Holiday Grief, lucky miss.

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DW wanted SD30 to visit for Thanksgiving, bringing her new fiance I have not met and fiance's daughter6. The request for plans has been brought up by SD via DW several times in the past weeks.

Holidays have always been a source of anxiety, I have not disengaged from her adult brats yet.

After full-tension discussion, I said, "Sure, they can come." (I'm trying to be more tolerant of the interruption.) 4hrs. later DW tells me they won't be coming. Trying NOT to appear elated I ask a faux-concerned, "Why not?"

Apparently, SD had not even looked at her social calendar before throwing her mommy and me into this demand visit altercation; fiance's birthday party plans interfere and they would only be able to spend one night with us. Not worth the 6hr. drive each way.

Sd strikes again, playing to get her mommy's dominance working against me.

How do (WE) with SKs avoid the Holiday force-together? I've dodged Thanksgiving, somehow. Now comes that next Holiday, you know the one where the SKs and their offspring get all the pre$ent$. I'm hoping the DW travels to one of their homes to celebrate, I will, sadly, need to stay home and take care of the animals. Darn.
The Grinch.

"I don't hate all kids, just your kids"

Maybe you should just suggest

Maybe you should just suggest the Christmas plans now and get the idea planted in her head.

Sorry but nothing more I love than my kids, grandkids, and siblings and families all getting together for Christmas. DSO is always free to go wherever he wants and doesn't have to participate.

Good idea on planting the

Good idea on planting the seed.

I'm sure I would enjoy the get-togethers as well if I could see more than the backs of all their cell phones.

With all of our differences

With all of our differences and dysfunction, we just drink until we do enjoy the get togethers LOL.

Stop the excessive gift

Stop the excessive gift giving.

Our family is so large that we focus on the kids and they get 1 gift max from each of us as a unit. Me and my SO get each of my sisters kids one gift. Her and her SO do the same back to us.

Our parents go a bit over BUT they also have more disposable income and only 2 kids to worry about. I don't expect them to buy for SO's children but they do which still means they buy 9 gifts total. One for me, sitster, each of our SO's, 4 grandchild, and each other.

This really helps on the chaos and the materialism.

My brother has 6 grandkids,

My brother has 6 grandkids, and he is raising 3 of them as their BM is a POS. I have 3 grandkids and my sister has none yet.

This is the first year that we are only buying for the under 18 kids and then drawing names....only the adults that make an effort to come to the family get togethers, which is for birthdays.

I disengaged a long time ago,

I disengaged a long time ago, which made the narcissistic adult SS angry so neither he nor his family come round anymore. DH goes to see them.

Regardless, it is sad to know that you have to feel anxiety at each holiday (I remember too well) so disengaging may help immensely. It is a mental thing, not an "ignore" thing. It does not require being mean and, if done correctly, is defensible. No one can accuse you of doing anything wrong.

It is about understanding your own reaction to other people's actions and also knowing what you will tolerate. It has helped me way beyond step life by teaching me what my boundaries are, what they should be and how to enforce them. No matter how you go about it, it still all starts in the brain and getting a mindset that will allow you to find comfort in an uncomfortable situation.

It pisses my SS off because it took me out of his game...I won't play and my disengagement shows him that. My DH used to get angry with me over everything SS related and now he has nothing of which to accuse me. I have done nothing wrong.

It does take practice but don't beat yourself up with a misstep, just move on and try again.

You know I have heard of

You know I have heard of blended families doing "Thanksmas." Combining Thanksgiving and Christmas early. Why not get all the holiday manic moments over early and enjoy a fire, falling snow, the glimer of the lights, no wrapping presents until midnight Christmas Eve, shopping til you drop and spending more $$ than you have. Celebrate early, celebrate the life of Christ (or however you choose)! Gift cards all around and open the Moscato!!

And girl crush goes to

And girl crush goes to StepMat today I LOVE this idea!

My inlaws are actually not

My inlaws are actually not having a thanksgiving and instead having a "fall festival" for the family instead this weekend. Nevermind that as soon as I found out the date I told my MIL that there was a chance that my DH wouldn't be home for the party.. this was over a month ago I told her when plans had barely been made.

She sticks to this date and states "No...my son said he would be home that day". I said.. no.. that is probably the weekend he was planning on "coming home".. but he is driving from Louisiana to VA... it will take more than one day for the drive. So, the last day of work is Thursday/Friday.. but he may not be home by SATURDAY.

Every time I mention that he may not make it she pearl clutches and says... "HE said he would be home". He clearly has told me he did not tell his mother that and that he said that was the weekend he was coming home..not that he would be home and not that she should immediately put her party on the first possible day he would arrive!

It kind of irritates me because I haven't seen him in like a month and now the first weekend he "may" be here... we have to run to this party of hers.

This is a party she does every year and then every time states she will "never do it again.. too much work" Every year she invites MORE people (this year she wanted my family there too.. dad and brother's family.. and my bro is attending... should be fun).

I ask every year if I can do anything.. but this year am glad she didn't ask for much since I will be stressed about whether my DH will even make it.

I think a fall/winter "family festival" without presents.. just good food and drink on an afternoon... casual..would be the best solution. Let every nuclear family then stay home for the crazy days.