Trying to Be Nice
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I have been married for over three years and I have always been kind to the grown and married SD's. They have never been rude, they just hurt my feelings and I try not to let it bother me. Just small things (but they are beginning to annoy me). They refer to our house as Daddy's house. They call and never say tell SM hi or how is SM? Anniversaries are never acknowledged or my birthday. I always send cards and money for theirs. They post on social networks that it was great seeing their dad. It is like I don't exist. Maybe this is normal but it is all new to me. Normally, I get along well with young adults this age (I have children their age)Does anyone else have these issues or am I being too sensitive? Thanks.
We all here are experiencing
We all here are experiencing or have experienced the same things and much, much worse. You do have to learn to have a thick skin when you are a SM.
My SD does those same things. She thinks my house is "dad's house" even though it is in my name and I had it before we married. She thinks our money is "dad's money." She comes and goes without ever saying a word to me. She asks me to babysit through DH (why can't she just call me and ask me?) and when she comes to pick him up she thanks DH for babysitting even though he just got home and I've been the one there with her kid all day.
When I got together with my
When I got together with my 2nd husband, my almost adult daughters gave him a very easy time, were sweet to him and always have been. In contrast, my step daughters have treated me badly from the word go. I believe it has a lot to do with the biological parents attitude to the new status quo, my SD's mother was hostile and aggressive to me, and so were they, whereas my ex-husband has always been accepting of my 2nd husband.
You can read more about these type of issues in the book "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin, if you care to. Your issues are very common - a look at the posts on this forum will tell you that. However, having tried hard to be kind for 3 years is probably enough. I would disengage from the adult stepkids now, and try not to let it get to you so much. What is your husband's attitude to them ignoring you? A lot of husbands seem scared to incur the wrath of their children by standing up for their wives - and end up losing them eventually when the wives have had enough.
I was just coming on to post
I was just coming on to post something very similar. I experience the same thing. One SD (28 years old) lives with us and the other SD (31 years old) lives in another state. The out of stater visited last year for the in-state's birthday and it was one of the most hurtful experiences of my life. My daughter from a previous marriage (25 years old and living with us also) was deemed "spoiled" and is very disliked by the out of state SD. The SD that lives with us, is very friendly with my Daughter but when her sister is around, not-so nicely. They exclude her from conversation and outings and when they were confronted by their dad, they accused him of playing favorites. It was awful. Although everyone pretends to get alone that is not really the case.
Next week is visit time again and to say I am apprehensive is an understatement. I want to hope it will be pleasant but I fear it wil not be. I am afraid my fear and apprehension is going to cause me to find it unpleasant no matter what.
If you can find a happy solution to your issue then I can surely do the same.
I know it is unrealistic to have everybody be happy but can't it be so for 5 days?
No, you are not being too
No, you are not being too sensitive. My 28 year-old SD has always been the same way. One time we had taken her out to dinner and it was to be my birthday in the next couple of days. My DH mentioned it and she just looked at me. Never said anything like "Oh I hope you have a nice birthday". Nothing. She always says thanks dad, but not once has she ever looked me in the eye and said thank you to me. Was your husband living in that house when he met/married you? We bought a house together and whenever she would leave a message on the answerphone it would always be "Hi Dad" as if I don't exist so I know how you feel! If I had moved into a house that he was living in previously I could understand her referring to it as "dad's house".
@ Stepaside This is soooo
@ Stepaside
This is soooo true!! I have had an ongoing rocky relationship with all 3 adult Skids, all girls (25,23,21)
It's been hell off and on for 4.5 years. I have finally started to back off on the 2 who seem to treat me bad and save my energy for SD21 who has really changed her attitude towards me over the last year. We actually talk and get along. She's a senior in college and she actually calls or txts me when she is having issues- especially health issues even tho me and her BM are both nurses. This has showed me alot. The other two SD are unpredictable and back stabbing. Many times they are nice to your face and will throw you under the bus the next minute. I still hold a sincere distrust when all three of them are together with the BM- I try not to let it bother me. I know they are talking about me- and BM infects their brain with her own Venom and hatred. I can usually tell by the way the girls act. SD21 has changed and grown up more than her older sisters. She has finally accepted that her dad is happy and we are happy together. I think alot of the underlying hatred came from the girls wanting their parents to get back together- and they seen me as a "temporary" thing in his life. SD23 currently lives with us- and has proved (for the 2nd time in 4.5 years) that we cannot live under the same roof. I always feel guilty because I want to have a good relationship with all his kids but all it does is drain me emotionally.
It is so hard to be mean. WE
It is so hard to be mean. WE don't want them to treat us that way and it hurts. I feel like if I ignore them I am treating them the same way. I understand that they don't recognize us as their "family" but that doesn't change the reality that they ARE family. We are married to one of their parents! We have the same last name they do. It doesn't matter to me that they dont' think any of OUR belongings are OURS, it only matters that my spouse recongizes that it is OURS.
I want so much to just ignore it but it is really hard. I know exactly how SECOND feels, she feels hurt. I dont send cards anymore - my husband signs both our names on cards and gifts. They don't send me cards or gifts or even recognize me. It doesn't make you feel better to be mean.
There has to be a way to deal with all of this without being mean.
My DH and I have been married
My DH and I have been married almost 13 years. I also have been treated like the rest of you the last 6 years or so. Prior to that everyone got along and it we had a nice family unit. But it seems once the skids reached adulthood they needed someone to blame for their failures or missteps in life and I became it! Sadly I even get treated like this from the SS's wives. The one SS lives out of state and when his wife sends us pics of their child the envelope is addressed to my DH only. Text messages containing pics of the gkids come to DH's phone only. Whenever I see the skids that live in the same state they rarely say hello to me and NEVER ask me how I am doing etc. I disengaged from them 6 months or so ago and I felt bad at first because I too felt I was being mean by not sending cards for bdays and asking my DH how they were and I am not a mean person, quite the opposite actually, very giving and kind. But I don't feel that way anymore. My life is so much better and I FEEL so much better. Not sad and depressed about the drama and the bad situation that I can't seem to change. We are only treating them the way that they have been/are treating us. So I no longer feeling guilty or bad about my behavior towards them. This appears to be very normal behavior for skids towards SM. So it won't matter how nice and kind we are to them we will ALWAYS be the scapegoat for all that goes wrong in their lives. Unless they someday grow up and realize they have to stop blaming others and take responsibility for their words, actions/inactions.
My skids are the exact same
My skids are the exact same way. They ignore me and treat me like I don't exist.
Christmas cards are addressed to my husband. No Mr & Mrs. Just Mr.
They now only call my Dh's cellphone, but when they use to call our home phone, the only thing they would say if I answered was "Is my dad there?" Not even a hello or anything.
They refuse to have anything to do with me. The problem with treating them the same way is that it's giving them what they want. Reminding them that I exist and am married to their father pisses them off and gives them a dose of their own medicine.
I never expected to have a
I never expected to have a relationship with SD and SS--they were teens when I came into their lives. I have been very neutral toward them, friendly but not pushy. The relationships are gradually warming up but I too have felt slighted then remind myself, screw it. The mentions of "visiting Dad" the cards to him (never any to me), etc. The best I ever hope for is to be considered a friend. With my life experience and brains, I'm a good one...if they want that.