Im new - Going crazy!
I have spent a lot of time reading the forums now, and it is nice to know Im not alone. I finally got the nerve to post my own question, because I need to deal with this and Im not sure how.
I have a daughter, son, two step daughters and two step grandbabies. This whole 'step' business has been a long road. My youngest SD is 22, and is wonderful. It took her a long time to warm up to me, but has shown so much maturity and tries so hard in life. The oldest SD is 27. Ugh. She is a mess. She doesnt work and lives with her b/f on state assistance. They do drugs and sleep all day. She lies and steals and truly has no conscious about it. There were huge issues when I moved into the house with my husband because its 'her mothers house" (her mom is deceased). I get the grief. Thats a whole other long story....
It would take hours to type all of the things that have happened with this girl. I finally had to tell my husband that she was not welcome at our house unless him or I were right there by her side to make sure she didnt steal anything. She has been soooooo terribly mean to her dad and I. The things she has said are just so over the top, and so hurtful. All of this has happened over and over and over again, its exhausting. She uses her kids as pawns to hurt her dad and I, because she knows how much we love those grandbabies.
My husband forgives and forgets. He is a good man, although he could use a bit more backbone. But....she is his daughter. No matter how big of a mess she is....he loves her. Im having a tough time. I want to forgive and forget. I have so much anger and resentment, I cringe when I think of having to see her, or have her over, or anything. I dont know what appropriate boundries are because Im soooo hostile feeling. Right now I cope by keeping my distance.
Any advice?
Does Dad admit his kid is
Does Dad admit his kid is using drugs?
Either way I'd tell him that nobody who is using drugs is to be allowed in the home. It's your home and anybody who owns the home has veto power over who is admitted.
He can take her to lunch somewhere.
That is a horrendously
That is a horrendously difficult situation. As Orange County CA says - Does he admit what she is doing?
From my experience, my SD who is similar - has a baby she uses as a pawn to threaten anyone who suggests she needs a job and to stop smoking weed all day everyday. Her father finds it impossible to see anything but his "little girl". By trying to make him see the problem - my idea being to get him to stand up to her and help her to realise he won't make excuses for her forever....I have found myself now the enemy. Bad mouthed to his family and my own. All I wanted to do was help and instead have spent the last few weeks in tears.
Personally - and this is just my humble opinion, keep some distance to allow yourself (and hopefully her!) to wind down a little, explain gently to her father that a tougher line will actually help her in the long run and then strap yourself in for a rough ride.
My partner suffers from guilt as his daughter blames everything on him and her Mum's marital break up (amicable and over 17 yrs ago!) - is it the guilt of the children losing their Mum that prevents him from being able to face up to her or just a gentle nature?
Wishing you lots of luck.