Husband has cancer; his family is avoiding him anyway
After several years of strife, DH's two daughters (Troll 1 and Troll 2) have pretty much dismissed him from their lives and the lives of grandkids. Troll 1 is 24, pregnant and has a little one the same age as DH and my surprise baby. Troll 2 is in college. The Trolls managed to get DH's whole family - mom, dad, brother, sister and spouses - to take their "side" against DH. They don't have contact with their little brother (age 3) and the rest of the family follows their lead, other than one aunt of DH. The daughters go on social media bemoaning their "fatherless" status, but don't return his calls or texts or emails, because they wanted Dad to stick by alcoholic Mom, instead of divorcing and later remarrying. I was never in the picture during the marriage breakup, but they seem to blame me for it. Troll 2 has gone so far as to wish me and my son dead, and for the brief time she lived with us, cause havoc up to and including beating up one of my BDs.
Dh's aunt says the Trolls were spoiled by DH and his ex and have come to expect that they make all the decisions. The family goes along with them partially because they think kids should get a say in their parent's remarriage and partially because they know if they stood up to these kids, they would also be cut off. So instead, great examples that they are, they have cut DH off. Fine, until now, and I am trying hard to work this out as best I can. DH let his mother and daughters know about his cancer diagnosis last month, and has surgery coming up within ten days. Mom said "oh we are worried for you" and that was it, an email and nothing since then. Daughters have said nothing. Troll 1 comes around when she wants money or presents, and Troll 2 has not even seen or talked to DH in a year, and for three years before that only when court ordered to do so.
DH is obviously upset and sad that he has no family who cares enough to even call regarding his illness. I feel badly for him and especially because if there was no me, they would be all over him with gifts and visits and calls, probably. I guess I am partially just venting here because that just seems totally beyond evil to me, and partially to ask - is there anything I should do to try to mend these fences? Even as I type that I know that anything I do will look like interference; I have tried and tried, in the past, to get this family to work together or at least put the past in the past. Normally, I have been disengaged for a couple of years, but this situation is far from normal, and it's hard to expect DH, battling cancer, to also mend family fences so there is some family support in place.
Thoughts?
I was shocked when they
I was shocked when they didn't at least call when he told them. Now I feel like nothing could surprise me. As a mother, I cannot ever understand this kind of evil.
yes, my family loves him and
yes, my family loves him and they have called almost daily in support of us both. Friends too. That's probably why his folks' reaction is so foreign to me. We will defeat the horrible cancer, I hope - but how sad that this is the thing that will likely make the final and irreversible break with his family.
What an awful position to be
What an awful position to be in! But is SDs didn't call him when they found out he had cancer, do you really think things will change if you try to mend the fences? Something that is not your responsibility anyway. I like Ybarra's suggestion of having friends or relatives around you - just to be safe. Also as witnesses in case DH's family gets 'incorrect' information.
I am so sorry this is
I am so sorry this is happening to your husband and you.
If you haven't done it already, get a power of attorney for health care and for finances. Check over your wills and make sure they are up to date.
That sounds horrible, but reality is that it needs to be done. It's the advice my first husband's oncologist gave before his surgery. Yes, you expect your husband to come out fine on the other side of this. And he will. But, get all the ducks in a row. Even if your husband were not sick these should be done.
The powers of attorney will prevent the daughters interference. The will, if you don't have one, you should.
Relatives, who haven't spoken to him or you in years, can suddenly appear and try to interfere. I speak from experience as one sister-in-law tried to change the funeral arrangements for my first husband. She didn't talk to me, but went straight to the funeral director ( who of course wouldn't do it).
Time for DH to update the
Time for DH to update the Will and POA to protect his wife and your young son. Better safe than sorry and to give you unequivocal authority regarding his care, and control of the estate.
I am sorry to hear your
I am sorry to hear your husband is dealing with insults ( treatment from his blood relatives) on top of the injury ( his cancer dx). Sending you and him healthy vibes and good wishes for a speedy recovery!
Do not let your SDs rent space in your head - it will not help anyone. Focus on staying strong for him and helping him surround himself with positive energy. I feel for you both: my DH got a skin cancer dx before the skids PAS'd out few years ago, and just like with your SDs, there was no reponse to his email to them about it, not in words and nor in actions either. There were no attempts made to comfort him, come be with him, or send him Get Well cards. The skids were at the time 17, 21 and 23. He got surgery and was fine. They did not call to ask how it went.
They thought nothing of it and later were annoyed when he put his utter grief and disappointment into words. How dare he reproach them? Why did they have to respond? It was un-real. He was stunned by this very palpable cruelty and contempt for him that he could not easily spin into something positive but hidden from view. His blinkers were beginning to fall off, gradually .. even though at first he **blamed me** for encouraging him to write to them so that he coud get a measure of moral support. He decided i had set it all up to fail. According to my DH, "You wanted me to let them know that I was sick so that they could comfort me, but THEY ARE NOT LIKE THAT ( and it is ok)".
May be the only good thing that will come out of this sordid story is that it will help your DH see his family more clearly - in case he needs help with that, and see you more clearly too.