Need to Vent
I guess I'm hoping someone out there is in a similiar situation that can understand my dilemma. My husband was divorced for 18 years and we have been married 8. Although things have improved over the years, there is still a strange connection between him and one of his grown daughters. I think there is some real unresolved issues from his divorce and him being separated from them (except on weekends). I really feel second or third or fourth in his priority list in that everytime we have ever argued it has been about her. She is very passive agressive and has never accepted me and he does not want to see this. We went to marriage counselor and he told him I should come first in his life, but it is obvious I don't and won't. I know he loves his kids, but there is no loyalty to me or our marriage. I hate to divorce again and would like to stay together until my son is at least grown so he will not have to go through that again, but it is so hurtful. Any advice on how to just coexist through the hurt? I know I'm not perfect , but I have given him a good life. I am a professional, make more than him, have treated him with respect (that he never got before), but there is something we can just not get over - his devotion and loyalty is not with me.
No, she doesn't live with us,
No, she doesn't live with us, she is in her 30s and married. He has another daughter in her 30s and it doesn't seem to be the same situation with her. She lives in another town, and he only sees her every other week or so, but they talk on the phone probably every other day. A girl that I worked with that had dated him before me said one reason they broke up was that his girls ALWAYS came first, no matter what. They had talked about getting married, but she had broke it off. Now, I see why. He says she is the closest thing to perfect he has ever seen, will break plans with me at the drop of a hat if she wants to do anything, very defensive when I try to tell him how all this feels. We went to a marriage counselor, and it helped somewhat as far as he did see a little of what I was talking about. But he gets so defensive, calls me awful names when anything comes up about her - any other time we never have problems. He told the counselor that she was alot like her mother, whom he described as manipulative, but refuses to see her passive aggressive ways when I call them out to him. It really hurts to be here and my usually reasonable husband cannot even be talked to when it comes to her. I'm at my wits end.
That won't help either, he
That won't help either, he gets mad and stays in the extra bedroom for weeks sometimes. I don't think he cares enough about me to let it bother him. He's made it very clear for years now how he REALLY feels about me and what place I belong. I just hate to but my 16 year old son through another divorce. It is so hurtful to me to be treated this way. His 34 year old daughter told the younger daughter "I took her Daddy away from her." I really feel like everyone would be happier if I was gone, except my son, who really is attached to my husband - What to do?
You have a decision to make.
You have a decision to make. Either keep your mouth shut and accept the fact that his daugther will always come first, or end the marriage and move forward with your son.
Also does DH disrespect you in front of your son? I can't imagine him being close to a man who treats his mom so shabbily.
We try to keep all of our
We try to keep all of our arguments to ourselves - he has seen us argue very few times. We usually wait until he has left to discuss anything like this. He's an ok stepdad, in that he does try to teach my son manly skills, etc. and that's one reason it is so hard. I feel like he really needs a male influence at this time in his life. I don't try to involve my son in any of these discussions either - I don't want to turn him against anyone. Although, when he is older IF we are still together I will have to caution him about what to look for from his daughters. I once found a husband's only will and two power of attorney forms his oldest had given him and told him he needed to fill out. They were still blank in his car.
If this is the only issue in
If this is the only issue in your marriage, and you can deal with it, you may just have to do as so many others here have done (including myself) ignore and disengage from the situation.
My DH's behavior isn't as blatant, but a few week ago I had the final straw. My SD (26) lives with us and a few weeks ago I put my foot down after she came home and DH told her "honey if you get too hot you can turn on the air." But he didn't say anything to me about being hot or making me more comfortable (after I'd worked 8 hours). SD doesn't work.
We had a big blow up and I told him that either I came first or I was going to start looking for a place to move and leave him with his pathetic daughter. He's promised to do better and is now on guard.
I can relate to your predicament and I know how painful it can be. I wish you the very best in whatever decision you make.
Good luck!
I can really relate to yours,
I can really relate to yours, too. I have had a few instances just like that. He usually does some of our shopping and always picks up cheap toilet paper when he goes, very cheap. So he knew the daughter and granddaughter were coming and he buys Charmin. I said wow, you never get that for us - he response - well, she's just a little girl. I agree, but im your WIFE - hello? I'm not worthy of Charmin? Small things, but they say a whole lot. I can really see where you're coming from. He will go out of his way for them, but treat me like a second class roommate. He started talking yesterday about wanting to go camping and said he wanted to invite them and what all he wanted to do. I said I understand you want to spend time with them and that is very understandable, but it really hurts my feelings that you never plan any trips for us. He got furious, I don't have to, you always plan everything....etc... It's just the plain simple fact that he is supposed to love me, I'm his wife and I have no problem with his children or his grandchildren as long as he remembers where I stand, I'm his wife. How about a little respect and attention and planning a trip for the two of us maybe? That's never happened.
Interesting comment about
Interesting comment about being roomates. I told DH the same thing a few weeks ago. Thank you stars that SD doesn't live with you.
My DH is so bad that he wants to leave the bedroom door open so SD will have access to him anytime she wants. I had to practically beg him to watch tv with me in the bedroom, as opposed to on the living room couch where she has easy access to him. Sex is something other people have. When we want to have to have a private conversation, WE have to leave the house because she's always here.
One night she cooked dinner and he and I were relaxing on the bed with the door closed . . .for a change. She knocked on the door, he opened it and she fed him a bit of whatever she'd cooked from a fork. I felt like she was his wife. I was livid and kicked him out of the bedroom.
Needless to say, I don't have a relationship with my SD and even DH knows that if I had it to do over again, I wouldn't. At this point, I'm waiting for him to start treating me like the queen - instead of his daughter. And he seems to be doing better. He knows that if he doesn't make some changes, I will. He's going to have to either let his daughter go or let me go.
Well, I hope he comes to his
Well, I hope he comes to his senses. How long have you been married? We've been married 8 and it has gotten some better. But when the s*** hits the fan, he shows me everytime where I really stand. I told him today your actions speak alot louder than your words. We have went to a counselor who told him I should come first, his children were grown and he needed to listen to me and the insight that I had into them. He also told me when I asked what I could do about the situation, "Jesus didn't play with everybody" in other words, detach if needed. You're right, I don't think I could take it if they lived here. Although, when we were first married, I gave them both keys to our house and told them they were always welcome. What a naive fool I was. He may say he understands now and I come first, but every 3 or 6 months something will come up and I will see the truth. I really feel like I need to detach from him also and just wait out my time, it's too painful to keep getting hurt over and over. He can really get nasty when it comes to them. He doesn't care to hurt me and show me what he really thinks of me, but kisses their tails. One funny thing after reading the other posts, their younger cousin, my husband's brother's daughter, told me one day, I think it really weird, SD acts like DH is her boyfriend. Everyone else can see it but him. When I told him what she said, he cussed me out and said that's because shes heard you or her mother say that. No, truth was she observed it on her own. That reaffirms that I am not crazy for thinking these things, like my DH would like for me to think, everyone else sees it too.
Have you approached the
Have you approached the daughter or used the other daughter to get through to him?
It sounds manipulative but perhaps this is a battle worth manipulating?
DH wouldn't listen to ME when I said he was too hard on skids but when I asked his very old friends from childhood to approach him, he was ... enlightened.
Maybe it takes a different perspective ... if YOU say something it is nagging and attacking his daughter but if that other daughter says something then he won't think the same.
Stepdown . .she lives with us
Stepdown . .she lives with us when she was a teen, BM threated to put her out because they didn't get along, so DH took her in and she's been with him ever since.
When we got married a few years ago, I was against moving in with the two of them, but he wanted us to bond. The plan was she would finish school (masters) get a job and get her own place. She finished school in December. Hasn't worked since - except for a few temp jobs.
She's caused conflict from day one. She's living off her savings. DH won't take any money from her. She "claims" to be looking for work but I feel it's a bunch of bull sh!@t. I refuse to believe that a young person with a master's degree can't find work . .some kind of work. If she were 50, it would be a different story. I told DH if she's still her by her 28th b-day next year that I was leaving.
She's too dumb to realize how pathetic it makes her look. She's always home because she's a home body and she's always on the computer. Every few months I go away for a week to visit my sister because I get sick of looking at her.
FaithL, I wonder if your
FaithL, I wonder if your husband has some guilt for not always being available to his children, not sure what it is really. But it does sound like you feel unsupported by your husband which is something I felt for the longest time. My husband was always wanting to walk this thin line between me and his sons.....he didn't want to parent or be firm, he wanted the boys to do whatever and they did.....they said what they wanted, it was not easy at all.
We too like yourself have one together and I felt the same way. The marriage was suffering but I did not want to put my child thru a divorce situation. For me what made the difference was when my very bitter and angry stepsons started going to their dad as adults and complaining about me. Of course he had made them feel they could do and say anything. But the boys were saying things that were untrue and husband knew it. he finally opened his eys to what I had been saying for years. he now supports me fully.
I'm not sure what you need to do here but it sounds like you really need the support of your husband.
Sorry Mustang, it was our
Sorry Mustang, it was our counselor that told me that not DH. I guess I wasn't clear. He also told us the same thing that you said about what the Bible says about priorities in the family. DH knows this, but his heart evidently doesn't.
I would say if your at the
I would say if your at the divorce questioning point, maybe try and ignore him a bit. It's hard when you have come so far in a relationship and you think you have grown, but there is one thing he's not understanding and that is that your unhappy. I know you say that he sleeps in another room sometimes so let him do that and make yourself cozy in your bed and act like you don't care. I would also suggest don't make plans with him, but if you do and he breaks them, then go out with a girlfriend or someone else and don't let him know that your mad. It'll be very hard to do, but I would say start there. Kind of shy away a bit. Maybe he will come around after he notices you NOT wanting him as much. If he doesn't notice then if you say you wanna stay for your son, then this will still help you out. Ignoring is the easiest way. If the SD comes around then maybe go in other room till she leaves.
I like the bible quote also and it's true. Wife first, kids second. It's hard to handle and accept sometimes when it comes to a man and his kids, but it's true.