SD22 Possible Pending Marriage and also a Baby on the way
SD 22 has been a nightmare to our marriage since the get go. We have been married 4 1/2 years. He has four children and I have one. SD 16, SS18, SS 21, and SD22 -- and I have BD17. SD22 lived with us recently again from end of December until beginning of June when we gave her a choice to stop living her life the way she was or move out. She wasn't abiding by our house rules, and we have three other kids in the house. If we can't get her to mind the house rules, how can we get anyone else to?
Needless to say, in five months time she lived with two different guys and was with three different guys. Got pregnant by one of them. She has made my life miserable, her Dad's life miserable (my DH) and even her siblings. Dad and sibs are just very forgiving because they just say "that's just her".
Well, she came by after being gone a month and half basically and not speaking to me that entire time -- she came by yesterday and talked to her dad. She told him that her boyfriend's parents are buying them a house, and her and boyfriend are talking about getting married (she's pregnant too). So she was talking about the wedding and inviting her biological mother. There is a restraining order preventing the BM from being around the skids and my DH. So needless to say, if we go and BM is there, we would be forced to call the police if SD22 invited Mom.
So that's not even the issue -- SD22 says to her dad, my DH, that she may not invite me to wedding. Shocker there (not). He told her that if she didn't invite me that he wouldn't come to the wedding because we come as a package deal, and I'm his wife and he is with me for life. I was touched that he stood up for me! That pretty much ended their conversation. She left shortly after that. He wasn't going to tell me that, but it came out when we were talking today. Needless to say, that while I wasn't shocked, I was pissed. I told him that even if she invites me, I'm not going. I've been around her BM's family recently and with how they treated me I don't want to put myself through that yet again. I won't go and I don't want to be around that at all. The youngest SD16 cannot be around BM so she won't be able to go to wedding. This will make us the bad guys.
I told him that I don't ever want her to be around me again -- I don't want her here ever again. I have never disliked someone so much in my entire life. I have bent over backwards for this little bitch and I am done.
I don't ever want to do another thing for her. It will always be a competition with her soon-to-be new inlaws, who are rich, and we are not. And I'm not going to compete with them. She had to go on to her Dad about how they gave her $200. I told him I don't want to give her shit for her birthday. Because now anything we give her will look like shit to the $200.
She said that people are now saying that her Dad "kicked out his pregnant daughter" -- we never kicked her out. We gave her a choice -- she made it, and moved out. She didn't like the rules, therefore, moved out.
That is correct -- the RO
That is correct -- the RO keeps BM away from all four children and Dad (my DH). We've gotten to the point that we can't stop the oldest three from seeing their mom if they force it, but we just want to get the youngest through school. That's all we wanted to do, is get them through school.
I guess I'm wondering why I
I guess I'm wondering why I wouldn't be saying "we"....."we" are a team .... "we" are married. I do care about the kids, and want what's best for them. Just because the oldest one is a pain in the ass doesn't mean I still don't want what's best for the youngest one.
We had problems with the oldest one when the BM violated the restraining order and began contacting the oldest. I have been in their lives for almost 6 years now. I realize that's not an incredible amount of time, but long enough for me to care about them.
No it hasn't been easy at all. In fact the youngest one is starting to act a bit like the oldest one. I'm just hoping that enough of a foundation was started because she was quite young when I came into her life and she hasn't seen her mom since 2004, that we can pull her through this better than her sister pulled through her teens. I would like to see them become successful. I don't hate them -- I dislike the oldest one because of everything she has done.
I can tell you this that if they would just try with me, they would have a friend in me for life. I would be their greatest cheerleader. Being a parent is hard -- being a step is even harder.
YOu are just so full of
YOu are just so full of helpful advice! Wow. The BM and SD22 and Biological grandmother have bipolar. the reason I am concerned about SD16 behaving like SD22 is that she has wide mood swings like SD22 -- like bipolar. SHE IS ACTING LIKE HER SISTER IN LIKE MOODS> I have no problem with her being in the house at all. Prior to her behaving like this she was very pleasant to be around --- she and I had a good relationship prior to these behavior problems. And do you think that having her be around her mom when there is a restraining order in effect is a good idea. Do you think the judge would have put a restraining order in place for LIFE had there not been a good reason??
I hope SD22's marriage works out too. You would be surprised what damage this woman could do. Could you please refrain from responding to my posts in the future. I find you offensive and really of no help. You obviously have not read any of my prior posts -- and do not think things through before you post anything. Judge's don't just give restraining orders out like candy.
And yes, if we allowed her to be around the Mom, then we obviously think we don't need a restraining order, so if we try to enforce the order later, the police will say " you obviously were fine with it at the wedding, what's the problem now." We ran into that problem when we let the kids go to their grandpa's funeral. BM used it against us when she violated the restraining order by taking SS18 from a track meet when she was not supposed to. Needless to say, she spent the weekend in jail for doing that, but my husband had to argue the issue with the police, get his attorney involved, call the supervisor for the sheriff. It was incredibly ridiculous. All because he allowed the kids to go to the grandpa's funeral where the Mom would be. THAT is why she can't go to the wedding. The SD22 knows this -- she should be the one not inviting her mother. She knows this -- she has a choice to make -- not invite her mother so that her dad and siblings can come (who have been there for her their entire lives). Or invite the mother who abandoned her. What do you think (sarcastic one inserted here).
Unfortunately as long as we
Unfortunately as long as we remain married to this person who has children...the skids are never truely gone..
Hi. I am new to this site,
Hi. I am new to this site, but noticed that your situation is similar to mine with an unmarried pregnant SD! She and I have had a relationship...mostly tense...since we met when she was 3 1/2. Living apart was fine, but then she came to live with us full time when she was 5....three months after we married. The way I look at it, SD has been embarrassing in regards to her behavior and very unstable since she was a teen. I can't even count how many jobs she has had. She has also been in the army and went to Iraq for a year. She came back different. Her goal going into the army was to eventually be a cop. Became one and then quit 6 months later because her old BF came back into her life. Then bango, she turns up pregnant when army is calling her...probably to deploy her again. Family is as supportive to her preg. as they can be. Her mom was pregnant with her at the same age and unmarried. Pattern is just repeating and I am sick of watching all of this. She told me, when I was pregnant with my second child that it better not be a girl because she didn't want Barbie stuff in the house. Pretty strong words for a 17 year old at that time! I had a wonderful and healthy second boy! Well I guess what goes around comes around...she is having a girl! I do not want to be a part of this and DH knows this. I knew when I married him they were a package deal, but I am so happy now that she does not live with us any longer. She currently lives 1 1/2 hours away...too close for frequent contact. I have let her know that I am not happy about her choices and she pretty much could care less what I say which is fine. I anticipate how tricky this will get as the birth gets closer and DH wants to go see her. I know he will be pissed that I do not want to go. Then what will holidays be like when she shows up with this kid and I cannot be all gushy like people will expect me to be.... I have gotten myself back into counseling because I need to be strong to deal with the flack from the family. :?
I forgot to state that SD is
I forgot to state that SD is 22 at this time and has just recently got a job...was mooching off her BF for months!
wow ScotsGirl64 she sounds so
wow ScotsGirl64 she sounds so much like my SD22! Unbelievable! SD22 is in the National Guard so she just has drills once a month, and then a couple times a year she'll be gone to drills for a week or two at a time.
I was even saying to my husband that it just makes me so sad -- the whole thing, because how is this all going to work? How are holidays going to work? Am I going to have to leave my own house so I can enjoy holidays away from her? She ignores me. And then when she brings the baby over and her boyfriend, and all the horrible things she is saying about me -- how am I supposed to be comfortable around that? When we give her gifts -- its never enough. I've even had her scoff at gifts, leave them behind because they weren't "good enough", had her give them away (right in front of me) to her sister. I mean, how rude. Why do I continue to try? Her birthday was in July, and after everything she pulled just recently, I told my husband I was done trying. I told him I was doing nothing for her for her birthday. NOT a miserable thing. I wasn't even home. If he wanted to do something then he could do it himself. I went to a friend's house and hung out for a while.
So when I say that the youngest is behaving like the oldest --- it has to do with her mood swings. I think that her older sister has influence over her, and is trying to poison her against me. I've hoped that all the good times that she and I have had over the years will win out, but blood is thicker than water. I remember the first mother's day we celebrated, and granted I expected nothing from his kids, but his youngest daughter was excited to have a mother figure in the house because their mother had abandoned them several years before I came into the picture. She made me a card (which I still have), and her and my daughter made a neat design out of chalk on the trampoline outside. The oldest sister told her not to do anything for me because I wasn't her mother (which I knew this, and youngest daughter knew this). Youngest was crushed. I could see it on her face. But this is the kind of stuff I've had to battle for many years.
Honestly, I'm flat tired. And yes, I've thought of counseling for myself for it, but what good is it really going to do for me. All I need to do is vent. Everything I try does no good. The only thing that has worked is to disengage. I get so discouraged. I do appreciate most of the people on here, with the exception of one, who allow me to vent and those who offer encouragement and helpful tips. Thank you for responding --- it helps coming from people who know where I'm coming from.
There are some days that I simply don't feel like I can do this anymore. Today is one of those days. Today has been hard.
When I first found out that
When I first found out that she was pregnant I had the "if you can't bet 'em, join 'em" attitude. Then the ridiculousness of the whole thing set in and the trailer trash that she has turned into had me changing my thoughts. I did try to give her two dresses that I thought might fit her as she gets bigger, but after a big blow up at our house when she was down with BF, she said she didn't want them and I could keep them or return them. I thought, oh well, don't do anything else. She and BF got engaged in February, she texted my DH (not me) a pic of the ring on her finger...how mature. Then when she wanted to let us know she was pregnant, she wrote us a letter or should I say wrote her dad because it was addressed only to him!! SD said she couldn't muster the courage to tell us in person! SD knew we would not like her choices...or mainly ME... What a shocker! I have thought the same...am I going to have to leave my house so I can enjoy holidays without her and the family thinking that this new kid is a good thing? DH mom had him at 19, DH had SD at 23 and DH brother had his first at 21! I guess this is normal for this family! I had my kids at 30 and 40!!! Well established with my career! Not tooting my own horn, but I feel there is a better order for things that are major life decisions! DH and his brother were not married to the moms of the kids and lo and behold, both got divorced from them!
There are often times when I look back and kick myself for even getting in this situation to begin with! I have two wonderful sons out of this, but I am tired too. So much of this IS exhausting and I like your advice to disengage. I will try this! I unfriended her on FB and try to occupy my mind with the things I can control. I sound like an AA spokesperson, but I know that its the best route right now!
My mother in law doesn't understand me and she once said, "Aren't you excited...you're going to be a Grandmother!" Oh please... Maybe she was when DH had his first when she was younger than me, but I refuse to think of myself as a grandparent. I have a 5 year old myself and feeling I am just beginning motherhood again...not grandmotherhood!!!
SD BM hs not been involved actively for years and I don't know if they are in contact with each other and don't care. But at least we did not have any interference from her as SD was growing up. BM has drug and mental health issues. Good she was not around!
Thank you for your response! I look forward to communicating! We are in the same boat!
Hi Scotsgirl --- glad to hear
Hi Scotsgirl --- glad to hear from you again. I was on vacation for a couple of days -- with the two boys and my daughter. The youngest SD16 couldn't get time off work to come with us -- was actually the best vacation we've had -- without having her there whining the entire time. My daughter had her moments, but nothing compared to SD. The boys were a piece of cake on this trip -- for the most part. This trip really made me appreciate the boys -- my SS's.
When I found out SD22 was pregnant I'll admit I was shocked -- we both were. She did have the decency to tell us in person. I remember when she told us, she had told her dad first because I was babysitting for the evening. Then my DH had me come downstairs and said she had something to tell me. I had no idea what it could be. The amazing thing was that we had been getting along for 2 months easily, and it was really quite nice. When she told me, she was having a difficult time telling me and I said "what? are you pregnant or something??" The look on her Dad's face and her face told it all to me. I went over to her and hugged her, and told her "we'll get through this, it's okay." I really meant it. I didn't want her to think we wouldn't be there for her. Her BM had abandoned them, and I sure wasn't going to abandon her during this time.
The next day I sat down and talked to her about it more (the night before it was very late), and told her that while it was a shock and could be better circumstances, that a baby is always a blessing. I also told her that God knew this baby before it was formed in her womb and so therefore, we knew it was a blessing. Thinking about all this just makes me so sad because she forgets all the good that I've done -- and treats me like crap.
I'm sad because I was getting so excited in looking forward to this new little life coming into our family. Now I just feel nothing. She has ruined what was supposed to be a joyful time because of the way she has treated me and her dad. Because of how she has treated me I don't want anything to do with her. She makes up stories about us/me. She takes what has really happened and embellishes it to the point that you don't even recognize it anymore.
Thankfully my inlaws understand. My mother-in-law passed away last November, but prior to her passing, she did understand because my SD22 is a lot like her BM (unfortunately). The BM put my DH through hell, and thankfully my in laws were there for my husband financially and emotionally during that very difficult time. She really put him through it. Thankfully he got full custody because the court saw through her BS. The mental illness BM has is something that Grandma has, BM has, and now appears that SD22 has. She had problems long before I came into the picture. My SD16 even is beginning to behave much the same way now -- not as severe, but there are some warning signs. It really bothers me because how do you help someone that refuses to acknowledge they have a problem?
What I don't understand in both our situations is why can't the step daughters accept us? I have given so much to these girls and the boys.... I don't get it. The ejection. The boys have been more accepting of me than the girls. The boys are more like their dad than their mother.
I look forward to communicating more with you too!
Hi Again! Wow...our initial
Hi Again! Wow...our initial reactions of shock then acceptance then not being able to deal with it are exactly the same! SD has really never treated me horribly. I think since her BM abandoned her so early, she knows that I was all that she had. I don't know what she may have said behind my back thought! LOL My DH and I were discussing it and we both feel like that Army screwed her up emotionally and she has been feeling on the outside since DH and I have two bio. sons together. Her old BF came back in her life when she was low and living in another state. Perfect timing for the knight to come rescue the damsal! I don't trust SD's BF and he is aware of the family's feelings. I don't hold back.....
We know there is a reason for this baby and it may be because she needs to start her own family. She and BF live 2 hrs away and have no support where they are. NO family and no intention to move back to our state. I don't know how these two young people expect to keep up this ridiculous plan, but its not my problem.
My DH went to MIL house today with our two boys. SD was driving down to visit at MIL house. I chose not to go; just can't deal. DH didn't like my choice, but I tried to explain myself the best I could.
I too feel like SD is like BM. I have been wondering about alcohol usage with her and BF since return from Iraq. No counseling so I think they are both medicating themselves. There are so many similarities between SD and BM and my DH doesn't even feel close enough to her to advise her to talk to someone. She keeps all at bay. I think my SD can accept me and has, but when she could not look at me in my face and tell me she was pregnant, I know she is well aware of my thoughts of this. SD has/had the potential to go quite far academically and I always thought she would make a wonderful attorney. Well she is pregnant, unmarried and is a dog-groomer at a local pet store chain.... Go figure! I am not being judgemental as there is a job for everyone, but she has settled and I know will look back later and wonder, especially when BF dumps her, why did I make these choices!!
At this point I feel it is best not to talk to her because I just cannot promise I will not lash out at her for her stupidity! I will then get berated by everyone for upsetting her when she is pregnant! I can't win so I just lay low for a while and work on my own issues and then re-group with my "little family" without her when she is gone. They light up my life...my two boys (ages 15 and 5)!!!
When is your SD due? Apparently my SD is due two days before my own birthday...thanks alot!!! :O
Look forward to hearing from you!
My SD22 is due in January. I
My SD22 is due in January. I keep having hope that she'll come around and quit hating us. I think what is going on is that she has all this anger at her own mother for the abandonment that her mom did to her, that she is instead placing it on us. She has been out of control long before I was in the picture. It got progressively worse when BM came back into the picture despite the restraining order that prevented her from having contact with the children. Then SD went completely out of control. She ran away, refused to go to school. When she ran away, she ran away to mother's house via bus to Montana (two states away). My DH had to hop a plane and go and get her (per his attorney's advice). The BM is a danger to the SD and her husband is. Her husband raped and choked her, and also was using drugs at the time. Yah, my DH didn't want his daughter around that. Before the restraining order was put into place and kids were still seeing BM, found out that she would let the kids have alcohol (they were quite young!). The kids told us this after BM was out of picture. I was blown away. Youngest step daughter was 9 years old at the time she gave her alcohol, SS was 11.
My SD22's boyfriend's family has been there for her, and for that I am thankful. She thinks they are wonderful. She said they totally love her (my SS21 told her "they don't know you!!"). That made me laugh. He told her "they don't know you .... and yet we know you and still love you and have been here for you even after everything you've done to us!" I was blown away he said that to her. He has even told her to quit doing things to me and her Dad to stress us out. The other kids see it, and see how awful she is. SS21 even told me many times "SD22 is crazy." I just think that she either hasn't busted her "crazy" move yet on boyfriend's family, or they have chosen to ignore it because she is carrying their grandchild and they at least want her to give birth so that their son can get custody of the baby. The baby would be better off with the boyfriend than with SD22.
It will be interesting to see what happens once the baby is born. I do hope that they can make it work and I do pray often that the Lord bless them. Thankfully they are both now working full-time, and his parents are buying them a house. So they are getting a good start in life. So maybe SD22 will settle down a little bit.
I am glad to hear that you have your work and your boys that bring you joy! I actually have my daughter, 17, and when she is with her dad, then I have babysitting each week and those adorable babies give me joy too. They are wonderful little people -- and I have some wonderful friends. My husband is pretty great too, which helps. I am glad that he stood up for me when SD22 told him she didn't want to invite me to the wedding. He said he wouldn't go if I wasn't invited. So, we'll see what happens when THAT happens. I've already told him I'm not going. Good grief, do you know how uncomfortable that is going to be?? She's got people believing we kicked her out!! When in reality SHE left! She chose to leave. So she's got people believing that I'm a bitch step mom and Dad's a bastard for kicking his pregnant daughter out. She wanted to be the victim --- now she is the victim, yet again. Oh well
As far as you not going to MIL's house -- sometimes you have to do what is best for you. I totally understand. I've gotten to the point that I'm doing to also. I don't have to do something just to make someone else happy all the time --- depending on the situation. I think for me that has come with age
It was great to hear from you again. Hope this finds you well.