reality he'd like to exist. Set your boundaries. He might get upset, but so what? You're upset NOW, right, and he doesn't seem to care about that.
Wow. If I really want you to
Wow. If I really want you to have a relationship with my DS Will you do all the shopping & hosting? What an awesome deal your SO has. I'd take it in a heart beat.
Seriously, skids don't seem to want anymore then a civil interaction when necessary & that is ok. They've pointblank told you that you are not grandma. Drop the rope and take care of your own.