My SD20 and I have always had issues, I have raised her since she was 3. My DH was the typical father who felt bad for SD for being in a broken home. For many years we argued on a daily basis over SD. SD would cause fights and then smile about it. When SD was 17 I kicked her out after she became physically abusive. BM was in the picture, we had 50/50 custody split. BM always treated me as if I was a "sister" of some sort to SD instead of an adult in SD life. BM is Bipolar, but will not take medication or see a Dr. BM works part time and always has, takes advantage of system as much as she can. BM is a pothead and thinks that this is her cure for being bipolar. I put up with years of abuse from SD because I felt bad for her that her own mother never wanted her. When I kicked SD out, SD refused to speak with DH and me for two years after this. SD blamed me for not seeing "her daddy" and said "my daddy always takes SM side) Typical stuff. After the two years, SD came back into our lives.

SD showed signs that she had changed. She even apologized to me for her actions for all those years. At this point, SD was living with a BF and BF family who all lived on welfare and worked the system. SD did not work. SD asked if she could move back home to get her life on track. We agreed and had her sign an "adult contract" to live with us. I was not going to live like I had lived before w/ SD. Besides, the two years SD was not with us, DH and I did not have ANY fights or arguements, life was great. DH has realized that the way he parented was wrong. SD moved back in. We assisted her with getting a job and furthering her education (she is in a one year education program w/ job placement). A month after SD started school, we moved. DH and I had already purchased a new home before SD moved in w/ us. Our place sold, so we agreed to pay her rent so she could live close to school and work close to school. SD ended up quitting her job. We were constantly on her to get a new job, but she ignored us. DH slipped back into his old ways briefly saying that she was in "college" and that's what college kids do, blah, blah, blah. I manage our finances, finally, DH saw the light when I showed him how much was going out a month for SD and how our savings was gone. Mind you, we were paying for SD car insurance, rent, gas and cell phone, health and dental insurance. BM got a parent loan, which she asked us to pay half of. I agreed to pay half as long as SD finished school and wasn't going to drop out or not go or get bad grades.

We gave SD a deadline to find work. She did not. We cut her off financially. She has no where else to go. She has burnt every bridge and no one will let her live with them not even BM. SD got a job thru work study program at her school. Since she can not pay her own rent (she doesn't make enough) we allowed her to move back in with us. She carpools to school with DH. DH waits two hours after his shift is up to bring SD home from school/work. SD has to pay minimal rent. SD does not come to our place on weekends, but spends it with BF at his relatives dumpy trailer where 7 people live. They all smoke in this dump and she comes home stinking, it's really disgusting. I don't mind that she is not there on weekends, it gives my DH and I time together.

SD just got her first check. It was half of what it should have been and she said it's because her boss was always leaving for conferences so she didn't get a lot of hours. She paid her cell phone bill to us so we turned the phone back on and gave it to her. Here is where things got even worse. This was on Thursday. Yesterday, I checked to see if her Grant went thru for this Semester. I have noticed in the past 3 weeks (since she moved home with us) she has missed 7 out of 15 days of school and work. I checked her cell phone record and it jives, since she hasn't called her BF when she gets out of class like she does everyday. I showed DH and he confronts her last night. She starts to scream and cry. (We know that she has mental issues, she said she wants to see a doctor about it 2 weeks ago). She over talks us and acts as if she is 15 years old. We tell her how she can lose her Grant and her Job thru work study, which she is oblivious to. We were so sick over this that DH and I left and went for a ride to cool down. when we got back DH told her he wanted the cell phone back and that she needs to find another job to compensate for when she does her externship so she can pay her bills. She ends up saying that she hates her life, she doesn't want to get up in the morning, she wants to hurt herself, on and on. We asked her about getting help and she answers that she doesn't want to have to take a pill everyday. Now, I have been around many people who need mental therapy and they ALL have given this response. We also found out last night that she is smoking pot. After a long discussion with her about how self-medicating herself illegally with pot is not going to fix her problems, she needs to start taking responsibility for her actions and bills, my DH told her she can either move out or now live his way. DH took away her cell phone, told her he will drive her around this weekend so she can find a job (she keeps complaining she has no money for gas). SD said she doesn't want to be driven around by her parents when she has a car, but we told her we do not trust her or have any respect for her and she needs to earn it.

By this time, it was like 10:00 pm and we were drained. We went to bed, I think she was on our house phone all night with BF. I got up at 4:00 am (I was up all night couldn't sleep, sick to my stomach over this crap) and she was on phone already crying and screaming, etc. I told her to get off the phone, I didn't need this crap so early in the morning. DH drove her to school this morning (they carpool) she didn't speak to him at all and when she got out of the car she slammed the door mumbling she has no gas money (again with that/ She had $90.00, it probably went to pot). Sorry this is so long and I may be jumping around a lot, let me know if you have any questions, but neither of us slept last night. My DH is really sick of her. He said he was up all night worried that she would try and kill us in our sleep. I think she should move out of our house, and honestly, I don't care where she goes. I don't think I should pay BM the rest of BM's loan, since BM has not helped us support SD and I told BM in the beginning I would not pay if SD fell back into this attitude. We don't know what to do at this point. SD refuses to grow up. She wants freedom of an adult but not the responsibility of an adult. I don't know if we should have her commited for saying she may hurt herself? I don't know weather to believe she will or not. I am thinking about calling the BF today. DH and I have no children, I can not have children. We just went thru the Foster care system and have been licensed. We plan on fostering to adopt. This is something we have wanted to do for years but did not because of SD. Now that SD is an "adult", we finally went ahead with our plans. I can not bring a foster child into our home with SD there. IF we kick SD out, BM will blame me for SD not finishing school, as BM said she was "worried SD and I wouldn't get along and I would kick SD out" and that SD wouldn't be able to finish school. We feel like we are disciplining a 15 year old teenager instead of a 20 year old adult. Do we treat her as the child she is acting like? Or do we kick her out? I know that we enable her to a degree... I don't want to see her throw away this year of schooling (she starts externship in June). Has anyone else gone through anything similar? I truly love this kid as if she were mine.... maybe because I can't have children of my own, I don't know but I don't want anything bad to happen to her. We want her to be able to have a happy life where she can support herself. Lastly, in cutting her off, her paternal grandparents ALWAYS giver her money if she asks for it. We have asked them not to but they ignore us. Maternal grandmother gave her a cell phone to use when we took hers away, so she always finds a way to get what she wants. Any advice anyone can give me, thank you in advance.