At my wits end
My husband and i have been together for 12 years but only married for 1, We reside with his parents due to illness. My husband suffers from kidney failure, 11 stints, diabetis and glacoma; his father has heart issues and is in his late 80's, his mother over the past two 1/2 years has broken both her hips( which have healed not to badly) however she now is later stage parkinsons and has heart issues. We move into the home so that his mother could come home from the hospital. My husband has two childern male 31 (N) and female29 (M), I have two children male 30 (K) and 29 (J). My husband, his parent and children all lived in the same home with the children not responsible for helping with anything ever.
In order for his parents to remain in their own home we moved in to assist them, both his children were present when this agreement was made, N was to come once a month to stay a fri and sat and M was to come a twice a week in evening and one day on the weekend twice a month, neither have upheld there end. They work full time and i work full time, their excuse is their time off is there own and they need to rejuivinate. N comes ususally once every couple a months for about 3 hours to sit and tell everyont how wonderful he is. M usually will come a random night with no advance warning and expect supper and on the weekend usually comes around 430 in the afternoon for about 1 hour.
I work full time, deal with my husbands illness's and dyailsis at home, assist with his mother whom is in bed 24 hours a day with the exception of the bathroom and make sure that his dad gets out a couple of times a week for 3 to 4 hours to give him a break. I look after all household chores of a 1700 sq foot home three levels, the yard work, all snow removal. The home has had nothing done to it in 30 years so it all needed to be updated and clean top to bottom all which has become my responsiblity, all maintenance is my responsibility, laundry and all meal need to be prepared, one is vegan and two vegitarian (East Indian) no take out, my diet has changed considerably as i cannot consume a lot of spice and due to reglion i am not allowed meat, egg, cheese and alchol.
My husband continues to make excuses for his grown daugther as to why she cannot come to the house to help, she's tired she worked all week, she can't get up on the weekends till late after noon, she can't cook cause she doesn't eat like them, she has never had to clean or do chores so she doesn't know how to do anything. After 2 1/2 years i am tired of the excuses i have continued to have my boys come over to help me with many tasks especially the painting and yard work like trimming trees, digging up sprinkler systems etc etc.
I guess what i am saying is i can no longer handle the excuses as to why none of his children will help with anything? His children have gone out of their way over the years to make false accusations like i am a gold digger, I make everyone uncomfortable, i don't contribute to the house hold (even though i pay through my nose). I received a text message telling me to get the f out of their home, that i was a physco b, i make everyone uncomfortable, i an useless etc etc. And that his son would come an slap his dad around because he would not listen to him. WHO the Hell behaves this way.
The excuse is his son is only doing what his wife wants its not his fault, i have nothing to do with him for 2 1/2 years he comes to the house we leave for the day. My hasband tells me he is trying to deal with his daugther, he has had her take out the garbage twice now so things will get better. OMG i am rambling but i am so upset and angry i can hardly think anymore, i am tired and cannot seem to get everything done and it drives me crazy.
Every day i do the meals, dishes, garbage and then deal with the dialysis issues and whatever comes up and to make sure his dad gets out during the week as he is home all day with his wife ensuring she gets to the washroom which is not an easy task, gets her meds, eats he is so tired as well
How do i get them to understand this is their grandparents? the people who have made their downpayments on their homes, paid for their education, paid for their cars, lent them money 24/7 always been there for them.
You can't. The are not
You can't. The are not children, they are adults. Rotten adults. Start hiring outside help. IF the parents could afford to put the skids thru college and help with other things, then they can afford a maid once a week. You need to find other solutions. Its been made clear that the skids are unreliable. What happens if you collapse from exhaustion? What will these people do then? Parents and hubby need it made real clear to them that you are on the verge of a physical breakdown if they do not hire help.
As for you, let some things go. When you stop doing, things will back up and they will have to find a solution.
You need help. There's no way
You need help. There's no way that one human being can care for 3 nearly bed ridden adults, work a full-time job, provide for highly specific dietary needs, and be a handy man and gardener at the same time!
Get the whole family together and tell them that, since you are damaging you own health trying to take care of everyone, they are either going to have to pitch in with their time or monetarily. Kids only think of themselves, but now is the time they need to step up one way or another. Let them know that the situation is dire,that all the parents and grandparents are tapped out physically and financially, and any hope of an inheritance is a pipe dream of you are required to hire people to take care of everything.
If they're not willing to help, get powers of attorney from all of the disabled adults and figure out what the financial situation is and hire help. Consider a reverse mortgage on the home to get some cash flow if necessary.
You just can't be all things at all times.
Stop expecting ANYTHING from
Stop expecting ANYTHING from those adult brats. They were raised (by your H) to be takers, and that what they are.
What is your financial situation? I assume you are receiving some type of compensation for being the primary caregiver to these three adults? If not, you need to take a good, hard look at the situation. What was the long-term care plan for your in laws? How much is your H able to assist??
Martyrs finish last, and no one appreciates them until they die. You need help, both with respite care and household chores. Have all legal affairs been sorted, POA, wills in place, etc? Please tell me these brats won't be inheriting more than the proverbial $1. I cared for my mother unassisted in her last illness, and was worn to the bone in just six months so I feel for you. This is very unfair to you, and not sustainable. You need to have a come to Jesus conversation with your H and implement some changes ASAP.
Thank you
My Husband is terminally ill he is waiting on a kidney transplant, my in laws have their will done the step daugther is the executor so that will prove to be interesting. Not certain as to any of the details but i would hope they have provided for my husband as he is not able to work.
I will take the suggestions as offered and look for hired help to assist with the tasks at hand. Thank you for listening
They will understand if you
They will understand if you stick to the facts. Present the facts in an age appropriate manner, stick to those facts, do not tolerate deviation from the facts. They will catch a clue.
We used this method in keeping our son abreast of the situation regarding his Custody/Visitation/Support CO that governed his life and our family from the time he was 1yo until he turned 18. We kept to the facts, his SpermClan manipulated and lied.
The result of this method is that he asked me to adopt him when he was 22 and his SpermClan quit nearly all contact with hm when he was 18. He wears our family name on his USAF uniform and has had little to do with his SpermClan since reaching the age of majority. He has know of the SpermClan manipulations since not long after his earliest memories. He was the target of many of those toxic actions.
I would suggest that you stick to the facts and present them without fail as far as the grandparents support of the toxic StepSpawn is concerned.