Is consistency too hard to ask for?
My FH and I have been living together for just under a year (he moved into my house). My BS7 & BS9 live with me except every other weekend where they have visitation with their BF. My SD12 & SS10 are here every weekend as per their custody arrangement. In the beginning things were so bad that he'd bully my kids (he's litterally twice their size), he would destroy stuff in my house, flat out disrespect me, etc. A few months in after he moved in with me I finally stood my ground and told FH that the choice was his, he either corrected the behavior or whenever his kids were at the house, I would take my kids somewhere else and would make it a point not to be part of SS life. I try to run a structured household as BS9 has ASD. I try to keep things structured, even on the weekends because it creates a more managable environment for my kids. FH kids, however, don't come from a household with any type of structure. When he moved in, he and I were in agreement that the same rules needed to apply to all of the kids, all of the time while they are in this house. Well on the surface this works but I'm constantly having to remind him and he doesn't follow through with his kids at all when my kids aren't here. I've disengaged as far as his kids are concerned. They are his children and untimately he's responsible for their upbringing, not me. Instead I've created signs for the house to "help" remind everyone of the rules that really get under my skin. I suppose in my mind if it's posted for everyone to see in a fashion where is applies to everyone, it gets me off the hook by being the wicked stepmother. Little things like turning off the lights and cleaning up after yourself in the bathroom, putting shoes on the shoe rack instead of the floor, put toys away before you move onto another task, etc. This still doesn't help. When I do get irritated enough to say something, usually its SS who's guilty, he goes home and cries his BM that I hate him then FH gets a phone call. When he and I talk about it he acknowledges SS is just being manipulative and doesn't like being corrected by a woman (don't even get me started on that particular topic). But when the weekend comes around...poof its like nothing ever happend. FH has no problem backing me up with my rules when it comes to my kids but when I'm not around to witness it, he lets his kids practically anything they want because he wants to be the "fun dad".
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You have a FH problem because
You have a FH problem because he won't discipline his kids. Since he refuses...
Tell him he needs to take visitation elsewhere: hotel, Airbnb, etc.
If anything happens to BM, your FH could have his kids 100% of the time. Can you live with that?
I'm sorry, SS doesn't like
I'm sorry, SS doesn't like being disciplined "by a woman"? And your FH hasn't corrected that very flawed and toxic mindset in a 10 year old?!?!
Your FH needs to move out. He won't respect the rules that he agreed to and enforces in others. That spells disaster for a lot of things, not just his kids. If you want to date while living separately, fine. But living together isn't going to work because he's even more disrespectful than his own kids since he lied to you about actually being respectful of household rules.
There are plenty of skids with that flawed view and that
stepmums (aka daddy’s whore) is nothing but a slave maid who’s job is to treat precious ss/sd’s as king snd queen because they should not be expected to be decent and pick up after themselves
my ss was 17.5 and told his uncle it was a womans job to raise kids and do all domesticated work with that smug look on his face. His uncle corrected him immediately.
He loves to over exaggerate things to my husband to dob on me and paint me in a negative light but my husband knows its all lies and that ss isn’t happy being called out by daddy on shitty behaviour.
i even had a friend who said her ss at 17.5 also said it was her job to be maid of the house, thats why she was there and to do nothing else
op, you shouldn’t need to move out of your house but your crappy boyfriend does.
You guys aren't married yet.
You guys aren't married yet. Hit pause.
I would not even settle on a date until he can get his kids under control. I would also give him a deadline as to when decisions need to be made. There is no reason that your life has to be tunred upside down because he can't parent. You can live in seperate households until he decideds to parent or just call it quits.
You are still in the early stage of your romance. If he can't be on his best behavior now- do you think it will really get better? I can tell you that it 100% will only get worse.
Yes, for some people. I have
Yes, for some people. I have found that some people seem incapable of being consistent - usually because they do not really believe it is needed.
Sometimes people are not compatable as parental figures. You have to decide if you can find a way around this or if it is too much to handle and you would be better off on your own.
Tell this guy thank you for
Tell this guy thank you for showing you who he really is before you made the mistake of marrying him.
He is giving you lip service, simply saying what you want to/need to hear in the moment. His actions are telling you loud and clear that not only doesn't he agree with all of your household rules, but he has no intentions of enforcing them.
I'm not sure if I would break up with him(YET),but I would definitely tell him to move out and continue to date for a while. I would only go out with him when his kids were with their mother.
I don't think you guys are
I don't think you guys are compatible as parents. The rudeness,disrespect and bullying by SS is unacceptable and he doesn't address that. And you care more about cleanliness than he does, clearly. Some people are more tolerant of mess than others, and you guys are on the opposite ends of the spectrum there.
The worst part is that for whatever reason, he wasn't really honest about agreeing to follow the rules that you need in the home. Maybe he thought he'd be okay with them and found out it was too hard, or whatever. But either way, what you agreed upon in order to have him move in isn't happening. So don't YOU take your kids elsewhere on the weekends his are there - he needs to see his kids elsewhere.
The fact that you have found
The fact that you have found this site before you are even married should be a huge red flag! Don't get married, don't intermingle finances, and DON'T have a child with this man!
Your DH needs to grow up and be a parent on his own before he even considers being a husband second time around. If he can't discipline his kids then he has no business being married.