Would you go to the wedding?

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My pregnant SD22 told her father (my DH) that she and her boyfriend may be getting married. Long history of bad problems with SD22 between her father and her, and between me and her. She's had problems long before I even came into the picture so it's not because of me that she's like this.

During this conversation she said to her dad, what if I don't want to invite "Sally" -- me, his wife? DH told her then he would not go to the wedding. Told her that we are a package, that I am his wife and his life, and he is with me for life.

My question now is, now knowing this that she doesn't want me there I don't want to go now, even if she does invite me. The BM's family is just as nuts as SD22 and the BM's family and BM have been awful to me in the past for no reason at all.

Should I go if she does invite me now? I absolutely don't want to be there now. I haven't spoken to SD22 since she left the house early June -- huge fight with her Dad prior to moving out. During that fight she told her Dad that he was no longer her father, that she never wanted to speak to him again, etc. Needless to say, she has spoken to my DH since, and has been back a time or two to the house (not invited). When she has come by the house and I've been here, she completely ignores me. Even the thought of being around her makes my chest get tight and causes me anxiety.

Thoughts?

What does her sibs have

What does her sibs have anything to do with this? It doesn't matter if they go or not this is the op that feels this way not the sibs.

I would be torn as well but I would leave it at that if she invites both you and your dh then I would go to support my dh as he was doing the right thing and support of you by telling his child that he will not come if you are not invited.

What should happen is that

What should happen is that the dad not put up with that BS. If he stood up to sd then he should tell her that they will sit together and they are a couple so treat them like one. My dh wouldn't put up with he would tell his child purple and I will sit together in the service and at the reception. End if discussion.

In those situations the dads so do not stand up for his bride as he should. The kids only do what they are allowed.

I came into my DH's life 7

I came into my DH's life 7 years after his divorce. When my SK's grow up and get married, they'd probably still try to seat me in the back if they even invited me.

The "reason" for putting stepmom in back is to prove a point. Pee on a tree. Win the battle. Thumb their noses. Whatever you want to call it. In most instances, it really has nothing to do with the timing of when SM came on scene in regards to Dad leaving the biomom and first family.

yeah, nope! Husbands need

yeah, nope! Husbands need support ALL the time, not on select occasions.

I also see no reason for

I also see no reason for putting the sm in the back even if she was the other woman. See the problem is tgat if these kids were brought up the right way then they wouldn't know anything about what happened and been taught respect for their father period. ANd respect for their father is not to put his wife in the back or seperate them at anhy event weather that is their wedding or not.

I didn't adress it all in my

I didn't adress it all in my last post, This is NOT BM's day and she has NO say in who sits where. It doesn't matter what happened it only matters that the CHILD has repect for their parentrs weather they are together or not. In having respect for their parents they also have repsect for those they CHOSE to marry.

As I said my dh would not put up with that BS and he would make it very clear that we are a couple and will sit together and on the front row if that is the row that is meant for the parents.

I foresee this problem with

I foresee this problem with SD26 if she ever gets married. DH would say the same thing about not going if I'm not invited. If I'm invited and my DH wants me to go with him, then I'm going. DH doesn't want to be around BM's family alone, and I'd be going for him, not SD. I can get through a wedding and reception for my husband's sake. No problem.

Heck, since we're already dressed up, we'd probably make a night of it by going out afterward just the two of us.

It makes me cry to think

It makes me cry to think about having to go. As far as the kids having seen me screaming and yelling, I have done that. I'd say I've never thrown anything, but the one time that SD22 pushed me too far and I was screaming at her to get out of the house -- this is as she is throwing a fit because I told her she had to wait until the rest of the family got home to eat her brother's birthday cake for HIS party -- and she began calling me crazy, telling me I needed therapy, etc (as I'm talking to her in a normal voice) -- she calls her dad and asks if she can have a piece of the cake and he says yes, then says that I'm having a cow (which I was not!). I simply told her no she had to wait. That was when I blew and began screaming for her to get out. I threw her back pack at the door and her shoes out the front door -- this was after 4 1/2 years of putting up with her crap and I lost it!

The other time I screamed was when she came to the house -- she comes through the door and comes in screaming and slamming the doors, and accusing me of saying things I never said. I'd been in bed with a migraine all day long. So I come upstairs to hear what is up and asked her what was the matter and she begins screaming at me. I did blow and began screaming back after listening to her ranting for about 15 minutes. I actually left my husband that night and wasn't going to come back. There is a whole lot I'm leaving out of things that she has done, and so many times that I stayed so calm through her screaming, ranting and fit throwing. So the times that I blew were final straw moments.

The last "fight" she had with the both of us when she left the house, I stayed perfectly calm and even the last four months she lived with us I never once fought with her or raised my voice to her. If she started up with things, I simply left the room and went to my room and let her dad deal with her. When she would be rude, I did the same thing. If anything I went out of my way to be nice to her --- and when I found out she was pregnant, was very supportive of her. She even told me that.

She simply does not want me there to just flat be mean -- not because of anything I'll do. She is just spiteful. I am just an easy target for her. It does make me sick to my stomach to think of going. Thankfully I do have a prescription for Xanax and I'll definitely take some before I go!! Guaranteed!

I am still very torn, but do see the logic of going to support my husband. He of all people would want to be around them even less than me --- thank you for the responses everyone and the supportive comments. Looking forward to hearing more responses.

I'd say if you don't want to

I'd say if you don't want to go, then don't. Why make yourself a moving target?

I hear ya on crying just

I hear ya on crying just thinking about going. A lot of your story and mine are the same regarding putting up with the screaming, ranting and fit throwing until we blow at the final straw. I've yelled at SD26 so loud my DH was afraid someone would call the police. I've left the home until he has changed her return plane ticket to get her out of my home.

Right now, SD26 would probably rather die than have to be nice to me. I'd rather gouge my eyes out with a dull butter knife than be anywhere she is. But whatever, I'll gnash my teeth and get through it for DH.

Lots of us understand the adult brats are so loathesome it's unbelievable. It's hard.

Twopines I'm so sorry you had

Twopines I'm so sorry you had to move out for the time being --- that is so hard. I left for about 4 days after that one incident when she came to the house screaming and ranting and slamming doors. I seriously had had enough. After a lot of prayer, I ended up going back. I do love my DH --- and I do want to get through all of this.

I wrote on my blog recently how I have begun the process of disengaging -- its not been an easy task for me, because I do care about these kids and want what is best for them, but also have realized that my sanity is very important to me!! So the disengaging process began with the SD22 the first part of June when she left the house, and I started the disengaging process with SD 16 and SS18. That is hard. BUT, I'm finding that I'm becoming happier at telling myself "I'm done" and "I don't care" and "I don't care what they think" and not worrying about what they think anymore.

It's sad it has had to come to this point, but that is their choice and this is how they want it, so they got it! And I'm now okay with it. I've realized that I'm surrounded by wonderful friends, I have a great daughter of my own and she's a blessing (while not perfect, she's pretty great!), my husband is pretty awesome at times, my parents and my sister's family are great, and I have several friends who let me be apart of their kids' lives, and love me dearly. That fills my life with joy. That's more than a lot of people have, and I am blessed and thankful for all of these people. These people remind me that I am someone who is loveable and worth being loved -- and they appreciate me, unlike my skids, so I will pour my life into people who appreciate me, rather than those who do not.

I did talk to my husband tonight again about IF SD22 does have a wedding or not, and did tell him that if she does invite both of us that while I don't want to go and had previously told him I absolutely would not go, that after listening to everyone here, that I had decided to change my mind and that I would go and support him and be there for him. That made him happy.

He is torn because she is his daughter, but on the otherhand, he says that he cannot stand her (actually said that) --- and has even said that if she wasn't his daughter he wouldn't have anything to do with her because she drives him nuts. He's even called her crazy, on numerous occasions. He says he can only handle her in 15 minute spurts, and then she can go home until the following month --- that's how much he doesn't like her. She really is a miserable human being. I feel sorry for this child she is going to give birth to. I really don't know how she is going to do this. It will be interesting to see how that all unfolds too.

I just want to thank you all again for your support -- and don't know what I'd do if I hadn't found this forum. Thank you!

I don't think that I would

I don't think that I would go. I will also find myself in this position next year, I think.

So far SD's wedding has been announced and she has asked DH to walk her down the aisle, but the last time they met face to face, she trashed his "parenting skills" again and said that he didn't show enough interest in her life. SS also gave DH a dressing down about how much DH SHOULD be interested in SD's upcoming wedding, it's a very exciting time for SD and DH should be paying her more attention. So who knows, maybe by the time the wedding comes around, DH will be uninvited.

DH has also said that if I'm not invited that he will not attend. We'll see. SD continues to claim that she has no issue with me, her behaviour says otherwise.

I reckon that I've been disliked to varying degrees by both SD and SS and most definitely BM. BM was a total bitch back in the days when we still had contact with her (when skads were skids) and I'm pretty sure she's badmouthed me to every member of her family who will all be present at the wedding. The last time I was in the presence of skids and SD's fiance, they again took some opportunities to show me my place, including the fiance. For these reasons, I would feel like I'm walking into the lion's den by attending her wedding. It would give them plenty of opportunity to pull passive aggressive stunts - or worse.

DH also tried to convince me that I should go in order to support him. However, not to be petty about this but ..... where was his support for me all these years? I don't think the need to support him is a higher need than my need to stay away from these people and make it clear to them that I am no longer open to their shitty behaviour towards me.

My thinking now is: I do not in any way want to pursue a relationship with SD (or SS), so I don't want to be hypocritical and show up at her wedding. I feel that if I attend, it opens up a door which I would rather remain shut.

Good point - why should you

Good point - why should you give more respect than what is given to you? This was the case when my SD got married. I had endured years of viscious nastiness from her with absolutely no support from DH. He went alone. After the wedding his relatives phoned me and said they could not blame me for not going. I think sometimes we think we are the only ones who see the skads rotten behavior but others see it too. If your DH has been totally supportive of you, then go. Otherwise, why put yourself through the misery?

"My thinking now is: I do not

"My thinking now is: I do not in any way want to pursue a relationship with SD (or SS), so I don't want to be hypocritical and show up at her wedding. I feel that if I attend, it opens up a door which I would rather remain shut."

Dory you do make a good point there .... that if you attend that it opens a door that you would rather remain shut. I never thought about it that way. I have tried for years with this girl to get her to like me, be civil to me, be at least friendly, and it always ends badly ..... always. And I told my husband, again, last night that I'm done trying with her. I don't want to be around her anymore --- I don't want to put myself in a position to be hurt by her anymore. I don't want to invite her to family holiday functions only to have them ruined by her. And every holiday is always ruined by her. It's like having an alcoholic in the family that gets drunk and ruins every family holiday, except she's not a drunk. She's just a crazy nut job. My husband agreed that she has ruined every holiday that she has been to, she has ruined every vacation that she has come on, etc. WHY would I want to subject myself to that any further?? Because we would all simply be on pins and needles waiting for her to make her crazy move -- and its not a matter of if it will happen, its WHEN it will happen. She is a time bomb simply waiting to go off.

The wedding -- if it happens -- I'm torn as to attending or not. My husband has been supportive of me through most of her nastiness. He's kicked her out of the house three times on account of her behavior, and has supported me on the times that I have told her to get out when she's been disrespectful to me. So at least I have his support there. And he has said that if she doesn't invite me, he won't go, and I do believe him. He is a man of his word.

The reason I say the wedding "if it happens" is apparently she and the boyfriend got into a huge fight and there was talk of already splitting up. Huge shock there (not). I'm sure she has let "crazy" out a little bit, and boyfriend has gotten a glimpse into what his life will be like with Ms. Crazy. She can only contain her craziness for so long, and then she just lets it rip. So we'll just see what happens. I may be getting worked up for nothing!

If she is that unpredicable,

If she is that unpredicable, why take a chance she will stay sane at the wedding? It's like walking across a freeway and hoping you're not going to get hit. Your DH has supported you before andd has seen how obnoxious she can get. He should understand why you do not want to attend the wedding - or have anything to do with her.

SMofknowitall you missed what

SMofknowitall you missed what I was saying all together! I said that since the op's dh told his child that if his wife was not invited that he would not go either. He did the RIGHT thing and SUPPORTED his wife and stood up to his child for his wife. Since he did that I would go with my dh to let him know I support him in what he did for me not to support him at the wedding! Really that went right over your head didn't it??

All four of my skids are

All four of my skids are married with children. I was involved with both of my SS weddings. I actually planned the oldest SS wedding and was invited to everything for the youngest SS wedding but it was in another state so I couldn’t help plan it. My 2nd oldest SD was estranged from her Dad for several years and it began when she was a Sr. in high school til a few years ago. During this time, I was invited to her first wedding. She had her Mother walk her down the aisle (even though her Dad was there) and she and her mother told everyone that her Dad didn’t contribute financially to the wedding at all. Interestingly enough she nor her Mom ever asked my DH for any money for the wedding. We paid for SD’s wedding gown as I told him it was the proper thing to do and she seemed happy that we did so. She divorced and several years later she married her boyfriend after moving away from him for a few years and then got back together with him when she moved back home. They had a small wedding I guess (only her sister and HIS family were invited). She did not invite her Dad and her Mother was not there. She had a wedding reception a few months later and she only invited her Dad and her brothers. She did not invite me nor did she invite her brother’s wives. We assume that she only invited the boys as the invitations only had each of their names on the envelopes. I told my DH it was his choice whether he went or not since I wasn’t invited. At first he said he wasn’t going to go as he didn't want to go w/o me. However, I knew that he wanted to go and so I convinced him to go. He went alone and neither of the boys went. Of course, the ex was there with her husband and annoyed my DH most of the day. Of course my DH never actually asked SD if I was invited or not but she never asked him where I was that day. Fast forward 9 months or so and she’s divorced. She married again last year. She had a very small ceremony with just her new husband and each their respective children. Shocker, she invited DH and myself! I really didn’t want to go but I knew that my DH wanted to especially since she and he were talking frequently again. It ended up being just us, a friend of SD and her new FIL at the wedding. No BM or siblings were at the wedding. It actually was a rather nice time and we were treated nicely by SD and new SIL. So I would encourage you to go for the sake of your DH. I think HE would be uncomfortable if you were not with him. I know that my DH was not comfortable being at the reception without me as he told me so. You never know, it may not turn out as badly as you think it will be

I think you should go simply

I think you should go simply to get to know Tatum's MIL and befriend her.

So this means the STEPdad

So this means the STEPdad gets to sit in the front row? And where will HE be sitting during the reception? If they want to treat the stepdad like the SM maybe he will be sitting at the back table with you? LOL Ya, I'm really glad now I did not attend SD's wedding.

DH has already been told by

DH has already been told by SIL who was told by SS, that I would be invited to SD's wedding and also that I would be sitting at "top table" with DH. Now, that perhaps looks respectable, but there is still no way I want to attend SD's wedding.

I think my SD likes to play it more subtle than not having me sit with DH - too many people would ask too many questions and it would be soooooooooooo obvious that SD or BM had a problem with me.

My skids' passive agressive tactics are more of the "under the radar" variety. I imagine SD's friends and BM's family might look at me suspiciously after ALL THE TROUBLE I have caused by marrying a divorced man with children! All the alienating I've done, all of my evil ways, the level of disgust that SS feels towards me because I'm a SAHM living off my husband's hard-earned money - all of those terrible aspects of Dory would be up for viewing by any other guest who is in skids' circle of family and friends. And that would be pretty much all of the guests. So, no thanks, I'd rather give it a miss.

“And we're to hold our heads

“And we're to hold our heads high and acknowledge our place, on the bottom of the bride's shoe.” Thanks for bringing some laughter into my day StepAside. That is so true and so hilarious. A real good comedy routine could be developed about envious stepdaughters.

Momof5, Here is my opinion. I would NOT go, and no SMOKIA, I am not the other woman, but the real other woman would never be treated poorly if you get my drift.

If the door is closed, leave it closed. Too many hard feelings that will reverberate in your life for years to come arise out a self centred bride’s “very special “my” day”. Too many brides use it as another occasion to exclude rather than include. If she has treated you badly until now, that has not changed.

Save yourself the grief and stay home and do something productive like cleaning out the closets.

I've been in your shoes and

I've been in your shoes and attended all the weddings.

It wasn't fun for either husband or me. His kids are silly and and thrive in the drama as does their mother.

By the girl not acknowledging you, even though she's old enough to be pregnant, she's old enough to marry...she's still immature and cruel to people. SO the marriage probably isn't going to last anyways, who cares if you attend. That's just my own opinion from what I've seen.

Seriously, if you attend the wedding, go and then split immediately after the ceremony...husband has done his "duty" to attend the wedding..you make sure you're with him.

Forget the reception....don't give the child her time to be rude....let her be the princess with the rest of the guest while you and husband go out and celebrate in your own style with just the two of you. Lunch or dinner somewhere since you're already dressed up.

I've been in your shoes and

I've been in your shoes and attended all the weddings.

It wasn't fun for either husband or me. His kids are silly and and thrive in the drama as does their mother.

Seriously, if you attend the wedding, go and then split immediately after the ceremony...husband has done his "duty" to attend the wedding..you make sure you're with him.

DAMNED STRAIGHT YOU SHOULD

DAMNED STRAIGHT YOU SHOULD GO! Whether you are invited or not. Go on your DH's arm. Look classy and HOT and beam your happiness. The cockroaches will do what they always do when a bright light hits them. They will wilt and scurry for the closest and darkest corner they can find.

A couple of weeks before the wedding go for a complete fashion and style make over and hit the door to the church and recemption hall with confidence and watch the blended family oppostion jaws hit the floor and the the scowls on their faces for the rest of the festivities.

Be classy, engage with everyone, throw your head back, laugh and express absolute joy in the life that you share with your DH. And of course how happy you are that your preggo SD is marrying her baby dady.

Living well and expressing happiness and class that the oppostion can never achieve is the absolute best revenge and best way to prevent them from getting to you.

Basically what I am saying is ..... OWN THEIR IDIOT ASSES!

My wife has done this with my SS's SpermIdiot and SpermClan for more than a decade. Our happiness and success has turned SpermGrandMa in to an old crone because her idiot son screwed up his own life and the lives of three out of four of his OOWL spawn by three different baby mamas and she allowed him to ruin her life also. She does not see the truth of her idiot son only that my wife has the life of success, accomplishment and happiness that she does not have.

SpermGrandMa forecast that my wife would be miserable and have multiple OOWL children by several SpermDonors when my wife kicked SpermGrandMa's idiot son out for cheating with yet another 16yo statutory rape victim (alleged). Instead of failing in life my wife went on to finish HS with honors, college with honors, grad school with honors and has a thriving career as a CPA. Not to mention she has a 17+yr successful marrige and has raised her son (SpermIdiots oldest of 4 by 3 different baby mamas) and has traveled extensively internationally and domestically.

Whatever you do DO NOT LET THEM RUIN YOUR BLISS and get to you.

And WTF on the cheater topic? Not relevent to your situation. Some people apparently have a problem with basic math. Divorce + 4yrs before you met pretty much eliminates you and DH as being adulterors during his marriage to the BM of the idiot Skids. Unless of course you have perfected time travel in which case I want a pre IPO stock tip in your company.

Have fun.

Rags....thank you for your

Rags....thank you for your post! I literally logged on and saw this immediately and it made me smile! I told my husband the other night that I wasn't going to worry so much about worrying and going and seeing his ex-wife. I told him "I've seen her -- I look better than her, and I'm 10 years younger!" haha DH says "I can show off my trophy wife then" Actually I think I'm 12 years younger than her .... she was a little older than my DH .... she is heavier than me, and I've recently lost a bunch of weight and get told by people that I look "smokin' hot!" lol So yes, I agree with you! I'll doll myself all up pretty, have a gorgeous dress on, and come walking in with my husband. I've never met the BM so this will be the first time we'll see each other face to face --- so yah, I'm looking forward to that .... and for my husband being able to show me off. He deserves it for everything that she put him through with their divorce.

Yah, I'm not sure what happened with the topic on the post that I put --- yah it would be pretty amazing if through time travel if I could have been the other woman! haha! Thank you for your post .... I appreciate it and appreciate your spin on it ... made me smile and laugh!

Step Mother sits in front row

Step Mother sits in front row for wedding....according to this link:

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Weddings-1546/Step-parents-seating-escort.htm

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Would you go to the wedding?